Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in January 2008...

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in January 2008:

01.) A wonderful New Year's spent with fantastic people
02.) Pink pajama parties with The Boyfriend
03.) Walks at sunset
04.) Crayola colored sunrises and freshly showered hugs
05.) Bento box lunches
06.) Bye bye birth control pills
07.) Making countless baby cards for my cousins
08.) Painting the Capitol PINK
09.) Making new friends and networking
10.) Only weeks until Hawaii
11.) Planning another Boyfriend Adventure
12.) Easy Stanford Hills Hike and picnic lunches
13.) Loving the one you LOVE
14.) Having incredible parents
15.) Siblings that are taking risks and following dreams
16.) Watching babies laugh on U-Tube
17.) Finally getting to see what LOST is all about
18.) Making food as pretty as it tastes
19.) Throwing dinner parties
20.) Finding a "steal" of a raincoat

Ohhh baby?

Getting out of bed was difficult today... I just don't want to face what lies before me...

And you'll laugh, well, at least I am laughing over it...

It is the week for appointments... Being a female of a certain age, it seems that I am in and out of the Doctors for one reason or another... A lot... Earlier this week, it was to see the breast surgeon, who is asking for an MRI before he goes in for a biopsy. (He says that he does not want to drive blind and would rather have a map as to where he should biopsy, rather than run the high risk of getting a false negative. And since he found a secondary area that concerns him... Well... Let's just say that I really like this Doctor and appreciate that he does not prefer the quick cut and see method... I'd rather really know what we are facing... We are now waiting, again, to see if I am going to get the tests approved through the program that I am on... Otherwise, it is about $3,000 out of my pocket for the test and biopsies... What was that saying about getting water from a stone? Yup, if I have to, I will make that saying untrue... Somehow...)

Anyway... Todays appointment is of a different sort... And it has me no less dreading to go in... (And this is where it gets funny to me...) I am going in for my yearly female physical. And for the first time since I was 17, I am asking to be taken off of the pill. (Yup. True terror runs through my veins at this thought...)

When I was very little, my Mother sat me down and explained the facts of life to me. To the extent that I was disgusted at the things that the female body did and vowed that I would be different. (I was about 6...) Needless to say, I did not have that sort of magical control over my body, and it has become just like every other female's on the face of the planet... Fully functional. (Can you hear the kid in me still going Ewwwww? It is...) There were some really good side effects from my reaction to the biological... Like my addiction to prophylactics... (Safety is good... Avoiding the horrors of drainage is great...) Of course it has lead to the silly as well... More than one person has said in surprise: "What do you mean that you can't pee if I'm in the room?"... Yup... But those are just the little idiosyncrasies that I have, like everyone else...

When I was 17, there were some medical issues that came into light... And I had to face the possibilities that most women do not face (according to statistics anyway...) until they are 40 years old. I had it all worked out. I was never going to get pregnant. ever. Why would I want a... thing... growing inside of me? Making my body go through all of that and then having it worse off than it was before? No thanks. Count me out. Besides, there are so many beautiful babies from China that need adopting... And from that point on, I have always envisioned that one day, in the far off future, I would have a dark haired, Asian eyed, chubby cheeked little girl to call my own...

And then my Mother had to go and be right... (Yes Mom, I am putting it here, in my Blog, for all of the world to see... You were right.) I decided not too long ago that having a child of my own biological (how I still hate that word...) making would be a good thing. (Can you smell the smoke from the screeching of the brakes in my brain? The fumes are rolling out of my ears... They have been for about 6 months now...)

It's enough for me to want to put up Missing posters with my face on the front... WHO is this woman? And what have I done with myself???

So this morning, getting out of bed was difficult. Hey, I can take pre-natal vitamins... They are only vitamins and that is just being healthy, even if nothing comes from it... (And yes, I do know that one must actually have SEX to get pregnant, not take pre-natal vitamins...) But the act of going in and asking to stop the pill... (The pill that all but saved me more than once from what seemed like endless days of cramps, bleeding and PMS... Not to mention saved me when my hormones when into overdrive and I felt like I was a 15 year old boy in the middle of the hottest Sorority House... And for those of you who have been reading my Blog for a long time, you will remember those countless Blogs wondering if the sex drive in over-drive would ever return to something more manageable... Thank you to the mini pill and it's balancing effects on my body...) But going in there and giving up my security blanket... Can you just hear the ice cracking?

