One of those mornings...

I am having one of those mornings. It is something that I am going to have to harness. Turn it from a morning to a moment. I need to develop a thicker skin.

I just got off the phone with someone from the "Every Woman Counts" program. And it is not true. Every Woman DOES NOT Count. Only those over the age of 40. The program is not available to those under the age of 40. Like Cancer waits for a specific date on the calendar... (Yeah, I wish... Then I could schedule it in somewhere between having my not-yet-conceived children grow into maturity and death. That would work for me. Or how about two weeks before my 94th birthday instead?)

Grrr...

I was given the number for the American Breast Cancer Foundation. That was at the top of my list to call at 9am today. But I was forewarned that the American Breast Cancer Foundation is not accepting any new clients at this time. Clients? It turns out that recipients and patients are referred to as "clients". There is a waiting list, though it is long. I can add my name to that if I like. Why is there a waiting list? Why no new "clients"? Because there are no funds at this time. The Foundation is out of money.

Ohhh...

I took a moment when I hung up the phone to look at the new Lucky magazine. It is my favorite thing in the world. It used to bring me so much pleasure to follow the trends and see what the pretties are and to follow the prices. But this morning all I saw was a Re'Vive Weekly Treatment Facial Mask that is selling for $190.00. The only thought that passed through my head was $190.00 for facial cream. If you bought the $20.00 facial cream, you would have enough left over to make a difference in one of a million different ways. And then I thought that I must really be down to confuse a facial mask with facial cream... And then I just stopped caring. About the contents of the magazine that is...

I have been spending these past days since my initial breast cancer post doing a ton of research. As if a fire has been lit under my feet and I can't slow down for fear of the pain if I fail. I have made steps towards doing some great things. I am starting a Foundation as well as an Action Organization/Coalition for those who follow. I have tortured my brother, The Boyfriend, and The Boyfriend's out-of-town guest with my obsession and upset rants. (Upset is different than angry. And I have been upset. I think I may do better to get angry though. At least for a while.)

I have been up to my eyeballs in looking for my own needs, and drowning (by choice as well as the deep feeling of necessity) in the mass of information that is not pertinent to my cause. (Though last night and this morning, I have made some important discoveries that affect the Activist and Legislative end.)

It saddens me to think that things are the way that they are. That I find out horrible facts and can no longer bury my head in the sand in blissful ignorance. Yet one more layer of innocence is being stripped away. And it hurts. (But at this rate, I might actually BECOME one of those wise old women and truly be able to claim the wise part.)

What I fear is driving away my friends with this obsession to make changes and to amend a horrible over-site. I worry that I will become one of those dull individuals that has nothing left to say about anything outside of my cause. I don't want this to be my entire life. I just want this to be something important that I was meant to do with my life. And there is a difference. But right now, this CONSUMES me. I don't know which will kill me first, the cancer, or the cause. Neither. But it feels that way.

Breathe...

Well... Off to more calls. More research. More dead ends. More exciting discoveries. More information. And hopefully, one more step forward.