I really just want the HUG...

Yesterday I was invited to go to Hawaii for a week... I said no.

(This was the right thing to do. And I did not want to go with the person that extended the invitation... But... It stirred a lot of things up...)

And many tears later I am sitting here in the aftermath rather tired. And I need some serious hugging time...

(But really, what is it with bad dreams of things in the ground getting stuck in my feet? Awful things... The first time it was paint balls that kept getting stuck in the soles of my feet and no matter how much I worked to get them out, as soon as I took another step, my feet were filled with them again. Ewww... Last night it was moths and butterflies that were laying eggs in the ground and there was no place to step without getting them stuck in the skin. Ewww... And when they hatched, they swarmed... Honestly, Ewww... I am still unsettled by the whole thing... And while it may not sound like a terrible nightmare to anyone else, it has me all in knots and I still feel sick. I would try to sleep now, but I am rather afraid to... Seriously though, WHAT is this all about? Any suggestions? I would be most grateful...)

I am not too sure where things will go from here... And for now I think I am okay with that... I just really want to let it all go and not care about it anymore. (When it effects not just sleep, but sex and food cravings, it is time to let it go... Yeah, I still am craving penne pasta covered in a creamy vodka sauce topped with fresh Parmesan cheese, and a nice glass of red wine... Followed by an hour long hug... Wait, no sex you say? I know... See... Bad huh? Don't get me wrong, that would be nice... But I really just want the hug...)

I Must Rememeber...

I must remember:

I must remember to pull back...
Not to get too close...
Or to move too quickly...

I must remember to keep things just under the surface...
So that they may be more easily lifted away when the time comes...
To let love go before it takes a deeper hold on my heart...

I must remember to move forward...
That I am not for the ordinary or everyday things in life...
And desire matters not beyond that of want and wishing...

I must remember that words are free...
Easily spoken and shared...
Harder to back up, especially over time...

I must remember that not all are as certain as I...
And that doubting is natural...
But I do not have to wait for anything save myself...

I must remember that my heart is not a prize...
Or something to be given away easily to the next pretty soul...
It is something that should be sought and treasured and earned, every day...

I must remember not to see things as I want to...
Only as how they are in the moment of now...
That time reveals everything, even the secrets that are kept hidden for too long...

I must remember that it is not just I who is dancing to tunes...
Or smiling at the sun...
Tilting at windmills is something everyone does when they feel bold enough...

I must remember that things can be lost before they are ever really found...
That nothing is certain...
And hope may spring eternal if it fed from the wells of love...

I must remember not to leap to high...
Or fall to far...
And that not every splat will end up in a bounce at the end of it all...

I must remember...
Not to forget, or dream to deeply...
Reality is a grand enough thing on its own to behold...

I must remember...

Splash... It's Wednesday...

Okay...

So it is Wednesday...

And the world is spinning... And I wish that my head was not keeping time to it... But it will pass... It always does. And for that I am glad...

But...

If I complain too much about needing to get into shape... Or being too fat... Just remind me that I can still fall into the commode when the lids have been lifted... disgusting, I know... But... There is this thing called a shower...

I guess it must have been funny really...

Clambering in the darkness... Sitting on the closed lids... Realizing that they were both down... (I was tired... Too tired to recall that they are always both left down... Too tired to think... Anything, really...) But hey, I figured it out... I lifted the lid... (Well both lids actually... But like I said... I was tired... and my head hurt... And the world had been spinning double time within the spacial confines of my brain...)

So I lifted both lids and thought I was going to gracefully perch on the edge... And lo and behold, I dropped in... Very ungracefully... Let us just say that my tush is tiny enough to make a splash... An icky... Yucky... Disgusting splash... And the water was cold... Cold enough I was able to focus long enough to fall into the shower...

Well...

I needed to take a shower and bathe that tiny tushie of mine anyway...

Road Trip Wrap Up...

Road Trip Wrap Up…

And so here I sit… In the desk in front of a window in the room of the hotel… Catching up on my Blogs… Both in reading them and writing them… And I am relaxing… I am happy. And I think I am going to sleep away the rest of the day…

Yesterday, the Boyfriend secured an apartment to live in near to his new job… We went to the beach with some more of his wonderful friends… And we scrubbed what was left of the road off our bodies…

They say that if you can survive a long road trip with someone, everything else is a piece of cake. The Boyfriend said that he thought that this might be a make or break sort of a trip… I did too for the reasons that I was meeting so many of his friends and family, not the trip itself… But as it turns out… It was just a road trip. He visited people that he has not seen in ages, I met fabulous new people, and we both got to spend a lot of time together… In very close quarters… We had some great adventures… saw some cool things… And as the Boyfriend says, we managed to not smell like gerbils… So it all turned out okay… And in the end... There is the hair dryer… (It is good to keep things in perspective… If worrying about a hair dryer is as crazy as it gets… Then life really is good… Don’t you agree?)

Road Trip: Day Eight, or Maybe Nine...

Day Eight, or Maybe Nine:

We woke up early, but still being on east coast time, it felt late… That was nice. Really nice. We had granola bars for breakfast… Roadside food holds little appeal after more than a week on the road… And we were on our way… To California… Northern California actually… Twelve hours of driving to tackle… The boyfriend did most of the driving, but I did do a stint in the middle… And the time flew… Pizza in Gilroy for dinner… (Because how can you drive through all of that garlic smell and not crave a pizza?) And then back on the road…

Finally, late at night, we arrived at our destination, checked into the hotel… (A real hotel… With a pretty silk comforter, modern glass sink, and a HAIR DRYER…) and crashed. It was wonderful! We arrived.

There is internet…
Breakfast…
Gym Equipment to be a hamster on if I feel like it…
And yes, even a hair dryer…
Life is wonderful.

On the Road: Day Seven or is it Eight...

Day Seven or is it Eight:

We drove and stopped for gas, and made time for food as needed until it has all become one big fuzzy faded memory in my head… And then we stopped in the late afternoon in Holbrook.

Now Holbrook I remember. I remember it well actually… I remember it well for several reasons…

The first of which is that there was someplace that I really wanted to stay at there… A silly touristy place that I heard about long ago and then read about over and over in the tour books that II brought for the trip. When asked what it was that I wanted to see on the trip there were a few things that really sparked me. The Crayola Factory, (out of the way) Williamsburg, (again, not on the route we took) Cadillac Ranch, (we rocked the ranch) and Holbrook (for all of the terrific Route 66 stuff… The only other place that we drove through with as much left from the Route 66 Era was Tucumcari…) The Boyfriend was beyond awesome for making the stop and stay in Holbrook… And I pranced about the town for the rest of the day with a silly grin on my face… (Have I mentioned how great the Boyfriend is? Better than great… He is awesome!)

The second reason I remember Holbrook so well is due to all the stir that I seemed to have caused just by walking down the street… Now this is not me bragging… Or trying to say that I am not used to being… appreciated… for my looks… But this was over the top. Seriously. If I ever feel bad about myself in the future, I am going to spend a day in Holbrook. It got to the point of ridiculous for the cranked heads and honks and whistles… And I was in a tee shirt and green gym pants… Nothing special. No makeup… Just me… And I now know what it feels like to be famous… Flattering, but odd… It was as if I had USDA grade A stamped across my backside and the giant Playboy Bunny emblem floating above my head. Let us just say it was an experience… And that I am actually understating the reaction that I garnered from everyone… And that the Boyfriend can testify to this… (And more I am sure… Just ask him…)

On the Road: Day Six...

