Subtle changes…

I made it through Burning Man… It was sort of a let down in the sense that I felt as if I had been there before… Seen it, been exposed to the kind of people who gather at that sort of event, share similar philosophies and outlooks on life in general… But what it did do, was test my ability to adapt to the environment… To really have to adjust to the weather and the elements. This, was what I had really wanted to take away from the whole thing. It was an enticing incentive to be able to hang out and party any time I wanted… But that was not so much the focus for me. It was to see if I could really pass the test of self- reliance and asking for help when I needed it, from total strangers if need be. And that was probably the hardest part of all.

I have been so separated from regular or real life for so long that at times I forget I have ever been a part of things. Community has just been a word for me. One without real meaning… Before the disability, I was self-absorbed and shallow. My superficiality was far greater than my depth of character. I just was. I was young, so I skated by… But that just doesn’t equate to the same thing… You know? And then I had my world turned inside out and upside-down. Nothing I was before seemed to remain. And if it was there, it was buried so deep that I could not find it.

So I started over. And really grew to know just who and what I am, what I am made of, what I am capable of. But it left me in a state of removal from the rest of the world. I had loved ones in my life, but I have had to live in a selfish manner, though selfish in a different way than before. I must be selfish to get out of bed each day. To be able to do things for myself and just do the things that most people just don’t think about. And in that way, I have done all sorts of things that I was told that I would not be able to do. I have pushed past boundaries and expanded my limitations. I have taken back my life, and I have made it my own. Whatever it is, it is just that, mine.

So to let others inside my life, inside my bubble that has become my world, was huge. Gigantic. It was momentous in that quiet and often times overlooked sort of way. I admitted my weaknesses in public. I actually did not try to mask things when the headaches hit so bad that all I could do was curl up in a chair and occasionally crack open an eye to watch the world pass by… I did not make excuses for the times that I did not jump up to help, but when I could, I did. And it felt good to do it. And that made it worth the pain.

I even stood up for myself when I was not enjoying things. In the past, I would have put up with the situation and just been silently miserable. But not on the Playa. I expressed my emotions to the Boyfriend, and we politely explained that there was someplace else we needed to be, and then we left… We found other places and people and had a really good time. And I felt better for having said something, for being honest about things, for standing up for myself and taking charge of my own good time. In the past, I have just disappeared into the sunset to find another hobby, or party, of interest, or group to associate with. And while it is good to be diversified, to move on, or let go when things become boring, it is not good, if it is to avoid conflict or possible conflict. And I have been taught from a very young age that it is not for me to rock the boat, to make waves, to cause trouble or to be difficult. But not anymore. I do not, will not, seek those things out. But I will not sacrifice myself or avoid those times either. Nor will I make any apologies. (I apologized only a couple of times while I was at the event, and I really meant those words with all my heart when I said them. And THAT is what an apology should be for. For those times when the heart hurts and is willing to try to make amends. Not for making excuses or for smoothing things over. At least not for me. Not anymore.)

I came face to face with a few fantastic representations of stereotypes that I have dealt with I my past. It was as if I was being given the opportunity to show that I really have learned how to not allow others to effect me, how to live with inner-beauty, grace and kindness. I was positive, and genuine, and I retained my dignity. And I did it all with a real smile. The kind that starts on the inside and bubbles its way up to the surface. The kind that is infectious and lasting. The kind that feels good all the way down to the tips of your dancing toes.

I took all of that home with me. The confidence, the resiliency, the honesty, the acceptance of who I am. And I hung onto it. And when it happened a short while after that I found myself in the most difficult of situations, I still kept all of that with me. And I laid it all on the line. Right down to the painful point of goodbyes. And, in the end, there was no goodbye. Only more honesty and love. And that felt good. And I am one more step to being stronger.

I repeated my experience again, when I ventured back into places I had thought I could never return to, and I asked for help. And I got it. Simply and without reservation. There was no feeling guilty or bad, there was nothing like that on either side. It just was. And that was truly freeing. And so I am yet another piece closer to truly being free.

I worry less and less over the things I cannot change. I do not make excuses for them any longer. And I appreciate the place I am in while I am moving constantly forward into the next place. And I am living now, more than I ever was before.

So, if you asked the question, “How was Burning Man?” of me, I have now given you my answer. And like all of my “real” answers, it has been long and wordy and drawn out. But that is how I am… If you wanted the short answer, then “fun” or “good” will suffice.

It was not like coming home to me. And I don’t think it will be like that the next time I go. But it was incredible. In ways that took being away from the Playa to surface and take hold of my conscious brain. The change in me is there. It happened on the Playa, but it could have occurred anywhere. And who knows what future adventures hold for me… But that IS life, isn’t it? And I am okay with that.