My Dear Friend suggested to me the diaphragm... A wondrous thought... Then I can still sort of have a say as to when this whole pregnancy thing gets under way... But the idea of doing that to my body still sort of scares me... (Alright, it really scares me...)

There are times when I wish that I was a man. They are few and far between, but THIS is one of those times...

Let him have it... The cramps and the bleeding, the bloating, the nipples so sensitive that he cries if I look at them. Let him be the one to deal with the after messes of sex, the wacky body temperatures, the hormonal changes. Let him go through the expanding of body, the softening of bones, worrying about the balance of nutrition and weight gain. Let him go through breast feeding and never sleeping more than a few minutes or hours at a go... Let him have to get the baby weight off, and have to look in a mirror at a body that will never be the same pretty body that it was.

(And yes, at 34, I have gained weight and lost weight, but my body has remained girlish... And I know that will change...)

Let him have to go shopping and spend money he does not have on clothes and shoes because he won't be able to wear what he has in his closet... Let him go through all of that and whatever else nature throws at women who become pregnant...

Let him do all of that... I'll be supportive and run to the store for cravings and rub his swollen feet. I'll tell him he is beautiful and that what he is doing is miraculous... I'll drive to the hospital and stay by his side when the delivery comes... And I'll even be encouraging when he is ready to loose the weight.

I want to have a child. I even want to have a baby. But the thought of going through all of that to have one... Leaves me wanting to stay in bed all day and miss my appointment. And somewhere deep inside of me, I know that he and I are in the right place to do this. that we have enough to offer to another being. We have the awareness of the responsibility and devotion that having a child requires. And I do want this, it's not a passing thing or a whim. (Not to mention that every time I so much as hear, or smell, let alone SEE this man, all I want to do is procreate... Hey at least this one time biological functions are not having a silly-girly effect on me... Or maybe it is that they still are...)

Perhaps, we will just get to a point where it will just "happen" and then that will be it. (I would say it would be great to go out and get smashed and wake up in that condition, but I have pretty much given up alcohol... And the more time that passes, the less and less I will be drinking... Sort of like giving up sugar... Now THAT one is hard...) But there is something to be said for getting caught up in the moment... Passion and not thinking of things like 10 months of torture... I don't know... Perhaps what I wonder is if I am the only one... I mean, with so many people on the planet, and so many of them women... I can't possibly be alone in my wishing for the miracle of the stork being a reality...

Yup... I wish for the Stork... And the Easter Bunny... And Santa Claus... And the Tooth Fairy... And that Chocolate did not have calories or caffeine... Yup... I want to visit the land of blissful (and admittedly childish) simplicity for just a little while... Say for about as long as it takes for me to conceive... That would be good... A nice vacation... Oh yeah... We leave in a few weeks... It's called Hawaii... Yea! There IS a Fantasy Island! And we have already booked the tickets... Life is wonderful...



Ps. to The Boyfriend: This does not mean that I am thinking of rushing the schedule... I thought about what I wrote and figured that it may sound that way... Only that islands of bliss and fantasy await us... Yup, I'm a nut over this, and you still love me for it... I know...

Crossing fingers...

After almost a year... Ten months or so... Since last March...
This morning, I am seeing a breast surgeon. It's a consult. I may, or may not, get the biopsy done today...
Cross your fingers that I do...
I just want this done with already...

Day two of elbow sex... Um... Rubbing...

It has been a long time coming... What I have been up to... But there is just no spare time when one is trying to save the world... Or at least young women with breast cancer... Or at least myself...

But at least I am going places... And fast... With possible funding for my Foundation through grants... And the offer of being recommended for intensive training for lobbying and pushing for legislative changes... Things are moving forward. (And I am very excited about all of the things that are going on... All of the incredible people that I have been meeting...)

Day two of the trip to the State Capitol went even better than Day one... (How IS that possible?) I took so many notes... (And with the help of the best interpreter I have ever seen, a little go-juice- okay... so it was three cups of coffee, and a great table-mate also taking copious notes, I think I actually got every word. Did I mention that there were handouts and power point presentations? Information rules!)

We participated in a Discussion Board that was filmed... As well as many of the top specialists in the breast cancer ares speaking, answering questions, and passing along the latest information.

The key note speaker brought tears to my eyes more than once. What an incredible woman!

And just like that, it was over as quickly as it had started...