Day Six:

Brought heartfelt goodbyes to all, including the cats… And then we were off and driving once again…

Did I mention that Texas is a big state? A huge, seemingly endless state? That goes on for miles and miles, the road just slipping away beneath the vehicle as it goes on and on? It is. It took forever to get out of Texas… (Not that Texas is bad, it’s just that we had deadlines looming closer and closer… We needed to make some serious time…)

We did make one fantastic stop. At the Cadillac Ranch. (It’s off I-40, aka Route 66, just west of Amarillo…) If you have never been there, it is well worth the stop. We stopped and took countless photos and then I scored the duck! (For those that are wondering what scoring the duck is… It is from a Dharma and Greg episode. Google it or ask me about it and I’ll fill you in better… But needless to say, I SCORED THE DUCK!!! And it was the Boyfriend’s idea. I love the Boyfriend… I really do… He is awesome! More so, because I scored the duck! Now of course, it will be hard to have the duck taken away, and harder still to score it again… But it was awesome… And timing is everything… (One more time for the road… I SCORED THE DUCK! Right in the middle of the Cadillac Ranch… Yup… It was a great day…)

We finally entered into New Mexico and this is where my brain is getting mushy with the road… It is blending things all together… Audio books blending with tour books, road melding with sky… I can’t recall if we stayed in Albuquerque or drove past. I can’t make my mind separate anything again until Holbrook, Arizona…

Sorry…

Sometimes it just happens…

Road Trip: Day Five...

Day Five:

Day Five was heaven… We slept in… And then when I thought that it would not get any better… A hot shower with a HAIR DRYER… (Now I am easy to please… And when I am traveling light, as I have been for this trip… A hair dryer goes an exceptionally long way to please me greatly… And my newfound friend had one… And let me make good use of it… I adore my new friend…)

I whipped up a quick frittata and cleaned up the kitchen from the night before. Turns out that Cowboy Burgers, hot links, veggies and eggs make a fabulous frittata… We ate and were happy… The kitchen gleamed and the cats decided to be cuter than I thought cats could be… (I happen to be rather afraid of cats, due to an unfortunate recurring childhood experience involving some neighborhood bullies and cats caught up in sacks… But these cats were sweet… And one in particular, managed to steal a tiny bit of my heart with his quirky personality and conversational meows… Even after he pounced on my toe from several feet away…)

After breakfast we drove into the city for a look-see… We dawdled here and there… Until lunch… Then dawdled some more… It was relaxing and easy going and the company was wonderful. My cheeks finally just stopped hurting from all the smiling I was doing… We saw where Kennedy was shot, and I took the most morbid photo ever… My feet at the X… I still feel a tad creepy about it… But… (Well… I’ll post it up in the album with all the other places that my feet have been…) And I picked up a great book on Jackie… (She is rapidly replacing my Barbie fascination… What a remarkable person… To be able to make so much out of a life and to keep moving forward and ever onward… Inspirational…)

We dawdled some more… And ended up in this cool little bar called Lee Harvey’s. There is a cat named bacon (Who has a fan club on MySpace…) and a hammock outside that we made good use of… The Boyfriend even played a silly bar game that involved a ring on a rope and a hook on a fence… There was a cool breeze, cold beer, ice cream and conversation… It was a great place…

More dawdling… (I drove the turbo charged bug to dinner… Now that was fun… I forgot how fun a little car could be… And that one has balls… Who knew?) We had TexMex for dinner… Another first for me… (I would do TexMex again… Nice and spicy, with a lingering hint of chili powder… Almost smoky in flavor… The Crawdads… Not so much… They were good… But a ton of work… I much prefer shrimp… And sucking the heads… Not really my sort of thing…)

A somewhat early end to the night as we all had to be up and going the following morning…

Road Trip: Day Four...

Day Four:

Up again early, but we did manage to sleep in an hour or two more than we had been… Now that was heaven. The guys went to get an oil change on the vehicle before swinging back to pick me up to see an Air Force Museum. Tons of planes later we all met up for lunch and a quick stop at a Mardi Gras Museum. Tons of photos later… (I have not yet been to New Orleans or Mardi Gras… So I do mean tons…) and we were on the road once again. This time heading to Texas…

Now Texas is a big state. And by big, I mean huge… It took us three hours to get to just outside Dallas, and it seemed longer as the cars and trucks raced past. California plates in another state means not speeding, not matter how fast the other drivers are going… Now this big state is very proud of their Lone star… It was plastered everywhere. On the freeways and street signs… On the flags that were hung everywhere… on the sides of buildings like a form of graffiti… It was cool. This giant state turned out to be far more liberal than I expected and far more into the arts and expression of roadside art and kitsch than I had ever heard of… Like a piece of San Francisco had somehow managed to stick to all the oil barons and cowboys and ordinary people of the plains… It was even better than San Francisco in some ways… Probably because it was so unexpected… Probably too that it was just starting up… Just taking hold… just becoming cool and accepted as a fringe movement, rather than being so solidly established that it all just melted together. The vibrations in Deep Ellum were… Well… They were downright exciting… You could FEEL the changes blowing in the wind…

So this was where we stayed for the night. With friends of the Boyfriend… They were awesome (Of course… I have come to expect this from the Boyfriend. He has great taste in friends… What can I say, after all, I was one of them too at one point not too long ago…) We had an adventure at the grocery store… And brought home a bag of Crawdads to try… (I was waffling all day about trying them before we went to far west and I missed out on the opportunity… But to eat something that I have to take apart, let alone suck at the head… Ewww… But I believe that part of life is trying as much as possible… So… We came home with Crawfish and Cowboy Burgers…) This dinner party of three became four, then five, and then six… Until it became an impromptu reunion/meeting of Pleasure Gardeners… And all I can say of that experience was that there was much food, drink, fun and laughter to be found… A really, REALLY, good time was had by all… And sometime in the late on the night, I crashed. Sitting upright at the kitchen counter. The boyfriend had to dance me off to bed… (Or so I am told… Of course he could have just carried me… But I gather it was more fun to dance across the artistically treated floor…) So… Like I said… A good time was had by all… Perhaps me most of all…

On the Road: Day Three...

Day Three:

Day three brought us to the west end of Louisiana. We stayed with some family of the Boyfriend’s. This was my first exposure to anyone in his family. They are just as wonderful and welcoming as he is. Full of energy, we were on the go the moment we stopped. (Funny thought huh?) But it was delightful. A wonderful home cooked dinner with tons of laughter and family jokes. It was great. We laughed some more at a silly movie on T.V. before crashing for the night…

On the Road: Day Two...

Day Two:

Day two started out as early as Day One. I just had to see the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean… It was on my list and this might have been the last chance (for a long while at least) to see this… The Boyfriend was a great sport about the whole thing… I prodded him awake and climbed into fresh clothes. Good thing that I remembered to put on a sweatshirt as it was cold… And windy… And the sun was rising… So we hurried to the beach… Just in time…

It was spectacular! It was more than what I had thought it would be. It was beyond list worthy… It was certainly better than the sunsets over the Pacific Ocean… And I am sooo glad that we did it. The photos turned out great… And they accurately show how tired we both are… But the colors of the sky and glow of the sun as it rose higher and higher… Awesome! The Boyfriend walked in the water so that he could say that he went from one ocean to the other. I stuck a finger in, as I did not wish to get wet, or become any colder than I already was… But I did touch the water… Just in case… (You never know when, or if, you will return to a place… You know? So I did… Just in case…)

And then the drive was on again…

I drove for a part of it… Much better than trying to go through New York (The Bronx, but it was more than enough of New York driving for me…) The drive was long…

We stopped for breakfast in Virginia. I tried grits for the first time. The waiter was wonderful. Soft accent and very helpful as to how he ate his grits. Butter and touch of salt, which as good. I tried them with strawberries, not bad, fried apples, quite good, with a bit of bacon, just okay, and gravy, not recommended… Then it was back on the road.

