Ten Days…

Dear Friends;

It’s been such a long while… Ten whole days actually… I thought that I would go nuts for not having my daily fix… And in truth, parts of me really did… I missed you all quite a bit. But…

I had a very, very Dear Friend fly 3,000 miles to visit. Visit me, visit the warmth (and me), visit the sunshine (and me), visit other Dear Friends (and me), visit the tourist attractions (and me), visit the un-known local hot-spots (and me), but mostly just visit me… (I know... I am spoiled... Happy me...)

And was I ever spoiled! I mean who would not be spoiled by the endless laughter shared with a wonderful Dear Friend, that had just left 20 below 0 weather to go to Disneyland for the FIRST TIME EVER with yours truly as the whimsical tour guide? (I think I took about 400 photographs of the two of us laughing and giggling like the little kids that we were, in just that one afternoon. Thank goodness for digital cameras!)

And while it is late, and I am tired beyond reason, and already missing my Dear Friend… I just HAD to share this one silly photograph of the two of us…

Yup…

There are others just like me out there folks… Others who love to be silly and light-hearted just for the sake of delight and folly… I can’t wait for the next visit… I am already planning my invasion… I will take the cold and freezing by storm if need be… I will chatter and turn blue for the sweet bliss of long-awaited hugs and laughter…

And if you are wondering about the trip… Here is a glimpse of some of the silly to come…

• Sliding down banisters… Not one, but two… Weeeee…
• Playing in fountains… Brrr… In the winter… Cold blue feet…
• Disneyland… If you have never been, we SOOO need to go… It really is the happiest place on earth…
• World famous San Diego Zoo… And the Wild Animal Park… I’ll never look at Meerkats the same way again…
• Kansas City BBQ… Did you know that it has been 21 years since Top Gun came out??
• Views of the City… Ahhhh… The views…
• Hot tubbin’ so long that the prunes became prunnier than previously thought possible…
• Crusin’ Newport Beach in a Cabana Boat… They never should have let me drive…
• Food… Food for days… Food to write home about… Food so good I must Blog and tell the world about the most incredible breakfast I have EVER had in my entire life… I am still full…
• Literally hundreds of photographs… Possibly thousands… Was I really given a camera for Christmas? What was Mom thinking??? Oh yeah… I am a snap-happy shutter bug in the making… But ohhh… The photos!!

So… There is much to share…

In the meantime, I have missed you much, and hope that you are well… After all… A lot can happen in just ten days…

Muah!!!

Okay Q… This one is for you…

Dear Friends;

I have a Dear Friend whose Blog the other day really hit home. The little wheels and cogs inside my head went into overdrive…

This was followed by an important conversation that spanned several hours and placed me in a position where I was explaining views and beliefs that I typically keep to myself… Though exhausted, I came away feeling more connected to my Dear Friend.

This connection was followed by another conversation, with another Dear Friend, where I was the person holding open the door that was previously unseen. I have asked for that. All of it actually.

I asked to have those in my life that would open doors for me… Then I asked to be open to those who shared doors with me, as well as those for whom I consciously pointed out and held open new doors for…

I asked for it. I got it. All of it. And it is wonderful. Though at times it leaves me needing to find a place to center myself again.

This is my reality, because I desired it. I grow and learn because I choose to. I hurt and feel great joy because I long to.

I was very careful when I started out on this conscious journey in my life. I thought long about what it was that I wanted. I wanted to know life. All of life. I wanted to really live. To experience life at it’s very fullest, on every level, in every way. I wanted to be a part of life. I wanted all of these things. I asked for them all. But I did not ask for anything else.

I think about that choice often. Like this morning, after tossing and turning for hours, plagued by dreams that touch the very core of my being. I wonder that I did not ask to know only the beauty… But then I understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder…

So I add my words to my Dear Friend’s. And I repeat his question… What is your reality?

In this moment... Still bleary eyed from lack of sleep and too many drugs to keep the impending headache at bay... Below is my reality. It will be different, and yet the same, in a matter of moments. And if you think I am filled with sorrow, read my words again with the perspective of what is is that I want from life... What it is that I asked for in the beginning. I am in joy... Quiet joy today... But true joy because I am truly living...




