Everybody needs a hat...

My sister-in-law is doing this great hat contest on her Blogsite. Every day for a week a talented artisan is creating a special hat- and giving it away through MommyMommyLand's contest. (And yours truly is making one of the hats to be given to a very lucky winner.)

You should check out her Blog: MommyMommyLand



Enter the contest...
Maybe win a cool new hat...
See adorable photos of my nieces and nephews
Pick up a recipe or two...
Enjoy the perspective of a wife and mother of four as she grabs life by the horns...

Just click on the button below...

I really need to scream right now...

You know that famous piece of art called The Scream by Edvard Munch? That is exactly what I look like inside my head. And if it would not frighten the neighbors, I would really be screaming right now. I am that frustrated.

I got a call back from Susan, the breast health case manager at the Mar Monte Planned Parenthood in Sunnyvale. She called to get a local address to send my mammogram appointment information to. (I had written down my mailing address and it is about 550 miles away. Not exactly local.) After explaining to her that I travel frequently and did not know where I would be between now and the appointment, but I would most certainly be in town for the appointment, (whenever that was) we decided that I would give her a local address that forward the information to me if need be.

I asked Susan how long it would be before I would get to be seen for the Mammogram and Ultrasound. (So I could continue to make sure that I was indeed in town.)

"It is just a Mammogram", she said.

"It is supposed to be for a Mammogram and an Ultrasound", I told her. "That is what the Doctor said."

Susan said that she had me listed for a Diagnostic Mammogram.

(What? I am 34 years old. Which in breast cancer years is practically infantile. My breasts are dense. They are huge. They defy gravity. Every medical professional I have ever seen has advised for an Ultrasound to go with the less than definitive Mammogram.)

"Fine. Any idea how soon I might be able to get that done?", I asked.

"Well it takes a few months for a regular Mammogram, but since you have an existing lump it may only be a couple of weeks. But I can't really say."

When I asked Susan if I was able to finance the tests another way, like through a credit card? (Or perhaps by picking dollar bills off of the money tree that I keep hidden in my closet, or the Leprechaun and his pot of gold that I keep stashed away in my sock drawer... I thought it, but refrained from saying it...) How long would it take to get a test then? Could I be seen right away? She really could not say about that either. She had no information on Mammograms that were outside of the Patsur Program.

I thanked her and we hung up. (And this was the same Susan that was so helpful when I called to get an appointment in the first place. Perhaps she is having an off day. Perhaps she found out just before my last call that she won an all-expense trip to Paris and was happy to help. But today's version of Susan was less than happy to help. And she was less than helpful. But I remained polite. After all this woman holds the fate of my breasts and my life in her hands. That is, unless I can locate someplace else to get a Mammogram and an Ultrasound.)

So I am ready to scream. I have never been so frustrated in my life. After this, if I am still alive and able to have kids, I will make a great parent. I will have the patience of Job, or a Buddhist Monk, or the Dali Lama, or Mother Teresa. (Though I bet at least Mother Teresa felt her patience tried. Have you seen the look in her eyes in some of those photos? I would be willing to stake my life on it that Mother Teresa wondered to herself "why?" at least once or twice. And if she didn't, then I would not be any worse off than I am right now. Waiting with my life in limbo.)

I want to go to Japan. I saw a thing on TV once about how in Japan, business men pay $20.00 for a plate, just so that they can throw it down this deep hole in the floor and watch it break into a million pieces. I bet that felt good. (I would throw my phone, but I need that. Someone else may call to tell me that I have even longer to wait before getting a Mammogram. You never know...)

What I don't get, is that I have a lump. A big lump. An ugly, scary, "suspicious" lump that you can feel even if you have never done a breast exam in your life. Really, it is that big. Apricot pits envy the size of my lump. And I can't get a Mammogram to save my life. (Now that's funny. Sick, twisted, and darkly funny. I may never use that phrase again. Puts things into perspective. "I can't get a Mammogram to save my life" is horrifying and possibly accurate. I can't get a good cup of coffee in this town to safe my life" is just insensitive, shallow, and rather melodramatic.)