A note for those from Tennessee… I am sorry if I offend anyone here. But…

Tennessee drivers are the worst! (Not like L.A. or New York… Not that kind of rude and aggressive driving here… No… This was different and worse…) Now I realize that we were in a vehicle with California plates, and that no one seems to like Californians much. Especially when we are on the road. But… I noticed that this particular driving trait was done by just about everyone on the road, to just about everyone else on the road… And even to the truckers… And when I tell you what this trait is, you too will be a tad surprised at the danger of the habit…

So it seems that the drivers of Tennessee have this wonderful (Note the sarcasm here…) trait of driving in a lane next to another vehicle and then darting in front of the other vehicle with mere inches to spare. They do not speed up once they have acquired this new position in front of the other vehicle, they do not allow for more room. It is rather as if they are daring the vehicle that they have just cut off to rear-end them. They do this not just to pass, they seem to do this just for fun, or perhaps to pass the time. They also do this regularly when there is no one in front of them. So it is not as if they are impatient. They are just dangerously rude. It reminded me of that little pocket game that has 8 tiles that are supposed to be slipped about a space made for 9 tiles to form a picture. Zip, slip, zip, slip, move car here, zip car there… It was awful! If you are nuts enough to drive in Tennessee, consider yourself warned… They even do this to the huge truckers… Slipping in front of the cab with scant inches between bumpers and then the poor truck has to whatever he can to insure that he does not hit the vehicle that is suddenly in front of him for no apparent reason… All I can say is that while I do not suffer from road rage, it was more than enough for me to stick out my tongue to those nasty drivers… (Which is what the Boyfriend discovered when he woke up in the middle of my maneuvering through the mess of the Tennessee highway… Tongue sticking out from time to time and the occasional Grrr escaping my lips…)

We stopped in Chattanooga (At least I think it was Chattanooga) for the night. We had a small sampling of roadside motels to choose from. I vetoed one for “bad vibes” and agreed to one that seemed as good as the others… We were a little surprised by the room… (Actually we were a lot surprised by the room, but were too exhausted to do anything about it other than pray that the blood stains were not fresh, that the cigarette burns would not spark to life, that the hot water would hold out, and that we would not catch some horrible disease while sleeping…) The vehicle was fine, no one tampered with it. The motel was quiet. We must have been the nosiest folks in the place. And the even bigger surprise came the next morning when we realized that we had both slept like the dead. (Better to sleep like the dead than to be among the dead…) While I would not choose to revisit this… motel… again, it was far better than the… motel… that I stayed at in Gila Bend last year. (Now that was a scary place. Bullet hole in the bathroom wall from the outside that looked right into the bathroom and straight onto the bed… I refer to that place as the Bates Motel… And if you had met the creepy guy at the front desk, if he had leered at you before selecting that particular key to that particular room, you would call it that too… Needless to say, I slept with one eye open and the door to the bathroom shut.)

Eye Spy: on the Road...

Oh… And at some point at the start of Day One I thought that it would be entertaining to count the McDonalds and Wal-Marts that we passed as we zipped by them…

So…

Massachusetts:
McDonalds: 2
Wal-Marts: 0

Connecticut:
McDonalds: 10
Wal-Marts: 3

New York:
McDonalds: 1
Wal-Marts: 0

New Jersey:
McDonalds: 4
Wal-Marts: 0

Maryland:
McDonalds: 4
Wal-Marts: 0

Delaware:
McDonalds: 6
Wal-Marts: 2

Virginia:
McDonalds: 12
Wal-Marts: 2

Tennessee:
McDonalds: 10
Wal-Marts: 2

Georgia:
McDonalds: 2
Wal-Marts: 0

Alabama:
McDonalds: 10
Wal-Marts: 2

Mississippi:
McDonalds: 0
Wal-Marts: 0

Louisiana:
McDonalds: 18
Wal-Marts: 1

Texas:
McDonalds: 27
Wal-Marts: 9

New Mexico:
McDonalds: 7
Wal-Marts: 0

Arizona:
McDonalds: 8
Wal-Marts: 2

California:
McDonalds: 14
Wal-Marts: 3

Number of McDonalds that we ate at: 0
Number of Wal-Marts that we stopped at: 0
But it did give us something to look for beyond stick farms and license plates… And the Boyfriend is right… Next time I’ll count Starbucks… Now those numbers should be astronomical…

Road Trip: Day One...

Day One:

We were up and out by 6am… Which translates to up at the dark of morning… And since the dark of morning started with a badly stubbed toe for the boyfriend, he did the morning drive… Now I try to navigate, and I can read a map well enough, but the roads in Boston were built long before there were cars or the need for a direct route to anywhere… It was a confusing start… Five or six turns to just get onto the highway, and that was after we had gone onto the toll road that was supposed to be the direct route… (I have learned that in Boston, nothing is a direct route, even when it seems to be so…)

Once we were on the highway, we made good time… We drove through Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, and Delaware. I took the wheel for a short time in Connecticut and New York, but the moment we got to the Bronx, I was seriously overwhelmed… As in white knuckles on the steering wheel, hands clamped on in a death grip… (That led to a quick changing of drivers and an interesting conversation of how the term death grip came about… Oh the things that a person can learn when trapped in a vehicle surrounded by countless maniacs doing unspeakable things on the road…)

I was really starting to have what gave every indication of a solid (and possibly permanent) dislike for anything and everyone on the east coast, when (luckily) we stopped to fuel up in New Jersey. The attendants were delightful. Chatty and all smiles (the first I had seen in a week) and filled with good cheer at the early hour. There were the phrases, “Thank You” and “Have a Nice Day”, that I had forgotten how great it was to hear. It completely turned things around… It was as if the sun shone brighter and warmer and the sky was bluer than before… It was that sort of a relief… (And I am sure that there are plenty of wonderful people in New England and the East Coast, it just was not my experience to come across them in my outings and adventures…)

We stopped in Atlantic City, someplace that I have always wanted to see… It was not at all what I envisioned. It was a lot like the Vegas of old, all sorts of lights and neon, dirty and smelly in places and tons of people… We were there for about thirty minutes, which was long enough to satisfy my curiosity, and then we went on to Margate, to see Lucy the Wooden Elephant. (Now that was cool! If you have not seen her, you really ought to… Talk about a neat piece of the past… Built in 1881, and right on the beach… It was great.) From there we made another quick stop, this one in Ocean City, before we continued on into Delaware.