But I go back soon to continue to make waves... Make changes... Make awareness... Make a difference... Make something... (Perhaps the something is more than a few Senators and Assemblymen go off running in the other direction because they are tired of my petitioning face...)

So there you have it... So much more to get done before I get to bask in the sun on the black sand beaches watching the lava flow in the near distance while I sip on a mai tai...

Ohhh yeah... Don't forget the umbrella baby...

Rubbing Elbows...

Day one of rubbing elbows with officials, aides, and other activists went wonderfully!

I met some really incredible people... An inspirational pair of young women from the Young Survivors Coalition, courageous leaders willing to share their wisdom, officials that really WANT to make a difference, officials that don't and a 13 year old girl from San Diego who, along with her young sisters started a foundation called "You Go Girl". (You should check it out... She is going to be among tomorrows leaders...)

I am heading back for a one on one with an Assemblyman to follow up on the legislature that we are trying to get passed. (And I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how very, very excited I am over that prospect...)

So... All in all, Day One went so much better than I had hoped... And to think that I was having Eleventh Hour Reservations... I am so glad that I came.

I have a ton of photos that I took and when I head back into the real world, I will upload some of them... (It's just not possible from a Hotel computer...)

I have a day of training and symposium ahead of me... (I love learning, s this is actually going to be FUN! Just watch out... I ask LOTS of questions...)

So much to share with everyone about the great things I have learned, the information that I have been given, the discoveries that I have made... But later... Promise!

Well... I am off to be the poster child (eh... young woman... um... un-insured/ under-insured woman) that we are actually representing... (I have told my story so many times that I am beyond tired of telling it. But, I am not alone in this, and changes MUST be made... So tell and re-tell I do... (Thank goodness that I don't embarrass easily...)

Wish me luck! (Thanks for the well wishes yesterday! I did kick butt... I did take names... Actually, I really did...)

Turning the Capitol PINK...

Tomorrow is going to come very early for me. I leave in the dark to head up to the State Capitol. I am joining forces with Susan G. Komen for the Cure and their Community Challenge. We are spending two days lobbying and in lectures, training seminars, and press conferences.

I am very excited! I am on my way to making changes in yet another forum. (And it is my hope that I will be able to take what I learn, and the contacts that I make and be able to forward awareness for younger women affected by Breast Cancer...)

If you have the next two days off, and want to join us, it would be great to see you there!

I am including some of the information below.

Wish me luck! I am off!!!!!!! (Yea!!!!!!)




Komen Community Challenge:

"This is the war on breast cancer. We’re bringing it to Capitol Hill, and then we’re heading clear across the country. Susan G. Komen for the Cure is taking its special brand of pink ribbon activism on the road in a powerful grassroots effort to “Close the Gap” in access to quality health care, research and information. Over the next 25 years, five million Americans could be diagnosed with breast cancer – and because there are gaps in our system, this diagnosis will be deadlier for some than for others. That's wrong."

"So as we mark our 25th year, the Komen Community Challenge is hitting 25 cities, reaching tens of thousands of people at town hall meetings, roundtables, lobby days, and summits. We’re rallying to make breast cancer a national priority, to help “Close the Gap” in funding that keeps thousands of women from receiving life-saving breast cancer care. In order to do this, we extend the Challenge to draw 25 million new people into the fold. We must - because in the next 25 years, 25 million people worldwide could be diagnosed with breast cancer."

"Come One. Come All. We are the face and voice of the global movement. As local activists and global citizens we will mobilize millions to put an end to this dreaded disease – forever."

Sacramento, California

"The California Komen Community Challenge is coming to Sacramento, California on Thursday, January 17, 2008 – Help us turn the State Capitol PINK!"

"This January 17 and 18 is the first Statewide California Komen Community Challenge. We hope that you will join us and Californians from every corner of the Golden State at the exciting events we are planning!"

"In the lead-up to the February 5, 2008 presidential primary election, the whole country will be paying close attention to what California has to say. Join us as we restore the sense of urgency to the breast cancer movement on January 17 and 18 and help put breast cancer in the national spotlight so that we can end breast cancer forever!" Here are the details:

"Close the Gap!" Rally and Lobby Day

What: The California Komen Community Challenge - "Close the Gap!" Rally and Lobby Day

When: Thursday, January 17

* 10:30 a.m. - Press Conference at the State Capitol
* Noon - 1:00pm - Legislative Training Lunch at Sheraton Hotel
* 1:30pm - 4:00pm—Legislative Office calls
* 5:30pm - Rally & Lighting the Capitol Pink / West Steps of State Capitol (join us and get a free Komen T-shirt!)
* 6:00pm - Concert at Crest Theater in Downtown Sacramento

Where: Sacramento, California

California State Capitol ~ 1303 10th St, Sacramento, CA 95814
Sheraton Hotel ~ 1230 J Street, Sacramento, CA 95814
Crest Theater ~ 1013 K Street, Sacramento, CA 95814

Who: You and all your colleagues, friends, family along with breast cancer survivors, co-survivors and advocates!