Truthfully, I really don't know where to go from here. I am not admitting defeat. But right now, I just don't know what else to do, what rock to go looking under next, who to contact that I have not already, or what happens next.

Damn. There goes the anger and here comes the tears. (I'd ask for a tissue, but I think I would run the risk of being told no for some asinine reason. Like women under the age of 40 don't shed tears, so there is no need for you to waste a tissue on tears that can't possibly be streaming down your face, even though a blind man could reach over and confirm that yes, indeed, your cheeks are unexplainably wet... Horrible run on sentence, I know. But you get the point.) At least I still have my sense of humor... I guess it's not that bad after all...

Know of a good Fish and Chips place?

Does anyone know of a good place to get Fish and Chips in Sunnyvale or Mountain View? (If that is all you read and you post up a comment as to a good place, then I LOVE YOU!) And if the place is not too loud... Then life is grand. If they serve them for lunch, then I am in heaven. And will go there tomorrow.

I have been so buried under all of the BeCAUSE stuff that I have not had hardly a second to post a Blog about anything else. (I have about 50 posts made in the past two weeks for the BeCAUSE Blog, and another 30 sitting in drats to be completed. There just is not enough time. (But I seem to recall there not really ever being enough time to get to everything... We really need to get some Steam Punk kid to get busy on that whole time machine thing, or a machine that slows or freezes time. Or how about a Harry Potter Nutter inventing one of those gizmos that Hermione Granger uses to take all the classes at Hogwarts and then saves the "day"... I'd happily take one of those.

Yesterday was a great day. I had a stuffed mailbox every place I logged into. All the support is so incredible. It makes it well worth all of the long hours I have been spending hunched over the computer pushing myself to just push past it all and do just one more post. Just one more letter. Just one more registration. Just one more thing.

It is a very good thing that I love to do research and that my idea of a killer date is a lunch in the sunshine and a few hours spent in the library pouring over old dusty books. (Of course it is too cold for lunch in the sunshine, but there is always lunch in front of the window... And I am not being taken on dates to the library, I am escaping the laptop by going to the bookstore tot get books on programming, websites, and filing the proper forms with the right people... But really, it is still good. At least I think it's good. I'll just keep telling myself that and then it will ALL be good.)

And to top it off, I am having cravings... I got a text about dead fish and all I could think of was "FISH AND CHIPS!!!"... I thought I lost that craving, but guess not. I am supposed to be on a "diet" to get off the 10 pounds I let sneak back on... But now all I can think of is fish and chips...

Does anyone know of a good place to get Fish and Chips in Sunnyvale or Mountain View?

What I am Thankful for...

Here it is... What it is that I am Thankful for... A little late this year, but things just have not been "of the usual" for the past couple of weeks...

It is one of those times, that time stands still, and there is no comprehension that a moment flashes past in an instant and so does an hour or ten. It is this drive and passion that courses through my veins and fills me like nothing else, and yet leaves me emptier than ever before. This thing that I have let into my life, my world, my heart... This cause, this need, this space of where I am suspended... It is where I was meant to be.

Have you ever felt like you were meant to meet someone, or hear something at just the right moment, or do something, or be something, or anything along those lines? If you have then you know what I mean when I say that is how I am feeling right now. (And I feel awed and blown away and thankful.)

Have you ever felt like you have spent your life in training? That all of the choices that you made, the things that could be called mistakes were all important lessons to get you to where you are right now? And that where you are right now is going to be important to where you will be in a hundred tomorrows? Or a thousand? Have you felt that all the learning that you have done is just to help prepare you for the next thing, the next level, the next stage, and then the next one after that? If you have, then you understand how I have been feeling for sometime. (And I feel the progression of things and the evolution of life and I embrace the changes. And I am thankful for that.)

I have felt the pressure and the drive and the heat and fire of life. And lately, I have felt as if there is not enough time, as if it is slipping away too quickly and tomorrow is already spent. But I do not feel wasteful or regretful. (And I very, very thankful for that.)