We took the ferry across… 90 minutes of total bliss… The sunshine was perfectly warm and the breeze was soft… It was so relaxing sitting on the top deck watching the water slip past, that the boyfriend fell asleep with his head in my lap… It was wonderful. So much so, that it will be hard to beat as the best part of the trip… There was a group of 37 motorcycles to entertain us too… All different colors and styles of paint, some single riders, some double, all energetic and having a blast revving their engines and racing back and forth before boarding the ferry and lining all up along the prow of the boat… It was a sight to see… Even more so, when they all hopped on, dressed in their coordinating leathers and helmets (one was even done up like the Predator) and Varoooooomed off the ferry and into the wild blue yonder…

We met up with a friend of the Boyfriend’s and had a delightful dinner before crashing out for the night… Which was long overdue as I was (hopefully valiantly) trying o appear to be awake… Which may not have really been the appearance after all the effort, as I forgot my purse hanging on the back my seat at the restaurant. The Boyfriend was my hero when he went back to rescue it for me. (Loosing it would have been beyond terrible… All my ID, cell phone and camera were inside… Yes, I was very lucky…) On the way towards the longed for bed and few hours of sleep, we stopped at the Rehoboth boardwalk… It was everything that I had imagined Atlantic City to be… We took in the locals, who were all beautiful and cool beyond words, as well as all the different food and fun things along the boardwalk… This certainly seemed to be the “IT” place to see or be seen… I picked up some saltwater taffy for my Step-Dad (He swears that it is the best out there due to the water…) and then we were off to bed for a small handful of hours of sleep before I had to shake the Boyfriend awake and drag myself into fresh clothes for the start of Day Two…

Apologizing Now...

I am going to apologize now... (For the deluge of Blogs that I am going to post up over the next couple of days...)

I am (Finally) with Internet and will be making good use of it... (And with all those pesky back-Blogs just waiting to be posted up... This is the perfect opportunity to do just that...)

So I am just giving an FYI...

Road trip stories to follow soon... (And then I hope things will return to normal, whatever that is...) Oh... And photos too... (Apologies for all the photos that I am sure to post up as well...)

Boston's Children's Museum...

I wanted to dash this out to you before we left for the road trip in the dark of the morning... I have no idea where my next internet connection and web "fix" will be coming from or when...

I have been in Boston this past week... Taking things easy and hiding out from the locals and the rain. I usually love the rain, but I had enough of it this past spring and really did not want to try to figure out how to dry out my shoes... (I only have two pairs with me, so you know how that would go... And wet feet that cannot get dry are no fun...) It was actually nice though... I enjoyed the hibernation... Even more yesterday when I finally figured out that I could turn on the little radiator and huddle next to it on the floor... I was seriously happy... I was warm, it was quiet, there was much smiling and being a silly goof ball alone with the music on my laptop and the internet to keep me company...

Today there was sunshine... So I went on an adventure in the city, as I have been staying in Cambridge... I took the T and guessed at a good place to depart the train... I stumbled out into the daylight and right into a block party... Complete with a little stage and guys singing and freebie give-aways and food and vendors and tons of people milling about... Then onto the harbor to see the boats and the Children's Museum... Which was really cool. I would say it has to be the best one I have ever seen... I do admit that I must have looked strange in a Children's Museum without a child, but it is not as if I could rent one for the afternoon in a strange city... And something tells me that Boston is just not that sort of place... They had a real Japanese House from Kyoto... That was by far my favorite part of the day. I must have talked to the docent for 45 minutes about all the different things that they had inside... I loved it all... And it made me rally glad that I was not any taller than I was, if I were even just and inch or two more, I would have hit my head on the door frames... I think I could easily say that I would be happy living in a home like that... It would be interesting for sure, but it was somehow reassuring too...

I had an interesting experience on the train ride back... Or I should say, rather, waiting for the train... It is a delicate thing to discuss... Let us just say that I think this poor guy was afraid that a part of his anatomy might fall off... He was holding himself for dear life... At least that was all he was doing... Needless to say, I did not sit in the same car on the way back...

And that would be the excitement that I have had...

Tomorrow we get in the car and drive to Delaware... I think we might get to go to Atlantic City... For that I am very excited... I will have to let you know... All I know for certain is that it will be an adventure...

Made it!

WE made it!
Driving from one ocean to the other...
Seeing much of the country...
Meeting wonderful and interesting people along the way...
WE made it!

I have had a blast...
(And really missed the internet...)
I have lots to share...
(And even more to catch up on...)

But...
After a week in Boston, and a week on the road...
WE made it!
(I had forgotten just how beautiful Northern California was...)

More to follow as soon as I have managed to wash the rest of the road from my hair, the lingering dust from my skin, and caught up on my down time... (Which won't be for long, as I am technically still on the go and won't be stopping until mid-July...)

But for now...

WE MADE IT!!!!

Good-bye Boston... Hello ROAD TRIP...

I wanted to dash this out before we left for the road trip in the dark of the morning... I have no idea where my next internet connection and web "fix" will be coming from or when...

I have been in Boston this past week... Taking things easy and hiding out from the locals and the rain. I usually love the rain, but I had enough of it this past spring and really did not want to try to figure out how to dry out my shoes... (I only have two pairs with me, so you know how that would go... And wet feet that cannot get dry are no fun...) It was actually nice though... I enjoyed the hibernation... Even more so yesterday, when I finally figured out that I could turn on the little radiator and huddle next to it on the floor... I was seriously happy... I was warm, it was quiet, there was much smiling and being a silly goof ball alone with the music on my laptop and the internet to keep me company... (And you should have seen the look on the Boyfriend's face when he came home to find me thus... It is a very good thing that he knows me or he just may start to wonder at things like that...)

We had dinner at a great B-B-Q place called Red Bones in Cambridge... (Or maybe it is Sommerville, I can't tell where one ends and the other begins... But neither can the locals...) Anyway... Dinner was wonderful. And I do not say that lightly as I really do not like B-B-Q. As in, not at all... But the grilled salmon was great and the potatoes were perfection... The soda was served in an over-sized mason jar... So you get the idea as to the formality of the place... It wasn't. It was fun and vibrant and filled from top to bottom in crazy decor that would be fabulous under black lights... Just sitting there made you want to reach over to the people at the next table and party it up... (And since I was not really looking forward to going there, recall that I detest B-B-Q... It is only fair to add; C.C. was right. The food was excellent. It was fun. I would be happy to go again. I will even try another B-B-Q place on the road trip... Ohhh... Did I just add that last part? Yeah... Okay... I will, it was good...)

Today there was sunshine... So I went on an adventure in the city, as I have been staying in Cambridge... I took the T and guessed at a good place to depart the train... I stumbled out into the daylight and right into a block party... Complete with a little stage and guys singing and freebie give-aways and food and vendors and tons of people milling about... Then onto the harbor to see the boats and the Children's Museum... Which was really cool. I would say it has to be the best one I have ever seen... I do admit that I must have looked strange in a Children's Museum without a child, but it is not as if I could rent one for the afternoon in a strange city... And something tells me that Boston is just not that sort of place... They had a real Japanese House from Kyoto... That was by far my favorite part of the day. I must have talked to the docent for 45 minutes about all the different things that they had inside... I loved it all... And it made me rally glad that I was not any taller than I was, if I were even just and inch or two more, I would have hit my head on the door frames... I think I could easily say that I would be happy living in a home like that... It would be interesting for sure, but it was somehow reassuring too...

I had an interesting experience on the train ride back... Or I should say, rather, waiting for the train... It is a delicate thing to discuss... Let us just say that I think this poor guy was afraid that a part of his anatomy might fall off... He was holding himself for dear life... At least that was all he was doing... Needless to say, I did not sit in the same car on the way back...

And that would be the excitement that I have had... (For now... I know, rather dull...)

Tomorrow we get in the car and drive to Delaware... I think we might get to go to Atlantic City... For that I am very excited... I will have to let you know... All I know for certain is that it will be an adventure...

It is incredible...

... what a difference being held tightly all night long can make...

Church of Perpetual Upkeep...

I heard a phrase the other day that made me smile...

How many does it take to find inner-peace when we worships at the church of perpetual upkeep?

