Selfish blogging...

Today I am blogging for selfish reasons. At least that is how I have come to think of it. I am blogging just for me. Not to save the world. I have been writing so much and making post after post, but not really about the things inside my head. And really, sometimes there are other thoughts upstairs that just get lost in all of the pink HTML jumble.

This morning, I have a list of things that I have to decide upon. Things to decide if they are worth it or not. Like picking battles. Kind of like breast cancer kills, but tinnitus doesn’t so my disability goes by the wayside in terms of getting help and looking for creative solutions. (Yeah, we forgot about that one huh? I can hear the thoughts of “disability?” from here. That’s okay, for the first time in almost eight years, I almost forgot about the chronic pain an headaches. And if it were not for the bell tower that has decided to continuously call all the invisible monks to matins this morning, I would still be focused on painting the town pink.)







Here is what I have on my plate:







To embrace the pink ribbon or not? Sounds like a silly question, and yes, it is still about breast cancer, but it is a big thing right now. (And also the dilemma I have chosen to hide all the other personal dilemmas under.) It is a genuine question and decision that I need to face though. With all of the skepticism of Charities these days, and part of my foundation’s aims being to point out the holes that exist, do I wrap myself up in the pinkness and beribboned banners of the sea of breast cancer organizations?



On one hand, it is identifiable to those I am asking for help. The Mothers, the children, the teenagers, the congressmen, the media, the world as a whole. It saves me in marketing and in brand (or in my case, CAUSE) identification. People like to be able to sort things into place easily, but I don’t want to get lost either, or mixed into the fall out that is currently going on. And I want something that the 15-25 year olds are going to embrace, those that walk around proudly exclaiming that they were “made in the 80’s”. (I laugh every time I see one of those tee shirts, turns out that making money wasn’t the only thing Yuppies were doing. There are a lot of those shirts.)

I have to find a way to update the ribbon to set myself apart from the rest, but not alienate them either. (And yes, I just realized that I am calling the foundation “me” and “I”, and no, there is not a difference inside my head or my heart.) My Mother has been asking if I am going to go down the ribbon path or not, and we talked about it quite a lot this week getting ready for her Holiday party. (And I must admit that Sears has the most beautiful gold and diamond CAUSE ribbon pendant that I have been coveting since my Mother pointed it out last night on their commercial. And all last night I danced about in it in my dreams.)



And we did talk about how it would be a very useful conversation piece as I meet more and more people, and as shy as I am, I need all the help I can get starting the conversation. (turns out that passion inspires though, so I am good as soon as I get going… But ohh the going…)

So I am leaning towards pink. But with tons of black. Not so suicide girls that I alienate the Boomers, or take away the Princess aspect for the Thirty-Somethings, but something a little more urban. Something along the “Keepin it real” vibe. And it is almost there.





And, as is typical, just the act of writing it down here has sorted through most of my thoughts and landed them into a place where I can go forward. (Perhaps tonight I wont dream about all the people that I used to know as friends, but not the closest friends, telling me to go away, that I did not fit in, and having to decide what the balance was for fitting in, standing out, and when to make a statement in the gigantic pink marble palace we all lived in together. Yeah… My dreams are not telling or anything are they?)

But, with that dilemma dissipated, it leaves the underbelly of decisions exposed. And I face my Father in a couple of hours…

I need to figure out if this is something that I need to explain to him. I mean, I know that I am going to explain the Foundation to him, he knows about it. But I need to figure out if it is important to ME if my Father gets me on this one. Because quite frankly, he does not think I am doing what I should be right now. What is it that he is wanting me to do? Be perfect, like any parent right? That is fine, I am sure I will ask that of my children too someday. But my Father does not ask a child to be perfect by being themselves, he asks them to be perfect by fitting into his ideals. (Though I can hear the screaming denials from here.)

What does he want?



I am involved with the most incredible person I have ever met...







AND he fits into the family…



I am on the path of getting married...













And having babies...











I am settling down...

































I don’t go out and party it up, actually, I hardly go out at all, which is even better…






















I have mended the bridges with my one Brother and maintain a bond with my other Brother…











I am doing philanthropic work that can make a difference in the world…













I am doing the tap dance of the century, and even looking lovely while doing it too…









What is it that he wants?



The one thing he never wanted from me before.







He wants me to do something that makes money.













So I laugh inside that it is like he asks for the moon, but does not give you the spaceship in which to travel there.



But when you get there anyway, and bring him the moon on a silver platter, he decides that what he wants is the sun instead. And while I have turned into a radiant Diana..







I refuse to become an Icarus for anyone.



I guess I have that answer too then…



Funny that it does not hurt at all.

It just makes me sigh to think that I am still wanting to preserve the peace and maintain the relationship that I do have with the man that is my Father… Ohhh… It is going to be a lovely day… I think I am going to head over to my Aunt’s first. I am calling in the re-enforcements for this one. (No one is going to throw melted wax and feathers at my pink palace…)



As to the issue of my eating everything in sight… Kiss my oversize behind…





As my Brother says, it is big enough that you’ll be kissing the right cheek for quite some time.



And by the time you are done, I’ll have hit my head against the wall again several more times for doing emotional and stress eating, yet again. One mountain at a time. And I have enough climbing to do today…

But if you feel like pointing out any of this in a week or so, I may just return the tushie kissing favor…



Be prepared, I tend to lean in from the left…