And with everything that has gone on over the past year, and all of the changes and all of the trials and all of the adventures and new ventures, I have felt loved and supported as never before. (More than anything, I am thankful for that.)

And now... Wrapped up in the fluffiest lap blanket know to man, curled up in The Boyfriend's recliner, with my feet propped up and the laptop sitting on my legs increasing the warmth of the blanket, I am going to return to my research and writing... I am feeling decadent here... I have imported cookies from Germany, the best I have ever had in my life. Fabulous leftover Chinese takeout sitting on the table next to me, and piping hot honey-water percolating in the brewer pretending to be tea... It is a strange mix this being a productive bum thing.

It is almost as great as the new dog I discovered. (As in new to me... Turns out that my Mom in New York had one of these as a kid, and that is the very same kind of dog that I fell in love with through all of her stories... Who knew?) A dog that is smart, fluffy, soft, playful, full of energy, easy to train, good with children, big but thinks it's a lapdog, obedient, and HYPO-ALLERGENIC!!! It is my dream of dogs. I have my heart set on a female one now... But who knew such things existed?

What's that commercial about strange combinations?
Whatever it is... It's like that...
And you can bet I am beyond thankful for that!)

The smell of turkey is in the air...

And so is curry and garlic and something that I just can't place my finger on it. But whatever it is, it is good and it is making me hungry already.

That is the nice part about Thanksgiving here. I think that there may be only one or two apartments that may be cooking a traditional turkey today. The smells wafting in the window from around the courtyard are an eclectic melting pot of tastes, flavors, and cultures. It is like a melting pot turkey... And I don't mean the deep fried kind.

The Indians have been bustling about all morning, coming and going in their beautiful flowing silks and saris. There are folding chairs on some of the porches that are just waiting to be brought inside when the rest of their families arrive.

The Chinese family directly across from The Boyfriend's has been chasing their cuter than possible daughters back inside for a couple of hours now. They are in the frilliest, puffiest dresses with jeans on underneath. I just love that.

The Russians next door have been banging about in their kitchen since six this morning. Every time she chops vegetables it sound like she is knocking to be let in. Something that we have laughed about over many an evening. But today, she chops like she really means business. Oh, and I think she is expecting a tiny Russian soon... Like in about three or four months... I am not sure and the language barrier is a rather large one at this point, but it sure looks like it. I'll wait another month or two and then see...

The Latinos a floor below and a few doors down keep yelling with excitement and clapping their hands... I'm not sure at what, it's a little early for the game... Perhaps the Macy's Parade is really good this year. But without real TV, I am at a loss to actually see for myself.

Yes... This is where you tell me that I am more than a little like Mrs. Kravitz on the old TV show; Bewitched. And perhaps you might be right. But I might also have to point out that the elderly Asian woman that keeps stepping out to sweep her pristine front porch that I am quite positive has not had a speck of dust on it since she moved in, is much more fitting to that claim. Young Kravitz in training is more accurate.

I know the names of most all of the children that live in the apartments that share this little courtyard. (And that is no small feat. There are a couple dozen of them, most under the age of six or seven.) I can tell which families like to entertain. (The Indian families near the front and the Latino family near the laundry room.) Which like to keep to themselves... (The neighbor directly beneath us. And thank goodness for that. Ever since we broke The Boyfriends bed I have been mortified to show my face at whatever they might think. Come to think of it, I've never even seen who lives there. If the blinds didn't twitch as we walk by, I'd swear that the place was vacant.) I know what time of day is best to get the laundry room all to myself. (11am) When the mailman comes (Right after lunch.) And how often the gardeners come. (Which is way too often and way too early by the way...)

And of course with all the lugging of suitcases that The Boyfriend and I do, I can only imagine what the neighbors think of us... (And I am not even going to wonder if they all heard the bed break. I am not... I am not... I am not...)