It was on a show... (I know, TV... I think I am over the reality TV for a bit... There are two, yes two, new shows that I think I am going to give a spin for the summer... One more than I usually juggle, but I like them both and am finding it difficult to choose between them... And if you are wondering, the quote is from The Starter Wife. The other show is Army Wives. They are both on Lifetime, so you know that they are total chick draws and female empowerment. But they are actually really, really good. And while I am on the topic, Starter Wife is from the Sex and the City people, Army Wives are from the Grey's Anatomy folks, so you might want to give them a try...)

But, what I was talking about was the phrase Church of Perpetual Upkeep... It seems like we all are members of that congregation in one form or another... And admittedly, I am probably on the ladies auxiliary as well as singing in the choir... And while it sounds entertaining, the phrase Church of Perpetual Upkeep... While you will probably hear me repeat this phrase from time to time, it makes me wonder... Is this really a good thing?

That's all...

At least for now... Just wanted to stir the makeup pot a bit...

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in May 2007...

Okay... So I was a bit late on this one... (again...) But I have been going a mile a minute...

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in May 2007:


01.) riding on the train
02.) visits with Mom
03.) 100 Clicks
04.) surprising your best friend
05.) "not" having any chemistry
06.) riding on a BMX course after hours
07.) walking the Freedom Trail
08.) 1,000 calories on the elliptical in one visit
09.) making good sushi at home
10.) playing scrabble and up words
11.) cirque du soleil
12.) finding the perfect faux fur
13.) getting tickets for the ball in the mail
14.) am I there yet?
15.) long walks in the afternoon
16.) taking care of all the loose ends
17.) coming through for friends in need
18.) having friends that "just know" you need an ear
19.) company at the airport
20.) being able to separate the friend from the girlfriend

How it happened that there was (once again) no jumping to be had...

I am back in Boston again...

I took the red eye on Sunday. (Along with about 50 5th graders... Luckily, they slept for the trip...) When I got to the airport, no one was there to meet me.

It was the crack of dawn, and the Boyfriend had slept through his alarm... Not that he had any reason to be tired... He has only been moving along at the speed of light trying to get everything taken care of before the relocation road trip that starts this weekend... So with packing and getting all the details of his new job taken care of, and holding the hands of the staff at the job he is leaving, and taking care of the travel details and trying to find a place to live in the City, and everything else, he slept through his alarm...

Needless to say, he felt terrible... Still does... (Now this is total teasing fuel to add to the fire of why I have not yet jumped him at the airport... The first time he walked right past me... Got to love that... And this time beats that time by a mile!) Of course the second opportunity I had, he came dancing up to the song "(This will be an)Everlasting Love"... Now THAT was priceless... His huge grin and bouncing step as he danced, yes- literally danced, his way up the baggage claim to me to envelop me in one of his incredible hugs that last for days, but never last long enough...


So it seems that we are destined to have funny tales that happen when we are not just apart, but together as well... I just might have found the "Ricky" to my "Lucy" after all... I really should have known better... I mean, for all the times that Ricky got into his own capers, I should have known that it was not just Lucy who could keep life filled with laughter... (And for all that I would have loved for him to have met me at the airport, I love more that he keeps me laughing... But since the Boyfriend is likely going to be reading this, it is best to add that I really do want to jump him in the airport at some point... Just like all those sappy black and white posters... Though with our luck, I really will knock him over if I try it, I can see it now... Laid out flat in front of the TSA guys and trying to explain that it was a friendly attack... Yeah...)

On another note, it was really liberating to take the subway on my own. And a very good thing that I packed as lightly as I did... I was sent on a small adventure trying to find the right line... I even had a nice angel take a couple of minutes to escort me to the necessary line and lift my spirits up when I was starting to feel rather lost and confused... But one bus, and three subway trains later, I was at the right station and rewarded with that big grin and those incredible arms that I love so much...

He met me at the ending point so that he could at least walk me home... And THAT was a wonderful thing indeed...

Maybe little pinch...

A friend of mine has got me started on this... So if you happen across me in the near future... Consider yourself warned...

Prepare to laugh... Maybe little laugh...

I pinch...

What I am reading now... Blogs of interest...

I have this horrible habit that I have developed... I surf for Blogs... (Thanks to Blogger's Choice Awards for getting me curious as to what else was out there in the Blogosphere...) And then I wondered what Blogs those that I know read... (Aside form the Blogs of those that you know, or have connected to in some real way in a virtual world...) So I thought that I would post up my list of current favorites... Those that keep me entertained in time that I might have turned to a magazine in the past... Blogs to spark my imagination, to make me laugh, to take a peek into some stranger's life... (And now you can see a piece of what sparks my interest, at least for now, for I am admittedly fickle...)

Some of the Blogs that I keep on my Google Reader, in no particular order:

The Kosher Blog
http://www.kosherblog.net/

Blog that has tip and recipes for all things kosher. Not that I keep kosher, or even that I am Jewish. But my brother and his family are orthodox, so this has sparked my interest... Well written and informative. Good Pictures. I like pictures.

Kosher Newbie
http://koshernewbie.blogspot.com/

The "other" kosher Blog that I read. Explains a lot of the unknowns for me. The author has a nice way of inviting the reader into her home and sharing a slice of her daily life... This one I read more for the story of going kosher and all it entails.

Viator Travel Blog
http://travelblog.viator.com/

This one is a new addition. And the jury is still out... But since I have been living out of my suitcase and on the "run" for the past couple of years, it has my interest... Not to mention that the Boyfriend is totally into trotting the glob, so I would like to see what lies beyond my own experiences... Did I mention that I recently bought a few travel books? Well, this Blog is sort of like those... Only updated and added to all the time...

The Sunny Raw Kitchen
http://thesunnyrawkitchen.blogspot.com/

A good Blog filled with recipes of raw dishes and the photos to go with them. Like I said, I love photos. I want to know what the food is going to come out like... (Even though I know that it is all camera magic behind the photo... But as my Chef always said, we eat first with our eyes...) I have yet to actually try any of the recipes... I more use the ingredients as an inspiration point for flavor combinations, and that seems to work well... Also easy enough to make the little changes to add in meats or grains that are cooked... (I know, that defeats the raw diet, but I never claimed to be raw... Just liking to be a raw as possible... Thanks again to the Boyfriend on this one... Yes, I am dating a rabbit...)

The Lost Girls
http://lostgirlsworld.blogspot.com/

This one is a travel journal of three women in their 20's who decided to travel the glob for a year. This is one of my newest guilty pleasure Blog reads. The girls are pretty, what they do is exciting, the photos are great... Makes me want to cast off my life and run away too...

The Ben Spark
http://www.benspark.com/

This guy takes a photo of something every day, and then posts it... Simple enough right? Not as much as you would think... With my own daily photo project more than halfway over, I know what sort of nuts, uh, drive this guy must have... And he has been doing this for years... What I really like is that it has taught me to see things in a different way... And as a result, my photography style has changed quite a bit... For the better I think... Now he does do PPP, which I abhor, but it is a piece of cake to scroll past all the text and go right to the photo... Sorry Ben, but I really hate slogging through the PPP crap... So you know the pictures must be good for me to do that...

Shutter Eye
http://shutter-eye.blogspot.com/

Another photography Blog that is so good it makes you think you are looking at gallery photographs... And with a professional-amateur photographer for a Mother, I know gallery when I see it...

San Francisco Daily Photography
http://www.sanfranciscodailyphoto.com/sfdp/today/index.html

I am addicted to this one because this is the city of my heart after all... Every photo I look to see if I know the place, if I have been there yet... And they are good pictures too... Lots of black and white... The site is difficult to maneuver around in, but much easier when I just have it come up on the Google Reader...