Only Love Remains

Conversations
Communication
Want and desire
Weighty words
Lots of baggage

My head says
Let it go… Let it go…
My heart says
Let it go… Let it go…
My body agrees
It’s time
Let it go… Let it go…

Night Terrors
Beyond bad dreams
Buttons pushed
Eyes opened
Emotions exposed

My head says
You’ll be fine… You’ll be fine…
My heart says
You’ll be fine… You’ll be fine…
My body agrees
It’s time
I am fine… I am fine…

Knowledge
Understanding
Acceptance
Blessed with love
Truly living

My head says
Courage, Strength and Grace…
My heart says
Courage, Strength and Grace…
My body agrees
It’s time
Only love remains

Let it go…
You’ll be fine…
Courage, Strength and Grace…
Only love remains…

What do you think???

Dear Friends;

I am in the 11th hour of changing cell phone companies… And am looking for your thoughts and opinions on which to go with. As well as why or why not…

I have read consumer reports…
I have asked around, but not enough…
I have taken a poll as to who has which in my family and friends…

And it comes down to this:

Verizon or Cingular?

What do you think?

I need it to work in the middle of nowhere as well as in cities. I need it to work coast-to-coast and places in between… Cingular has given me this, but more people that I know have Verizon.

(And it was Cingular that gave me signal in the oddest places in the Catskills when no one else had signal at all. Of course I had to give my impression of those old fashioned rabbit antennas that my Dad had on the top of the TV when I was a little kid, but I did get signal…)

Oh… And one more thing. The most important actually… I simply MUST have text messaging…

(I have gotten better at the whole TALKING on the phone thing, but the bottom line is that I still miss too much of the conversation. I am good at reading lips, but not through the phone… I’ll have to work on that at some point… So… Yeah… Text Messaging is vital…)

So, What do you think?

Ais’s Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in January 2007:

Dear Friends;

It took me a while... But here we go...

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in January 2007:

01. Google toolbars with Internet spell check
02. MM’s in cupid holiday colors, especially the pink ones
03. Stories and photos of a Dear Friend participating in the pant-less subway ride
04. A far away friend coming to visit
05. Angels that appear out of no where to give me important guidance and love
06. The true love of friendship
07. blissful hibernation with an understanding Dear Friend
08. Seeing the passion of creation
09. Taste testing new recipes
10. Walking hand in hand
11. Leaving comments on the Blogs of Dear Friends
12. Learning to use my new camera
13. Bringing a guy along on a road trip with three women and having him actually survive, both directions
14. Movie marathons with my Dad and his SO
15. Trading Auntie LaLa tales for Auntie Jammy stories
16. Homemade mac’n’cheese for dinner followed by apples for dessert
17. Open communication on multiple levels
18. Being “stuck” in an elevator with a Dear Friend
19. The song “Through Glass” by Stone Sour
20. Text message marathons with Dear Friends

Thought for the day…

Dear Friends;

I think that we are given second and third and even fourth and fifth chances, it’s just that by the time that it comes around, we are so tired, we don’t make the push for them the way that we did for the first chance. We are too tired and we are too beaten down that we don’t want to do what it takes to fight that hard again.

It says a lot about the people who do just that. The ones who reach inside themselves and find that hidden reserve of determination, strength, courage, strength, stubbornness to keep trying.

I hope that I will always be one of those people...


I Believe

I believe in the Bluebird of Happiness
And the Tooth Fairy
And Santa Clause
And in the spirit of Christmas
I believe in second chances
And holding onto hope
I believe that eventually the truth prevails
And that right overcomes wrong
I believe in miracles
And wishing on falling stars
And four leaf clovers
I believe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
And that leprechauns dance upon it
I believe in the Easter Bunny
The singing harp
And the goose that lays golden eggs
I believe in Superman and Batman
And Superheroes of every kind
I believe that the common man can be the greatest Hero of them all
I believe in Divine Intervention
And Angels
And friendships that withstand the tests of time
I believe in Heaven on Earth
And limitless possibilities in the Universe
And in our lives
I believe in change
And growth
And the fulfillment of Self-Prophesy
I believe in Mother Earth
And Father Time
And living life to the fullest
I believe in truth and goodness
And that what goes around, comes around
I believe that laughter is the best medicine
And that words have power only if you believe them
I believe that faith can move mountains
And in healing hands
I believe in magic
And wishing wells
And fairy-tales
And the epic romance that inspires legends
I believe that nothing is truly lost or lost forever
And that everything happens for a reason
I believe that there is more to the story
And in finishing what we start
And also in seeing things to the end
I believe that children are the answer
And the hope of the future
I believe that everything has a price
And that life is it’s own greatest reward
And especially, that it is all worth it in the end
I believe in the empowerment of one
That knowledge is power
And in the interconnectedness of everything
I believe that nature will run its course
That you can’t hurry love
And that tomorrow is only a day away
I believe that there is a time and place for everything
That justice will prevail
That trust and respect are earned
That the greatest love of all is unconditional
And that after everything, in the end,
I still believe in ME