So today is going to be a somewhat peaceful day for me. Just me and the pizza I am baking this afternoon. I am having a nice glass of Cabernet for company. This may actually be the first Thanksgiving where I put food onto my plate and then EAT it. Sorry, I am just not a big fan of Thanksgiving fare. Though I might just miss the pumpkin pie... Maybe just a little bit... And the olives. The olives that usually keep me from starving each year will be missed. (And if the stores were not going to be so incredibly insane today, I might have the urge to go and get a jar for the sake of nostalgia...)

Yeah... I spoke too soon. The Blogging was interrupted by a phone call from my Father already laying on the guilt trip and claiming that next year we are all going to be having Thanksgiving at his house. He spent what seemed like an eternity harping on the fact that he deserves to have us all over more than the other parents do... And that it is his turn.

Can you see why I am so happy to be here alone eating my homemade deep dish pizza and guzzling down a bottle of wine, while The Boyfriend is doing the family tap dance up in Oregon without me? And to think, my Father is going to be calling me again this afternoon to remind me that I owe him and that The Boyfriend needs to be there too... And to call my brothers and torment them on his behalf... Perhaps I should withhold any partaking of any red beverage that makes great legs upon the glass... I do not need to loosen my tongue upon my parents as they battle it out for the parental right to tear their children in two. I need to just wait until the day passes and then let them know that next year I will be in deep cover somewhere in the amazonian jungle and there is no cell service to be found for miles and miles...

Oh how I hate this holiday... I think I am going to have a glass (or two) of wine after all... (And by after all, I mean as soon as I can figure out how to open the bottle. I was never good at getting that little cork out of the top properly...)

Ahh... Vino... Take me away...
And bring the pizza with you...

Going Wherever my Feet take me...

I am not sure if I have posted this album up yet... But it keeps getting bigger and bigger as time goes on... So I am posting up a slide show of it...

About the Boyfriend...

It seems to come up often about why I refer to the person I am involved with as only the Boyfriend… And it may seem to some to be a little less than what it really is to me. For others, those who have been following my Blog since the beginning, that name caries much weight.

I invite you to go back through my Blogs and follow along my twisted and tangled path to where I am at now… Though I do understand that I am somewhat prolific and that may be daunting, even for those that are avid readers. To that end, I am willing to offer up a much shortened and somewhat censored recap of why…

The last “boyfriend” I had, was almost eight years ago. And I married, and then divorced him. Let us just say, it was not a good choice, and move on. For the years that followed, I swore off commitment. I was adamant that I was not tied to anyone, nor was I willing to consider entertaining the idea of more than what was.

I moved through life grabbing at every lesson and experience I could, as if to make up for all the time I had let slip past me… And along came this friend in the form of smiles that stayed with me long after he had moved far away. Letters in electronic form were the main form of communication, and always the highlight of my day. And still I persisted in not letting anyone get close to me, even when I thought I was…

Time passed and the days moved on… And in some large part, so did I. But I hoarded my small group of closest, Dear Friends to my heart. And then it became apparent that one in particular had my interest of another sort. And more time passed.

One day it wasn’t… Then one day, it was. This Dear Friend, this best of friends, had become something more… Something I swore never again. Something that I so dearly longed for. And he became The Boyfriend. For that is what he is. And it is no small thing. Someday, I may change what I call him. All things in time evolve and change, even the names by which we are referred to… (And he has already had two names within just my Blog…)

You never know what the future may bring…

Sometimes it is the beautiful gift of companionship in the form of a wonderful friend who has the wherewithal to become…

The Boyfriend…

A little duck humor for you today...

I saw this site and it made me laugh... So I am sharing it with you... ('Cause I'm nice that way...) The title made me laugh the most: Duckies from "all waddles of life"... Sometimes we just need the silly in life, you know?

Duckies for the Hippie-Chick in us all... (I can hear you groaning from here...)



Duckies for those that like to party for eight crazy nights, not just one very long day...



Duckies that you will never see hitting the bathwater...



Duckies that are glad it's Turkey Day...