RockStar Mommy
http://www.rockstarmommy.com/

I hate to admit it, but this is my favorite Blog right now... She says all the things I think, uncensored. We share a sense of humor, and it gives me a glimpse of what my life "could" be like... And at times, makes me really glad that I am single and without children... I can sleep all night, I never see a diaper, I have no teenagers to deal with, no husband to tease... But she has a great view of the world... This one makes me smile, even when I swear that I can hear her screaming over the distance of cyber-space...

Post Secret
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

One of the only pop culture Blogs that I read. And I have even made a postcard to send in to the guy... (The Boyfriend found a torn up letter on the side of the road on a trip we took, we thought it would be cool to turn it into a postcard for the Blog... (Which is also three, soon to be four books by the way... I almost fell over when I saw it in Barnes and Noble the last time I was there...) Really though, great site... Quick gratification...

Pointless Drivel
http://pointless-drivel.com/

Now I can't honestly say why it is that I like this Blog... Perhaps it is my inner freak that comes to the surface every now and again. Perhaps it is that it pushes every button I have, but since it is doing it through the Blogosphere, it is not so bad... Perhaps some where I too can enjoy the innane, and yes, pointless, drivel this guy really does spout. And spout he does... He is more prolific than I am and he self-entertains with U-Tube as well. He is larger than life. You know, perhaps it is that when I read his stuff, I just feel so (thankfully) mundane and evolved. But in the end, I kind of have a fondness for the guy and his escaped miniature monkeys... But don't say that I did not warn you...

New York Nitty-Gritty
http://otilius.blogspot.com/

A great photo a day Blog with a short attached caption of the photo and/or why it was taken... Since the Blog is really that short and to the point, I'll let my description be that way too...

Metro Dad
http://metrodad.typepad.com/index/

A parenting Blog from the Dad's point of view. He is light and funny and still a real guy... Not sure why this strikes my fancy, but if you are into the kids or parenting thing, this might be right up your alley...

Married with Dinner
http://marriedwithdinner.com/

A good place to go if you want to read up on all the different places to go to dine, or fins a smattering of different recipes and party ideas... The author lives in San Francisco, so this may only be a good Blog for those that are local, wish that they were, or are planning a trip there... Even has a few pictures...

Lunch in a Box
http://ss-biggie.livejournal.com/

Now this is probably going over the edge, but I love it! A Blog all about packed lunches... Photos and everything... You will think I am nuts for reading this one, but think about the guy who posts it... Either way, I have used the idea for planning picnics and for my own dinner, sans the cute little "boxes" that he touts...

Boob, Injuries, & Dr. Pepper
http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/

A Blog that qualifies for as a parenting Blog, that really is just so funny that it is a humor Blog to me... A great resource for the future, should I ever be faced with the myriad of child-rearing issues, mother and mother-in-law questions, and general life woes... Something I read to forget myself and just enjoy a moment in someone else's zany life...

Andy Hobo Traveler
http://www.hobotraveler.com/blogger.html

My last travel Blog, I swear... This guy has been living as a world traveler for 10 years... And he goes to some far reaching locations... Dry with a bit of interest on the side, but ohhh how different from everything else that I have come across... Better than a National Geographic and the same sort of content as far as the stories go. Good photos, but not the best in the world... This guy is a traveler, not a photographer... He is the real deal, not on a group excursion... If you want to know the reality of traveling to far away places, this is the Blog for you too...

Updates for the List of what I am looking for in a “Significant Other”…

Updates for the List of what I am looking for in a “Significant Other”…

As this list is an ongoing thing… I have added four more things to what it is that I would like in a “Significant Other”… I had scribbled them down on bits of paper a while back, but a conversation with a Dear Friend reminded me that I had yet to add them to my actual list.

The rest of the list can be found at a previous Blog post a few months back… It can be found in the Archives of December of 2006 under "I'm Making a List and Checking it Twice; What I am looking for in a Significant Other"...


Updated list of what I am looking for:

1. I want someone who inspires me to reach beyond my limitations, pushes me to improve my world, and is supportive of my personal time frames.
2. I want someone who believes that success is not just about winning, and that winning is when both sides gain understanding and perspective.
3. I want someone who loves me enough to set me free and confident enough in my love to be there when I return.
4. I want someone who embraces my body fiercely, but holds my heart softly with an open hand.

Measuring up to the ghosts of the past...

Today I ran into a ghost from my past. Someone that I went to elementary school with. We used to be friends actually. Really good friends for a couple of years when our age added together still made us too young to vote.

Our names were very similar, perhaps that is what drew us together. Though I can never be sure, we were always so very different. She was tall, I was tiny. She was loud, I was not. She masked her insecurities with lots of antics and I did my best to please. Perhaps it was because we were misfits that we became friends. We did what little girls did back then, we played with our Barbies in secret because what respectable 8 or 9 year old still plays with those things, we went to the beach and body surfed the waves before we ever knew about Jaws and being afraid of the water, we played dress up and make believe games and giggles about who knows what for hours on end. We gabbed on the phone until I was yelled at to stop tying up the line, it was years before my Dad would get call waiting and he was constantly mad that I was glued to the phone. I would sometimes be allowed to go to apartment after school for a couple of hours, but that was seldom as I was not really permitted to be out of my Father's supervision outside of school until after I moved out of the house altogether. (That and my Dad had a great distaste for anyone who did not live as we did, which was not like anyone else outside of my family that I knew of, at least not in America...)

As we grew older, we grew apart. We graduated from elementary school and went to different junior highs. I was the biggest nerd in school, having been mistaken for someone's little brother on the first day of classes, and she went on to be the wild child. She opted for drugs and parties and adventures, and I started dancing and performing in earnest taking starvation and control to a whole new level. Each of us had our secrets, but we no longer shared them with one another. We could no longer relate. Our friendship could not last beyond the childhood innocence and matching Halloween costumes that my Mother made for us one year.

We ran into each other every few years, each with a certainty of knowing one another before, but never referencing the past. She was too cool, I was too quiet. We did a stint in summer school one year in high school. I was taking US History to make room for my dance classes during the regular year and she was in the same class, sitting in the back with the rest of those that were too cool to attend class for nine months straight. I was singled out for being so bright and not belonging with the rest of the students, she was singled out for being a troublemaker. And that was how our lives went. She covered herself in blacker eyeliner and pink hair dye, I starved myself away like the master I had become. Both of us had only one thing in common, we could take on the world, we would succeed, but on our terms. We had backbone and determination.

And that is how it has been. Every few years, I seem to run into her unexpectedly. And we look one another up and down and move on. Our lives have no space for one another. We are too different. We are too shy to move past the awkward hello. We are too different. Even when we are the same, both spiraling out of control, like the time we ran into each other at the County Fair in out early 20's, we are still to different. Once I heard her say to her friends; "too pretty, too perfect" to her friends as they walked away, but she never knew the truth. Just as I will never really know hers.

Today, more than 25 years later, I ran into her again. At Costco. I was stopping by for a last frozen yogurt before I say goodbye to sugar (yet again) for good. She was on a break from working in the food court. She laughed, and I looked over. Our eyes met, and she recognized me as quickly as I her. Her name tag was an un-necessary conformation of identity. We did the usual up and down scanning appraisal and I smiled and walked away. We are beyond anything more now. You see, for all the differences and distance, our lives have turned out fairly similar in a way. Perhaps it is just due to being of a certain age, but in that instant it was very obvious that at least in that moment, we are both happy and healthy and normal. (Whatever normal is...) No more haunted looks behind our eyes, no skinny, starving, tweaker bodies hiding behind clothes, no masks of perfection or imperfection to hide behind, just two real people. And that was nice.