Checkmate…

Dear Friends;

I think I have been bested. And I did not even see it coming. I should have. I was raised in politics and weaned on manipulation… And yet… Blindsided…

I may be wrong… This mastermind may be just a regular player… But somehow, I do not think so… And the funny thing is, either way, I am walking away from it all. I did not want to play the game in the first place. I certainly do not wish to be a part of ugly things. And no matter which way the truth really is, I will never discover it. And I no longer care to do so.

I just wish to have things be nice and friendly. I want to be in a place where people are kind and honest with one another. I do not want to be a part of name-calling and mud slinging and political maneuvering. I do not desire to be in the line of fire or in the direction of hostilities… I am tired of insecurities and blame and the pointing of fingers. I will never understand the small and petty. I do not wish to waste time scared and stagnating…

This week, in my moment of anger, I sent a message to someone. I was certain that all signs pointed from that direction solely. I did not open my eyes because I was so caught up in that one direction. Which was wrong of me. The response was of course terrible. One of hatred and anger and denial. I showed both messages to a Dear Friend, who agreed that my message was too harsh and left little room for the other person to move otherwise. My Dear Friend also agreed that now bridges were so successfully burned that even social politeness in the distant future is likely impossible. (That is something entirely new to me…) And then the Dear Friend agreed with the likely possibility that this third person, for reasons of their own, was quite probably the very successful manipulator in bringing things to a heightened state of being…

So, I am laying my king down. I am done. No more Chess for me… Anyone up for Mah Jong? I only played a couple of times, long ago. But I have a beautiful set that is begging to be brought out and dusted off… I have three seats available, and plenty of hot tea… Any takers?

Yes... You can have your cake AND eat it too...

Dear Friends;

Life is all a matter of perspectives and timing… I have been moved up and down the scale of emotions this past week. And really what it all comes down to is this: If I feel something, I own that emotion. If I think something, that thought belongs in my head because I gave it the space to stay there. If others affect me, it is because I allow them to do so. And the most important one for me this week, if I am unhappy it is because I am choosing to be so. If I am angry, it is because I have decided that I am going to carry around the rock of ugly emotions, tethering it to myself until I cannot longer bear the hated weight of it and cast it off of me. If I am filled with joy, it is because I am surrounded by countless beautiful things that I am opening my eyes to see and my heart to behold. What it all comes down to is choice. Conscious or unconscious, we make them every day.

This past weekend, I started out scared, because I am afraid of the unknown. But everything reveals itself in time and I am not one to run away in fear. I then was hurt; my comprehension of the situation was momentarily devastating. I so long to see the beauty in all things, in all people, that when I am exposed to the other sides, I am grieved and hurt. I carried my pain up to my room and sat on the floor and cried transient tears. And then the moment passed. I am surrounded by wonderful Angels. They are friends and family and total strangers who embrace me in my moments of need.

(The poetry of the Angel, who spent half an hour explaining what a good marriage and relationship is about, while I was facing my own lost love for the first time, is not lost on me. Flexibility, adaptability, responsibility, trustability, and dependability… And the curiosity of the next morning when I was strong enough to stand alone, this same unknown Angel passed by me as if he had never spoken to me or seen me before… Like I said, I am blessed.)

A few words from my Mother, and I was able to accept that I have a great pain at this loss of love, but in the end, only time will soften the sharpness of it. Fading it until one day it is surprisingly gone. And it is not that she said anything so simple as that. My Mother, in her infinite wisdom, pointed out that he is likely hurting too. It was that reminder that he is only human, that allowed me the grace to hold my head up and let things go.

For you see, my Dear Friends, it was not the facing of this lost love that was so painful, it was discovering that he was choosing to do everything that he could think of to hurt me. From start to finish, it seemed as if it was his desire to reach out and cause as much pain as possible. From his actions to his words, everything pointed to that, again and again. And that was not something I had expected. So I cried out my frustrations and then accepted the pain. I chose to carry it. I own it for what it was, and could have been, and never will be. But in spite of the pain, the end result is that I love ME more. I love me more than I love anyone else and as such, was able to understand that in the end, that is all we really have. The love of self. Everything else is a gift that cannot be asked for, or demanded. It is freely given as the giver sees fit. But the love of self is endless and boundless and limitless. It washes over everything and leaves behind it a serenity unlike anything else in existence. It simply IS.

