I'm making a list and checking it twice... aka: What I want in a "Significant Other"

Dear Friends;

I have spent the past year fine tuning this ever-growing list of what it is that I want in a significant other… I know that it seems unbelievably long, and exceedingly detailed, but when it comes to the people that we let into our lives on such an intimate level, shouldn’t we be exceptionally particular?

I think that if we don’t know what it is that we want, we are opening ourselves up to letting in things and people that may not be good or right for us. If we don’t ask questions and look for answers, we discover that we are surprised when the information is accurately revealed. If we don’t have a guideline of what is important, we can so easily become sidetracked and loose sight of our goals and dreams.

Of course, not everyone has the need to write these things down. Some people are just able to know these things and keep them focused inside their heads. I am a list-maker, from a long line of list-makers. So I write important things down on a regular basis.

When I ended my marriage, a very good, Dear Friend of mine asked me what it was that I did want in a significant other, I could not answer the question. “I want to be with someone who is nice and funny”, I said. “That’s not very specific”, she said. “Half of the world can fit that description, but you would not want to be in that kind of relationship with half of the world, would you?” “No”, I said. “That would be silly. There is no way that half of the world is that right match for me on that level.” So…She asked again. “What is that you are looking for, what is it that you want, what aspects will you not live without again? What is important to you?” I still had no answer. I had never thought about things like this before. “Think about it”, she urged me.

So I did. Long and hard. And I came up with the following list. It was one of the (many) goals that I had set for myself to accomplish by Burning Man. Turns out when you really focus on something, especially when you are in the right space at the right time, these things take on a life of their own. I wrote everything that crossed my mind on little slips of paper, on napkins and ticket stubs, anything handy. One night, not long before Beltane I woke up from a deep sleep and just had to get to my laptop. I typed like a woman possessed. (I probably was.) I came up with a long list that very closely resembles this one. I wrote until I was done, and then exhausted, I returned to bed.

The next morning when I woke up, I thought that I might have dreamed the whole thing. I figured it was my sub-conscious telling me that I needed to really focus on what I wanted. So I gathered up all of those little bits and slips of paper and notes and set the wadded mass next to my computer. And then I saw the list. I was blown away… (I love when that happens. It was like finding money that you forgot about in a pocket when you are doing the laundry only even better.)

When I started matching up the bits of notations that I had made over the previous months to what I had typed onto the computer, I discovered something else, most everything was already there, and in even greater detail. It was broken down into tiny bite-sized pieces. I realized this way it would easy to identify things when I was caught up in the wonder of a terrifically incredible new person in my life. (And I do get caught up in the excitement and infatuation of a new person.)

Since Beltane, I have used the list greatly. And in many more ways than I thought I would. I use it as a tool to remind myself that I am a wonderful person who deserves wonderful things. I have used it to let go of wonderful people as they pass through my life on their own paths. (Just remember, there are many different kinds of wonderful, and often times it is not the right kind or at the right time.) I have used the list to give myself hope on those rare low moments. (How would I know what great things I was looking for if I had not been exposed to such greatness somewhere? That meant that greatness WAS out there. And that low moment would pass more gracefully.) And I have used the list to remind myself what questions to ask.

I am not saying that I am not open to other things, just that I won’t accept anything less. I know what I want and value what I am worth. And I know that as time passes on and I grow and evolve, so will my list. That is something I actually look forward to. And while my list is numbered, all of the items on my list are equally important.

So without further ado… My list of what I am looking for in a significant other (and other incredibly close friends):