Of course I did the mental stock of how I must have looked, running about in the middle of my errands, my hair in a ponytail, makeup slightly worn,and flushed from the heat... I think I looked okay, good even. But it was more than that. I was walking tall, with my head up and eyes meeting the world right on. I am no longer as shy and reserved as I once was, I have the courage to push past my momentary uncomfortability in new places and environments. I know what it is that I knew so long ago as a small child wearing a matching poodle skirt for the Halloween carnival with her friend... I know that I can do it all, I can rise up to any challenge that life tosses my way, I can succeed...

Weekly Weigh In...

I admit it, I have been a bum when it comes to going to the gym. So Bite me... I am hungry and tired and don't have enough time in the world to get to everything that I need to...

Actually I am doing rather well on the getting things done before I fly out on Sunday, but there is a pint of Strawberry ice cream that someone else so nicely placed into the freezer for me thinking that I should have the same sabotaging treats as everyone else... Thank you so very much... I have goals... I want to have a rockin' hard body... I want arteries that do not tell me that I am in my thirties and getting older every day... I want to make it up and down the cliffs when I go to the beach without feeling like my lungs are going to quit mid way through the trip. I want to sport a tiny tushie and a six pack for Burning Man... I want my favorite jeans to fit me comfortably again... I want many things... (And right now I hear that damn ice cream in the freezer screaming out to me... I want the cravings and the emotional baggage thoughts that are tossing about my head to just stop already... I am not entitled to ice cream... I can get it any time I like... Geeze... You would think I was a PMS-ing teenager with no will power for all that I want that ice cream right now...

Anyway...

Weight: Same... But my jeans are not fitting the same as they used to... So this is better than before... And they say that muscle weighs more than fat... We are going to accept this since it works in my favor for now...

BMI: Same... But my jeans are fitting me better than two weeks ago... Don't point out that the tiny bit of fat that is placed directly over my abs has not changed AT ALL... Just don't go there... This will likely be the last thing to change on my body because it is the part that I want changed most... Well that and the woodgies that wiggle on my upper arm when I wave... Grrr... Like I said, this week, we are not going there...

Exercise: I managed to do a competition with myself this week... Though it will be ages before I will be able to get to do it again... In one hour I did 457 calories on the elliptical. In 30 minutes I did 236 calories. This was on the same night with really deep stretching in between the two. I noticed that I was loosing flexibility again so I am making sure to take advantage of the really warm muscles to pull everything apart again. I figure this will give me a better goal than to get in there to kill off 1,000 calories... I just don't have it in me to do 1,000 calories every time I feel the need to be a hamster. This way I cut my time way down, and I can do it multiple times in a night if I am up for it... The idea is to get the highest amount of calories in an hour... And now I am at level 3, rather than level 1 where I started at... Not bad for a gal on the go...

Irritability on the subject: High... I am just as likely to tell you to kiss my over-sized, starting to get tanned, flabby behind, as I am to eat the ice cream... And for those that know me, then you know how bad that craving really is...

I am a Warrior...

I got it! The mosquito stopped buzzing and the circle is no longer on my belly... I really (finally) got it! Having no mind is not about having no mind, it is having all mind... All the times that I was supposed to feel the wind and to concentrate on my breathing and to have no mind... I got it... It is the awareness of everything so that it just IS, and then it just ISN'T... It's not running from your demons, but is it not facing them either. It is more like letting them wrap around you and move through you so that you can in turn move through them and then past them... I get the water and the air and the twig and the stick and the stone...

Course I had to get it at the gym at 1:30 in the morning... Grinning and crying like an idiot, my face beyond flushed from being on the elliptical for 90 minutes, my shirts soaked completely through... The guys in there must have thought I was nuts... (At least the guys that work out at that time of night don't look at anyone or anything... They really are there to work out... And I was sweating so much you probably could not tell about the tears... So I was likely just some chick who was pushing her workout as hard as they were...)

I went to the gym to run from my demons... I call it running like a hamster in a habitrail... And the more I ran the deeper into those demons I fell... All the stress I have been carrying around with me for the past couple of years as I ran form city to city has been following me... Building up, getting bigger and bigger, until I was wound so tight I could hardly move, I was like a deer caught in the headlights of the nightmare I had been living... The health scare I have been dealing with for the past two month has put a lot of things into perspective, but it too is a demon, the kind that gets up inside you and festers, eating away at you like the cancer that was staring me in the eyes, a huge weight upon my chest, so that I could not breathe. The unknowns and unexpected that caught me off guard this week filtered into my brain, spinning it up until I could not shut the voices and what-ifs out, twisting my stomach into knots... Just like I was, inside and out...

So I ran... I took out restraining orders and hid... And my demons followed me... I faced the possibility of death and changed my lifestyle. I came at things straight up and head on... But my demons crawled up inside me... So I let it all go and placed my faith and trust in discovering self and finding real love... But the demons persisted... They wrapped about me like a smokey fog...

And so I ran... I went to the gym and climbed onto the elliptical. I held onto the handles and closed my eyes. And I ran. I ran until it hurt, until I thought I could not run any more. And I still ran... I ran until the words and thoughts jumbled up in my brain with the confusion of the other noises that surrounded me. The clink of the weights, the whir of the machines, the pounding of my heart, the music playing on my MP3, the ringing of my ears... I kept running until I could not longer filter any of it. Until I no longer cared... Until nothing was important. And then suddenly it was like time stood still. It was as if it was everything and nothing, separate and yet together like a strange symphony...

And then I could breathe... All those times that I could not multi-task in training did not matter. I could move and breathe... In through nose, out though mouth... I could feel the pain in my legs, but as if they were someone else's legs... I could see each thing, every detail, and nothing had to be processed. It was all there, and yet, it was all gone. It was just me. All those things, they were just things, just buzzing in my ear... Keeping me awake, haunting me... I was so busy being the stick, floating in the rapids, or the stone, sinking to the bottom, or the twig, bending so impossibly far... When I would get tired in the past, I was the leaf, being blown here and there, but never the water, never the air...

Tonight... Tonight I was air... My demons were as water, moving this way and that, going around and over and under... But I was air... I was everything and nothing...

Having no mind is not about wiping one's brain of all thought. It is not about being a blank space... It is the focus, the clarity, the space in between the spaces... It is being air...

So I ran... And I felt free... And it was... INCREDIBLE... And everything in the world seemed to loose all importance. It just is. It only will be whatever it is... And it does not matter.

And then I got it... What it was that was going on in that endless moment on the habitrail in the gym... And everything came rushing right back... And that made me laugh... My trainer says that when you are in the moment there is more than enough time for everything, that it is afterwards that time catches up with you... He is right...

I do not know what is around the next corner. But I am ready. I got exactly what it was that I wanted. I am fierce. I am adaptable... I can face anything. I can have no mind... I can breathe... I can be air... I am a warrior.

Weekly Weigh In...

So things seem to be back on track...

I ran the virus scans last night and did my measurements...

I am down another 1.5 pounds, for a total of four pounds. I stepped onto that damn scale every day, so I have it buried behind all the towels until next week. Nipping that one in the bud... I'll haul it back out next Saturday night...