How: It’s easy! RSVP today!

Community Educational Symposium

What: The California Komen Community Challenge - Community Educational Symposium

When: Friday, January 18

* 8:00am - Breakfast
* 9:00am - Symposium

Where: Sacramento, California / Sheraton Hotel ~ 1230 J Street, Sacramento, CA 95814

Who: Breast cancer survivors, co-survivors, advocates, stakeholders and community leaders.

How: It’s easy! Email info@komenchallengeCA.com to RSVP today!

"Susan G. Komen for the Cure is re-energizing and amplifying a call to action for the breast cancer movement. Pink ribbon activism will take hold of California’s State Capitol in January 2008. We need ALL breast cancer advocates to help us make lots of noise in Sacramento as we challenge decision makers to "close the gap" in policy and funding that keeps too many women from receiving lifesaving breast cancer care.Help us turn the State Capitol PINK!"

"For more information about the California Komen Community Challenge, email info@komenchallengeCA.com or call 888-247-5319."

The truth about me...

When you are young, your life is filled with dreams... Hopes for the future... Grand plans and wild schemes. You have your whole future ahead of you... When you are in your twenties, you are bold enough to grab your life by the horns and try to squeeze the most out of every second of every day. You somehow manage to find a way to get an extra hour that time did not take into account. At least that is what it seems like for how much you put into each moment of every day... And then life catches up with you and you start growing up. Taking on more responsibilities...

Most people that I meet take their lives for granted. They move from one day to the next, sometimes marking the time by a special event or momentous occasion...

But for me... Every event, from getting up in the morning, to running an errand is momentous. Every action that I take, every conversation with every person, is a special event. At least it has been for the past seven years. (There are days that I cannot believe it has been as long as seven years, it seems like I was "normal" just yesterday... And there are times when I cannot believe that it has been seven years, it feels like an eternity has passed and that the end of my days stretches out to eternity...)

You can never see what the future holds... And I cling to that thought. It both brings me peace and terrifies me. But in the end, I embrace that thought. You see... For the past seven years, I have been living with a disability. One that others cannot see... One that rules my life, and I have learned to function within the confines of that dictatorship.

There are days that I cannot get out of bed... I actually spent most of the first few years bedridden or sofa-bound because I could not move for the pain that I felt. And there have too many times when I have become short of temper or seemed a non-committal flake because I could not push onward. And there are times that I am willing to do whatever it takes for just one moment, even if it means damaging my kidneys or liver or stomach lining to do so... (But we all have choices... And not all of them are "good"... Only we can define if they are "right"...)

My Mother in New York sent me an e-mail this morning. Enclosed was a message from one of her dearest friends, who also has a chronic illness, a life- altering disability... She had written to those that she loved and included a link to a very short story. A very clarifying description of what reality is like for those of us who live the lives that we do... AND IT MADE ME CRY...

Me, who rarely sheds a tear over this thing that I cannot change, shed enough that I now look all puffy and red. The story is beautiful in it's simplicity... It is poignant in it's truth... It is how I have always wanted to be able to explain things to those that I love... Those that are curious... And those that wonder WHY it is that I do not commit to something, or WHY I often back out at the last minute... Or WHY I plan everything so far in advance, but then leave it all open ended...

But for the record... While I hate what my life has become, I also am blessed by it... The appreciation that I have for every little thing is larger than life itself... I really do stop and smell the roses. I deeply inhale the aroma as it wafts past my nose. Everything that I do, I put my everything into... Because that is all I have... That moment. That moment must be memorable enough to savor during the "down times"...