And so that was how my roommates discovered me when they re-entered the room. And it is an understatement to say that they were awed by the transformation that had occurred in such short time. Sometimes awareness is all that is needed for the transformation of self. Sometimes it is the indulgences in the little pleasures. I took the time I needed for me. I had enjoyed the heat of the hot tub, I had bathed in scented soap, I had brushed my hair until it glistened, and was at the stage of selecting an outfit to adorn my tanned skin. I was feeling a great sense of SELF, and was once again at peace. I was calm knowing that I was surrounded by people who loved me. People who would support me, who would be near to me should I need them. Those that could see that even though I was strong enough to move forward, I still needed the help of my Angles to move into the beyond.

And that was how the night progressed. I was granted breath of reassurance from my Angles. And I moved in grace. I laughed, and smiled and enjoyed the company of countless people whom I have missed. I made new friends. And I was able to step back and make the same assessments of those that would lash out in their pain. I looked through them and into them and saw their weaknesses. And then I embraced them from afar as being only as I was, imperfect and fragile, human and hurting.

It is still sad to me that so many people are so busy pointing the fingers at others that they do not point it also at themselves. I admit that everything that Galahad had pointed out to me was correct. I had, and still have, much work to do on the path I walk upon in life. But so does he. And he does not think it to be so. So he runs in fear and slams doors that were opened with love and then cries in protest that others are the cause of his pain. It is he who has shackled himself to his pain. Just as we all are responsible for our actions, words, emotions and thoughts, so is he. So am I.

(And while the last little bit of me that is angry for the deliberate bad behaviors delivered by the hands of those whose intentions it was to cause and inflame ill feelings, would still like to jump up on my soapbox and shout out into the deafening masses that it is their choice to be as they are, and if they are not happy then they should do something about it… That they are choosing misery… I really do know that you cannot teach those that are not willing to learn, nor push things upon those that do not desire it, or make time flow faster than it does. I now comprehend what blue truly is. But before, when life was all in shades of gray, I only understood that there was indeed such color. But I did not grasp the nature of it… So that too, I must let go. The dawning of the clearest sky only happens in its own time and place. No weatherman can alter that, they can only point to the heavens and hope that others will look upward and see.)

There was much more to this, longest of weekends, but the rest is of a different nature. Different discoveries, new doors and pathways, great beauty of acceptance and love. So I share those happenings separately, for that is how they were, separate.

Hibernation…

Dear Friends;

I am not ready to share the events of this weekend. In fact, I have been hibernating over it. I am still so much in the moment that I have not begun the typical analyzing of the events that transpired. And right now, I am so over-loaded, that I do not want to do anything beyond letting my mind drift in and out of awareness. I am maintaining a mellow status…

It was both the best and the worst weekend of my life. Doors were closed and new doors were opened. And at the end of it all was just me. Much like in the beginning. But really, that is all I can say for now… Anymore than that, and my heart taps on my shoulder and reminds me that for now, I am letting things go… And it is easier than I thought.

I have been lucky to have a wonderful place to unwind, with an incredible Dear Friend who has allowed me the grace to recover and regroup with true acceptance and love. That was an unexpected surprise. And I am thankful…

So please understand my absence and delayed return into the world at large… I will venture out again soon enough…

Life is Precious…

Dear Friends;

I feel very small today. Not to be taken in a negative way. More in that I am fully aware of just how human and fragile I am. I am able to feel every step and the ground beneath my feel as I move. I am aware of every breath for I can feel the air come in and out of my lungs as I inhale and exhale. I can hear the ticking of the clock like a metronome counting out the seconds of time slipping past… One… Two… Three… Four…

I feel as if I should be placing a sign on the car tomorrow as we load everyone up and zoom away to our destination that reads: “Precious Cargo on Board”. And then I think, if I did that, I would have to place them on every vehicle on the road and stick one on every person walking past. So perhaps it is better to change that to: “Life is Precious”.

The universe is huge… And though I am a part of it, and usually feel larger than life as a result, today, I feel small…

Say “Goodnight Gracie” ‘cause it’s all in your head…

Dear Friends;

How much of having a cold is really the physical body saying that enough is enough? And how much is due to the emotional commotion and the masochistic mental machinations?