1. I want someone who has answered all the questions on my survey, and is able to answer all the same information about me.
2. I want someone who likes to kiss and hug, be held, and to hold me, often.
3. I want someone who wants to touch me often and deeply.
4. I want someone who picks me up and carries me away, who will sweep me off my feet and also throw me over his shoulder.
5. I want someone who has the passion to throw me onto the bed and the compassion to know when to lay me down gently.
6. I want someone who I find to be completely irresistible in every way imaginable, and feels the same way about me in return.
7. I want someone who is able to get away from it all.
8. I want someone who understands that I am a person who makes mistakes and tries to correct them.
9. I want someone who believes in second chances for honest and good intentions.
10. I want someone who is understanding and compassionate, not jealous or possessive.
11. I want someone who will pick up the ball and DO something with it other than drop it for me to pick it up.
12. I want someone who will be content with themselves and sharing their life with others.
13. I want someone who is patient.
14. I want someone who fights fairly and does not throw punches, hit below the belt, or deliver low blows. Someone who is not abusive, mentally, emotionally, or physically.
15. I want someone who understands my need to sleep on it, and then discuss it in the morning.
16. I want someone who is open and will deliver real, honest answers to my endless questions.
17. I want someone who says what they mean, and does what they say, no matter what.
18. I want someone who is consistent and reliable.
19. I want someone who will make the time, all the time, not fit me in.
20. I want someone who will not string me along, or leave me waiting to know what’s next.
21. I want someone who is turned on by my brain, not just my body, but I want them to think that my body was made for pleasure.
22. I want someone who is open minded, and has a great acceptance and tolerance for others.
23. I want a powerful individual, who is a gentle person, and a caring, thoughtful partner.
24. I want someone who is well read, widely versed, and greatly traveled.
25. I want someone who knows home is where the heart is.
26. I want someone who can make me laugh, no matter what kind of mood I am in.
27. I want someone who knows at the sound of my voice what to say to make me smile and feel reassured and supported.
28. I want someone who is more experienced and wants to share all their knowledge with me.
29. I want someone who is open to hearing my thoughts and opinions, and values them highly.
30. I want someone who places me first in their life, but does not defer their life for mine.
31. I want someone who is accepting of my need for independence.
32. I want someone who will take care of me, as I take care of them.
33. I want someone who sees their future in my eyes, and their happiness in my heart.
34. I want someone who knows that they must love themselves, and make themselves happy, before they can share that with others.
35. I want someone who is kind and thoughtful.
36. I want someone who has good communication skills, and uses them everyday.
37. I want someone who enjoys, and thrills, on my being a girly girl.
38. I want someone who likes high maintenance, and will maintain me with pleasure.
39. I want someone who wants to curl up around me at night.
40. I want someone who will tell me, and show me, every day, that they love me.
41. I want someone who accepts my illness, and knows when I am in pain.
42. I want someone who can see through the smoke and mirrors, can see through the act, and knows when to lend assistance and guidance, and when to let me do things on my own.
43. I want someone who makes me feel the passion I felt when I was seventeen and with my first love.
44. I want someone who can cause me to be so wrapped up in them, that the whole world seems to melt away in minutes of my being with them.
45. I want someone who shares such a deep connection with me when we kiss, that it feels like perfection attained every time.
46. I want someone who matches me physically in such a way that I feel like a tall supermodel when walking on their arm, and completely small and enveloped when I am held within their arms.
47. I want someone who makes me feel comfortable being picked up and carried around.
48. I want someone who makes me want to jump into their arms, and wrap my legs about their waist and my arms about their neck.
49. I want someone who cannot help but to laugh with me when I giggle because it is impossible for them not to.
50. I want someone who is amused by my crazy capers.
51. I want someone who is indulgent with me in every way, especially to my silly whims, no matter how nonsensical they may seem at the time.
52. I want someone who has established a solid standing base level in the relationship, so that I never end up wondering where it is I, or they, or we stand with one another.
53. I want someone who has a sex drive to match mine, likes variety with consistency of enthusiasm.
54. I want someone who likes intermezzos as much as all night escapades.
55. I want someone with whom the passion is so strong that hours go by and it feels like it has only been moments.
56. I want someone who understands and likes that my family is important to me.
57. I want someone who likes to share in my family and the myriad family occasions that occur.
58. I want someone who wants to include me in their family.
59. I want someone who is both smart and intelligent.
60. I want someone who I find completely disarming, and is able to take my breath away every time I see them.
61. I want someone who craves the warmth of my body pressed up against them, the touch of my skin, the feel of every inch of me.
62. I want someone who does not think having sex four or five, or six or seven times a day is too much, and is also able, and desirous, to just make out for hours.
63. I want someone who misses me the second I am gone, thinks about me while we are apart and greets me like an eternity has passed each time we reconnect.
64. I want someone who is emotionally available.
65. I want someone who wants to share their secrets, longings, desires, needs, hope, dreams, and wishes with me so much that I am the first person they think of to tell.
66. I want someone who can’t bear to think of not having me as an important, integral part of their daily life.
67. I want someone who I can be silly and goofy with.
68. I want someone who I can be totally honest and open with, revealing anything that enters my life, or crosses my mind.
69. I want someone who does not wish to control me.
70. I want someone who challenges my body and my mind.
71. I want someone with whom I have incredible, stimulating conversations on a seemingly endless variety of topics.
72. I want someone who brings out the best in me, as I do them.
73. I want someone who makes me a better person for knowing them, and sharing my life with them.
74. I want someone who believes that love is the greatest gift that can be given to another person.
75. I want someone who cares about my thoughts, opinions, and desires.
76. I want someone who respects me.
77. I want someone who trusts me.
78. I want someone who has earned my trust, and shown me that there is no reason to question if it has been misplaced.
79. I want someone who likes and accepts change as a natural progression of life.
80. I want someone who grows from each experience and looks forward to the people we will evolve into over time.
81. I want someone who has a grand sense of adventure, no matter if the adventure is trekking into the unknown wilderness or spending the day in bed.
82. I want someone who believes that life is art, and the pursuit of any art form is worthwhile, from architecture to making the perfect cup of tea.
83. I want someone who wants to leap into the unknown, reassured that no matter what lies ahead will be glorious because they will share the experience with me.
84. I want someone who looks for the positive side of things, but can also be practical and realistic.
85. I want someone who practices hope daily.
86. I want someone who feels joy and passion from many things, including me.
87. I want someone who I inspire to even greater heights, and thusly inspires many.
88. I want someone who can deliver a grand speech, make a touching toast, and share in a conversation with a shy child, effortlessly.
89. I want someone who responds well to animals, though does not necessarily want to have pets.
90. I want someone who will dance with me in public, in the living room, under the stars, beneath a streetlight, and in the rain, just because.
91. I want someone who puts both lids down, doesn’t care which way the roll goes, and shares the covers.
92. I want someone who is affectionate with everyone.
93. I want someone who thinks that I am perfect in my imperfection.
94. I want someone who is driven to improve their world, not sit back and complain about it.
95. I want someone who is artistic and/or creative, able to think outside of the box, maybe even capable of building their own box.
96. I want someone who is sexually adventurous, respectful, responsible, and above all just as dedicated to my enjoyment as I am to theirs.
97. I want someone who will appreciate me the way I am, and not be focused upon loving my potential or an illusion.
98. I want someone who will be a good addition to my family and friends, and I to theirs.
99. I want someone who enjoys exploring the unknown, be it physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, or any other.
100. I want someone who is introspective and appreciates that quality in me as well.
101. I want someone who has a list, written or remembered, that actively pursues crossing things off and continually adding more to be experienced.
102. I want someone who derives pleasure from the items on my list and thrills when they are included in an adventure experienced.