Total truth...

Okay sister, you want honesty? Here it goes...

I am scared.

Tomorrow I go in to the doctor to go through what is just the start of a series of appointments and tests to see if now is the time I have to face that dreaded phrase: "You have breast cancer". There I put it in writing. I have spent the past month doing exactly as I was directed. Only once did I slip, and that was on purpose. Because if I have to go through life being that strict, then it is not worth it. If one slip makes the difference, then it won't matter in the end... And I am not ready for the end.

I think I am tired. Actually, I know that I am.

Tired of putting on a good face.
Tired of filling in the world about my personal medical information. (Though somehow Blogging about it is different...)
Tired of answering questions.
Tired of being poked and prodded and of sitting on yet another cold table in yet another cold examining room.
Tired of loved ones concerned and non-demanding inquiries about when and what.
Tired of running around doing things for people I care about because I don't know if there will be another time.
Tired of running around when I would just rather be sleeping.
Tired of thinking of the million what ifs.
Tired of thinking positively.
Tired of being the strong one when all I really want to do is find a shoulder to cry on.
Tired of pushing back the tears, and the anger, and the sadness.
Tired of being tired.

I am not ready for this. This is not the time. I accept that this may be something that I will have to face. I know that the odds are against me thanks to genetic testing. But now is NOT the time. Now is when I am supposed to be supportive to my Mother and helping her take care of things with her father. Helping out one of my closest friends when she is bed ridden and pregnant. Being supportive to my boyfriend as he continues his search for a new job and figures out what it is that he wants to do with his life. Bonding with my sister-in-laws. Getting to be the cool Aunt LaLa. Taking care of all the loose ends that I still have not managed to complete.

But I think that is what life is all about. Having things thrust upon you, or taking on more things than you can possibly handle, while you are racing to finish what you already leaving behind.

And since the night has passed and I am minutes away from that dreaded appointment, there is no more time to sleep on things. Now is time to face things.