I have been running round and round on the little habi-trail treadmill in my mind the past several days, and I am wondering if I have been accomplishing anything beyond just spinning my wheels. Now that my body is run down and crying out it’s own anarchist chant of “Let it go- You are expending too much energy” I have no choice but to obey. I have hardly been able to stand upright since noon… Apparently if I don’t slow down, I will be forced to…

(But my Dear Friends, you all know me very well by now. I always push to hard, too far, too much… And that is the one lesson I have been choosing NOT to learn. I still fully believe that no matter how much time we have, it will never be enough. I must make the most out of every single second…)

It was important for me to spend more face time with Casanova again. I wanted to make sure that things were as they seemed, and not how I was wanting them to be. And that is such a recent lesson, I felt it very important indeed to make sure all was as it should be. And oddly enough, it is even better. Though I find myself desiring to have more of his company than I am likely to have. I am greedy like that. (Though I think to some extent, we all are.)

When I am with him I am at peace. That is one of the biggest draws for me. I am like an addict when it comes to surrounding myself with people who bring out that trait in me. They are very rare, and that is one of the most incredible feelings I have ever felt. (Even better than skydiving, if I must admit to things fully.)

Most people are energy for me. Some give it in overabundance, setting me on edge because of the overflow and almost nervous sporadic sensation. Most drain it, taking as much of my energy as they can before I am needing to recharge. I know that all of life is energy. Positive and negative charges, all interconnected and flowing, the energy just moving about as life. However, there are those rare few that are like a neutral charge. Like being grounded. And with those people, my energy is left to itself to just be as I am. Sometimes we choose to flood the circuits with the flow, but otherwise it is an incredible state of just being.

Casanova is one of those people. And those are the people that I seek out. I also am drawn to the dawning conclusion that even for my party dress and mask, he sees me for me. And the love flows. Just like the energy. And in that environment, I love myself best. I have the space to love everything and everyone, including myself. And for that, I love him even more.

But I pushed it. My need to be as near to a friend that gives me such greatness so generously overcame my sense of responsibility to my health. And that is something that I have been neglecting these past couple of weeks with all of the holidays and excitement… And excuses I know.

So I followed through with the plans I had made, and loved every second of it. And I will continue to push on this weekend, because life is too short. But I just know that this is a warning. My body’s way of telling me that the circuits are jamming and overloaded and there is not enough incoming energy and recharging for all of the outgoing energy… And next week I must slow down. So tonight is Theraflu poppers, followed by Emergen-C chasers and a good nights sleep thanks to the wonders of modern chemistry.

And as usual, there is more on my mind, but things are getting too cloudy and foggy for me to write them down or really process them… But that too, is something that my Dear Friends have come to know of me by now… So let us all shake our heads together, sigh, and say “Goodnight Gracie”…

Goodnight Gracie… (I’ll see you in the morning with my game face on and wearing another brightly colored party frock, ready to take on the world once again…)

Goodnight Gracie… (Sleep well and don’t let the bedbugs bite… Unless you want them to, and then don’t forget to say please, it’s polite that way…)

Goodnight Gracie… (Yup, the drugs have officially kicked in… “Nite all…)

Super Freak!!

Yup... It's official... I L-O-V-E 2007!!!

Getting ready to go out and I decided to play a game I used to play with myself years ago... Turn on the radio and whatever song is on is the one that has meaning for the moment...

So I did...

The song playing was...
Yup... SUPER FREAK...
(She's a freak... A super freak... She's super freaky... Yaaooowww...)

Talk about the incentive to own it tonight.
I feel so on it is almost silly to have lightbulbs...

I have a new favorite word for 2007...

Dear Friends;

It is such an amazing feeling to put something out there, in no uncertain terms... To really address what it is that you desire and need, even when you feel that you are being overly-bold or taking too big of a risk...

And then have the answer be... YES...

Today is going to be good. Very, very good indeed... What a way to ring in the New Year...

Last year my favorite word was MORE...
I think this year it is going to be YES...

I love the way that YES feels on my tongue when I say it. The way that it rolls around in my mouth. I love the way my heart races when I hear it... And I love the abundance that it brings...

Say it with me: YES!

Would you like to have a wonderful year? YES!
Would you like to feel joy and happiness? YES!
Pleasure and freedom? YES!
Abundance and completion? YES!
Would you like MORE? YES! YES! YES!

Hello World! Bring it on! Is this going to be a thrilling adventure?

(Bet all of my Dear Friends know what my answer is...)

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!