For the past several years, my life is once again filled with dreams... Hopes for the future... Grand plans and wild schemes. And I know that I have my whole future ahead of me... I am bold enough to grab my life by the horns and try to squeeze the most out of every second of every day. I somehow manage to find a way to get an extra hour that time did not take into account. At least that is what it seems like for how much I put into each moment of every day... And even when life catches up with me and I have to slow things down again, disappear for a time, I know that I really have come a long way towards growing up. And I am at a place in life where maybe, just maybe, I can start taking on more responsibilities... And so the cycle never really ends..

So... Please... Cut and paste on the link... Click on it... But take the moment to read the story... It is short... and it can say everything that I have always wanted to, but never quite knew how...

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

And then you will understand the photo at the top of this blog...
As well as what is the largest part of my life...
That part I have worked so hard to keep hidden in my desires to appear just as I was before...
Just as everyone else is...
How do I love you.. I give you one of my spoons...
How do I trust you... I show you my weakness...

Happy thought for the day...

So what is it that you feed a balloon dog anyway?

The laughter of children...
The smile on an observer's face...
The dancing fingers of the clown that made it...

Thought that might brighten your day...

My personal happy thought... Trekking about the hills of Stanford with my best friend, and then sharing a picnic while looking out at the most incredible view...

What is your happy thought?

Overheard in the bedroom...

Me: Blueberry Coffee Cake... I need Blueberry Coffee Cake...

The Boyfriend: No you don't, it's bad for you...

Me: Mmmhmmm... Bluuuuueberry Coffee Cake... I even dreamed it last night...

The Boyfriend: Really? I don't know who this Blueberry Coffee Cake fellow is, but I'm beginning to t think I need to kick his ass...

Me: (giggle)

(What makes this funny is that The Boyfriend is also known as Chocolate Cake.)

So we had fantastic (healthy) egg white omelets for breakfast that The (wonderful) Boyfriend made... And I am still craving a nice slice of Blueberry Coffee Cake. The breakfast food, not a delectable fellow whom I have yet to meet... There is always tomorrow for expanding the waistline...

So here it is...

I have two resolutions for the year...

I am resolving to be a better friend this year. To my friends, those I am blessed to have, those I have not yet met. To my family, those close and those far. To myself, because it is important to nurture myself so that I have more to give to those I care about.

I am resolving to live a healthier lifestyle. I am focusing on diet and exercise, as well as increasing the positive energy by letting go of the negative for good. (I have discovered that I really do have a desire to procreate... And I want to do everything that I can to be as healthy as possible. And if nothing comes of my desires and planning, then I have still gained a healthier body and lifestyle.)

So there you go...

There are lots of other resolutions that I could make, but I like to make those on my birthday... And admitting that I want a child (gasp) is huge. The upcoming blogs may visit my thoughts on that... Since there are many of them rolling around in my head. How is it that something so great, so wondrous, can raise up such mixed emotions of the unknown?

Been awhile...

Okay... So it has been awhile since I last blogged... But I have to admit that with all of the writing that I have been doing over at the Breast Cancer site, I am all but written out. And when I am not, I feel guilty for blogging for pleasure.

But...

Time is passing by and the desire for posting is growing... Even though it has been so long and there is so much to catch up on...

All I really want to do is take a nap. It is one of those days. The kind where the flannel sheets beckon and invite enticingly. The kind that slips past unnoticed for its want of curling up with a good book. (I even tried to nap, but my eyes refuse to shut. Dratted eyes for being responsible! I would love to be a bed-bum today...)

The Boyfriend is back at work...
We just spent the most perfect weekend in my existence together...
I have come to terms with my (temporary) website limitations...
I am excited about the future, both immediate and long term...
I have packed so heavily this trip that I finally feel like I have things to wear and stuff to do...
And last night I chose to revel in the most perfect daydream rather than take my chances with real dreams...
I have two resolutions for the year...

Life is moving forward.

Thank goodness!

I had the opportunity to get a really good look at where I was last year, as well as the year before, this past weekend. And I am happy to see where I am at this year. I can see where I might be next year. Something I have not been able to say in a very, very, very long time. And while I would never hazard to say that I see things "for sure", I can see many of the different possibilities that lie ahead, and I look forward to them.

And when I get the balls enough to spill the beans about where I am heading in life, I will...

(Funny, I can toss the idea about in my head for the past year, I can talk about it with my closest friends and loved ones, but to post it in a blog... To write it down at all... WOW... It makes it REAL... And while I want it to be real, it is still scary to go there. And yes, I just admitted fear so you know I'll be blogging it and facing it soon. Talk about dropping the gauntlet on one's self...Sheesh!)