BMI is back to 25%, so I must have been having a shifting week. My shape is starting to change back to what I remember (Oh so long ago when I did not have the fat pads on top of my curves... Whew! I was beginning to wonder if I left that behind with my 20's. Good to know that a shape is a shape until you do something drastic like have a baby...)

I did not make it to the gym since the last time, but I have taken to dancing in the family room when no one is about late at night... It's more fun and I can pretend I am at a night club (one that plays barely audible music) or a bar (last night I had a shot of tequila, it may have been my last though)or even a party... The only bad thing is that there is just no way to keep track of calories burned...

I am slowly switching over to a Macrobiotic diet. It's been suggested to me for health reasons, and it turns out that I am actually already doing most of it anyway. I think that I am going to do a hybrid version that crosses Raw and Macrobiotics. They both have their good points, and their very weak points. Neither one is set up just right for pregnancy (Which may be far off in the future, but I really think it is best to prepare the body as best as possible beforehand... And since the last diet I was prescribed, yes prescribed, by a Doctor was for first trimester females, I figure it is a sound and logical idea even if I never become pregnant.) Both diets lack some vitamins, minerals and nutrients that i think are important... So I have more research to do... But for now, I have a starting focus and direction. What this means is in addition to the strict no caffeine/no decaf, no chocolate, get rid of the sugars restrictions I have been given, I am taking out salt as well. (Good bye french fries... Oh how I will miss my feel good food... My tongue and happy-thoughts place miss you already...)

I am still really stressed out, not even yoga can push the thoughts bottled up inside me away for even just a moment... So I am sure that the weight will continue to fall off... I hate doing it this way, but it just happens. I can't keep anything in. It is like my body's way of saying that if I am going to keep the thoughts and emotions in then the food and toxins are going to come out. Like there is only so much room. I hardly sleep, so the circles under my eyes are back... And my hair is starting to show signs of it too... (Wimpy hair... Why is it always my hair? Why could it not be something else? Grrr...)

I guess this week I am going to focus on the stress part... (Though I am not exactly sure how to go about doing that at this point...) Then continuing my dietary research... And if nothing else... At least I buried the scale...

Proverbial Shoes...

I am well aware that the stress diet is not the diet of choice. Quite frankly, it is not my diet of choice. I mean seriously, who CHOOSES to have their stomach tied up in knots filled with so much acid that it liquefies anything it come into contact with? Who WANTS to have their chest so tight that it hurts just to breather, let alone cram another cracker into their mouth? Who desires to stay up because they are ill and sleep evades until they are to tired to cook anything to eat safely anyway? Certainly not me.

Last summer, I was on the other end of this. I was the one knocking over pedestals and spinning my wheels round and round. I felt horrible. I was in anguish over what I had done, for all the ripples I had caused. (And if I am being totally honest here, they were tidal waves, not ripples... But anyway...) I lost a ton of weight in a week that could not be explained. I looked as terrible as I felt, which was pretty gruesome, let me tell you. It took months to put it back on so that I could loose it in a healthy manner and not have that haunted, sunken in appearance. I ate ice cream by the gallons and still I lost. It was a stressful time.

I have often felt bad for what happened. For the choices that I made, and how they so deeply effected others. But know I know, I really know, what it was that I really did. On a much deeper level than I really desired too. You know that saying, "You must first walk a mile in someone else's moccasins to understand their plight"? Well baby, I am walking now. And there are holes in the soles already. This hurts. It looked like it hurt before. I felt badly. But now, I really understand. I could not close my eyes to things if I tried.

There is a part of me that wishes that things could be undone. That I could have the perfection and innocence returned to me. At least for a little longer. It was glorious. It was my every wish and fantasy all wrapped up in the most incredible reality... And it was divine. Of course I knew that I was seeing things in an untested state, that time would win out and that the human nature factor would come into play. But that sunrise phase of things, when everything is coming into light and bringing all the rosy color with it...Ohhh that was incredible. It is a euphoria that I am sure no drug can match... But when the sun gets to that point on the horizon that the first real rays hit your eyes with light, it is blinding and a bit of a shock... And that is where I am. My view of the world is nice, but i am still reeling from that sunbeam penetrating into my overly dilated eyes...

I can sum it up in one word: Ouch!

More than ever I wish there was some way that I could apologise for causing the hurt that I did last summer. I would not take back my actions, I grew too much as a person to do that. I became so much stronger and aware because of everything that happened. But I regret causing another person such twisting anguish. I am wearing those ratty moccasins, I am treading upon my own trail of tears. I understand.

I only hope that the person who is now walking in the shoes that I wore last summer learns as much from them as I did. If that sort of growth, acceptance and potential for inner-peace comes from this, then it was worth it. If growth come from pain, then there is a lot of room for growth here.

I hope that I have the wherewithal to keep these moccasins together on my feet until the end. The person who wore them last was not able to do that. Sometimes waiting at the top of the hill is as difficult as walking up it. Sometimes you just can't wait. Sometimes you just have to end the pain. But think of what a rewarding sunset you can share with the person you are waiting for when they finally make the trek up the hill? Who knows, perhaps you might make the trek up the next hill together, passing the water bottle back and forth as you stumble upon the jagged rocks... Who knows... But it is worth it... I have to believe it is worth it...

The irony of this whole thing is that it was the compassion and support of the one who is now walking in my shoes that got me to conquer this mountain in the first place.

So I wait...

Can someone please explain this to me?

Okay...

I have just spent my wonderful Friday night home, on the sofa, watching THE GODFATHER...

WHY?

Every guy that I know says this is a great movie... Fantastic, wonderful, insightful even... But I just don't get it... It is a long movie about a guy from Italy who gets into the mob and becomes powerful... It is long... It is dull... It is filled with name calling and violence... Did I mention that it is long? And slow...

There must be a reason why this is SO important for me to see... Why it is a fundamental tool for dealing with situations of control and power... But other than learning that if you rub your fingertips backwards across your chin while you speak with a funny voice people will think you are to be reckoned with, I just don't get it...

Course, it wasn't all bad... They wear a lot of very nice suits in the movie... And I love a man in a suit and tie... I really, really love a man in a suit and tie, especially tailored Italian wool... But not even I love looking at men in suits that much... (Did I mention that it was a really, really, really long movie? It was...)

So...

Can someone please explain this to me? Pretty please? With canolies on top? WHY is this such a great movie? What is it that I should be taking away from this cinematographic method of Friday night torture?

(Just pretend it's your daughter's wedding day and you can't refuse me? -See, I really did sit through it- PLEASE?)

Weekly Weigh In...

Grrr...

How did this get here so quickly? I know that I was dragging last week with getting around to the measurements and what the scale said, but really? Is it time AGAIN? I don't feel like I made any progress... (Not to mention that I am seemingly continuously hungry. Which I do not get, I am never hungry. So what is going on here?)

Anyway...Here we go...

Weight:
136.5 (Down from 139 last week... Dangerously close to drop-dead weight, but heading in the correct direction...)

BMI:
Up from 25%. I am un-happily at 27%. This I do not get at all... I will wait until next week to freak out though... perhaps this is that weird girlie-gain stuff... We shall see...

Measurements:
Yeah... Like I am going to cop to those here... (Can you just tell that I am not in a sharing mood this week? Maybe next time... Maybe not... But I did take them...) And if you take this to mean that they went up... They did... Grrr...

Exorcise:
I did not make it back to the gym since the last posting. I had down time. I did manage to do 50 whopping sit-ups and 10 push-ups... And tonight I went for a bike ride with a friend. Does moving stuff for several hours count? Nah... I did not think so either, but at least I was not a bed bug or a couch potato...