There were so many more... But I think you get the idea... Here is the link if you are interested... The Duckies go for about $2.00 each and seem to be about 2" tall... So they are little duckies... But they ARE cute nevertheless...

http://www.alldressforms.com/costumed-rubber-duckies-ducks-in-costumes.html

It was a beautiful sunrise...

Here is my message for today: Transform. The best expression that I have to explain what I mean is a quote from Pablo Picasso...

"Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun. "

I have also seen it quoted this way:

"There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun."

Either way... I think you get what I am trying to say...

Today is a great day! I woke up with the sun and was ready to conquer the world! (Not to mention that I woke up next to The Boyfriend, and that is always a fantastic way to start the day.)

Last night I felt like I (finally) got something accomplished. (While I am still beating my head against the wall in regards to tests... I am moving forward in other important arenas...) With tons and tons of help from The Boyfriend, and a good deal of imput and explaining from his delightful friend, I took the first truly solid steps towards making my new (ad)venture a reality.

I am now the proud owner of domain names! I even have a web hoster! (Whoot! Whoot!) I have a name (Which I will share once the business and NPO registrations go through...) a logo, and a mantra. I have the outlines of a mission statement. I have a target and a real goal, as well as an outline. You should see my notebook. (And I mean the old-fashioned, spiral bound kind... It is how I brainstorm best...) It is filled on both sides with information and doodles and thoughts and things to do and, and, and... The list goes on and on.

My only complaint is that it is not going along fast enough. I have to keep telling myself that it has only been SIX days. tomorrow it will be SEVEN, as in a WEEK. What can one person do in a week? (The answer is everything and nothing. A lot, but not enough. Too little, but still something.)

So there you go. This is me. Taking on this piece of the world. It makes me excited to think that I am really doing this. Even if I fail, I will still succeed. Just one person effected and it is worth it. (But I am an idealist. I have to be right now.)

And that is something else... The Boyfriend says that thinking and hearing about all of this is sad. (Don't get me wrong, he has been incredibly supportive. He came home for lunch yesterday after I posted my Blog and hugged me until I was ready to let go.) It is difficult for him to think about what it all means. For me, I see the horrible reality of it all, but I also see that at least it can be changed. That there are others, just like me, that want to do something, that are doing something, to make a difference. (And I laugh because he calls me the most pessimistic Pollyanna that ever was. I laugh because I worry about all of the things that could go wrong, or may not work, but then I still look at what CAN happen with such rose-colored glasses... And let me tell you, it makes the sunrises SOOOOOOOO beautiful! And yes, I saw another sunrise today. And yes, I was the good girlfriend and let The Boyfriend sleep blissfully, that is until I noticed a small home invasion in the form of a small spider climbing up the wall near my head. Then I prodded him awake with "get the spider". Which he did, and then rolled back over to sleep until the alarm went off...)

One of those mornings...

I am having one of those mornings. It is something that I am going to have to harness. Turn it from a morning to a moment. I need to develop a thicker skin.

I just got off the phone with someone from the "Every Woman Counts" program. And it is not true. Every Woman DOES NOT Count. Only those over the age of 40. The program is not available to those under the age of 40. Like Cancer waits for a specific date on the calendar... (Yeah, I wish... Then I could schedule it in somewhere between having my not-yet-conceived children grow into maturity and death. That would work for me. Or how about two weeks before my 94th birthday instead?)

Grrr...

I was given the number for the American Breast Cancer Foundation. That was at the top of my list to call at 9am today. But I was forewarned that the American Breast Cancer Foundation is not accepting any new clients at this time. Clients? It turns out that recipients and patients are referred to as "clients". There is a waiting list, though it is long. I can add my name to that if I like. Why is there a waiting list? Why no new "clients"? Because there are no funds at this time. The Foundation is out of money.

Ohhh...

