Proverbial Shoes...

I am well aware that the stress diet is not the diet of choice. Quite frankly, it is not my diet of choice. I mean seriously, who CHOOSES to have their stomach tied up in knots filled with so much acid that it liquefies anything it come into contact with? Who WANTS to have their chest so tight that it hurts just to breather, let alone cram another cracker into their mouth? Who desires to stay up because they are ill and sleep evades until they are to tired to cook anything to eat safely anyway? Certainly not me.

Last summer, I was on the other end of this. I was the one knocking over pedestals and spinning my wheels round and round. I felt horrible. I was in anguish over what I had done, for all the ripples I had caused. (And if I am being totally honest here, they were tidal waves, not ripples... But anyway...) I lost a ton of weight in a week that could not be explained. I looked as terrible as I felt, which was pretty gruesome, let me tell you. It took months to put it back on so that I could loose it in a healthy manner and not have that haunted, sunken in appearance. I ate ice cream by the gallons and still I lost. It was a stressful time.

I have often felt bad for what happened. For the choices that I made, and how they so deeply effected others. But know I know, I really know, what it was that I really did. On a much deeper level than I really desired too. You know that saying, "You must first walk a mile in someone else's moccasins to understand their plight"? Well baby, I am walking now. And there are holes in the soles already. This hurts. It looked like it hurt before. I felt badly. But now, I really understand. I could not close my eyes to things if I tried.

There is a part of me that wishes that things could be undone. That I could have the perfection and innocence returned to me. At least for a little longer. It was glorious. It was my every wish and fantasy all wrapped up in the most incredible reality... And it was divine. Of course I knew that I was seeing things in an untested state, that time would win out and that the human nature factor would come into play. But that sunrise phase of things, when everything is coming into light and bringing all the rosy color with it...Ohhh that was incredible. It is a euphoria that I am sure no drug can match... But when the sun gets to that point on the horizon that the first real rays hit your eyes with light, it is blinding and a bit of a shock... And that is where I am. My view of the world is nice, but i am still reeling from that sunbeam penetrating into my overly dilated eyes...

I can sum it up in one word: Ouch!

More than ever I wish there was some way that I could apologise for causing the hurt that I did last summer. I would not take back my actions, I grew too much as a person to do that. I became so much stronger and aware because of everything that happened. But I regret causing another person such twisting anguish. I am wearing those ratty moccasins, I am treading upon my own trail of tears. I understand.

I only hope that the person who is now walking in the shoes that I wore last summer learns as much from them as I did. If that sort of growth, acceptance and potential for inner-peace comes from this, then it was worth it. If growth come from pain, then there is a lot of room for growth here.

I hope that I have the wherewithal to keep these moccasins together on my feet until the end. The person who wore them last was not able to do that. Sometimes waiting at the top of the hill is as difficult as walking up it. Sometimes you just can't wait. Sometimes you just have to end the pain. But think of what a rewarding sunset you can share with the person you are waiting for when they finally make the trek up the hill? Who knows, perhaps you might make the trek up the next hill together, passing the water bottle back and forth as you stumble upon the jagged rocks... Who knows... But it is worth it... I have to believe it is worth it...

The irony of this whole thing is that it was the compassion and support of the one who is now walking in my shoes that got me to conquer this mountain in the first place.

So I wait...