I took a moment when I hung up the phone to look at the new Lucky magazine. It is my favorite thing in the world. It used to bring me so much pleasure to follow the trends and see what the pretties are and to follow the prices. But this morning all I saw was a Re'Vive Weekly Treatment Facial Mask that is selling for $190.00. The only thought that passed through my head was $190.00 for facial cream. If you bought the $20.00 facial cream, you would have enough left over to make a difference in one of a million different ways. And then I thought that I must really be down to confuse a facial mask with facial cream... And then I just stopped caring. About the contents of the magazine that is...

I have been spending these past days since my initial breast cancer post doing a ton of research. As if a fire has been lit under my feet and I can't slow down for fear of the pain if I fail. I have made steps towards doing some great things. I am starting a Foundation as well as an Action Organization/Coalition for those who follow. I have tortured my brother, The Boyfriend, and The Boyfriend's out-of-town guest with my obsession and upset rants. (Upset is different than angry. And I have been upset. I think I may do better to get angry though. At least for a while.)

I have been up to my eyeballs in looking for my own needs, and drowning (by choice as well as the deep feeling of necessity) in the mass of information that is not pertinent to my cause. (Though last night and this morning, I have made some important discoveries that affect the Activist and Legislative end.)

It saddens me to think that things are the way that they are. That I find out horrible facts and can no longer bury my head in the sand in blissful ignorance. Yet one more layer of innocence is being stripped away. And it hurts. (But at this rate, I might actually BECOME one of those wise old women and truly be able to claim the wise part.)

What I fear is driving away my friends with this obsession to make changes and to amend a horrible over-site. I worry that I will become one of those dull individuals that has nothing left to say about anything outside of my cause. I don't want this to be my entire life. I just want this to be something important that I was meant to do with my life. And there is a difference. But right now, this CONSUMES me. I don't know which will kill me first, the cancer, or the cause. Neither. But it feels that way.

Breathe...

Well... Off to more calls. More research. More dead ends. More exciting discoveries. More information. And hopefully, one more step forward.

Heard at Home...

Do you recall my post about The Boyfriend and I committing "Tree"? Well we did. At least we tried...

We picked out the tree and took it home. We planted it in the little pot as the directions said. We watered it and gave it sun. We even named it. And while The Boyfriend may SAY that it was my doing that the tree was named, the conversation was something more like this:

She said: I have been thinking about what we might want to call our tree...

He said: Really?

She said: Yeah... Something like Forrest... As in you can't see the Forest for the Tree... Or maybe Lief, you know for leaf...

He said: (Groan) Well... I was thinking maybe Doug. "cause it's likely a Douglas Fir... That's what they usually are in these tree kits...

She said: I love it! Douglas...

He said: Dougie...

She said: Doug... Perfect! You're awesome, I love you!

So a few nights ago, we were laying in bed and whispering under the covers... (We have company, so things have been a bit hectic and out moments together almost feel stolen and definitely feel way to short...) Anyway, we were talking about this and that and I brought up something that had been weighing on me all afternoon... Doug. Or rather, the lack of any sight of our little Doug.

She said: Babe, I think we may need to get another tree...

He said: We might...

She said: There is no sight of Doug at all... There should be something by now... He might not be sprouting...

He said: You mean we are Doug-less?

After than we giggled like the pair of maniacs that we are... Until my sides hurt and I could barely breathe... We tried to keep it down... (Yeah right, Doug-less, Douglas... I am sure hyenas would have been quieter...) I can only imagine what our house-guest was thinking... (On second thought, I really don't want to know...)

Happy Almost Birthday to ME!

So I decided that today, rather than tomorrow, is going to be my birthday...

I just woke up in a mood to celebrate...

The sun is shining... The weather is nice and warm... It is just glorious here...

So today is going to be my birthday... At least for me... The rest of the world can call tomorrow and my Mother can make me cry with sweet stories of how happy she was when I was born... But today I am going to celebrate (party, rejoice, do the silly happy dance that for one moment the world is all mine to seize...)

And really, who would argue with a woman who is claiming to be older than she really is... And it sort of makes up for last year, when I decided that I was postponing my birthday by a day...

So...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME...
HAPPY BIRTH-DAY to ME-EEEE...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME...