I have a dear friend that I call jokingly "the kid" because he is younger than I am by a handful of years... But for someone so young, he can be rather insightful... While going through all of the aftermath with the Boyfriend from the disastrous? unsuccessful?) visit with his parents, I confided the events to my friend... One of the things that he pointed out at the time, was that perhaps the Boyfriend's Mother's desires had become expectations...
At the time it was said, and in reference to what it was regarding, I had a small "ah-ha" and filed it away as a possibility because I would never really know what the reality was...
And then...
The other day I was speaking to the Boyfriend... It was late, I was tired, but some words has been said that hurt me earlier, so I really wanted to have the longest conversation possible before crashing out... With all of the stress and rush that has filled my life for the past several weeks, I was not fully thinking things through before the words were leaving my lips... And I responded poorly to something that the Boyfriend had said. (Sadly, poorly is an understatement... In reality, I did not just put my foot in my mouth, I swallowed my whole leg... I still feel terribly about the whole thing...)
I grouped those of his acquaintance, with those of mine... Which was a very unfair thing to do... I assumed that his current choice in friends would be like my past choices in friends... It is sort of like assuming that the Boyfriend would cheat on me because every other past boyfriend had... But I forget that not everyone is like that sometimes... I tend to guard against the "bad" and prefer to be happily surprised if someone acts differently... Of course that adage about people living up to expectations tends to be rather true...
I had the expectation that everyone would be the same, even when in reality, I know that they are not. And I have met a handful of the Boyfriend's friends, and they are wonderful in reality... It is not they who are lacking in some way, it is I who is lacking in faith and trust...
The part that I have been trying not to admit to myself for the past couple of days, is that I was also disappointed by my own desires that had become expectations... I was waiting for something. Something particular. And had placed a lot of importance on this thing... Even though I already have had proof time and again, I was waiting for this one thing... As if that one thing would somehow make everything inside my head rest. I desired the acknowledgement of status, of permanence... And I was expecting it in the written form on a public forum... (And I am still struggling with the reasons of why... Why it was so important... Why it was the way that I had set up as a measure for crossing something off my list of "What I Want in a Significant Other"... Why I was so disappointed when in reality, I already have, and continue to receive proof of what the reality is... Why I doubt his desire for, and permanence of this incredible relationship that I have with the most amazing person I have ever known... This last one is really the most important and disturbing thing I have to sort out in my head...)
But of course...
The Boyfriend had no idea of any of this... And is likely going to be learning of it along with the rest of you reading my words... It seems that I am best in print... I struggle to hear on the phone, and all of my effort goes into trying to decipher the words that I loose so much... And with the Boyfriend, I tend to get lost in the sound of his voice... It ends up being an exchange of emotions than the depth of verbal communication... I knew in moments that something was terribly wrong the other night when I swallowed my leg... Just the way he breathes tells so much... I FEEL his words more than I HEAR them... And then I have to struggle with my brain to figure it all out... And it is in those moments that I get so... ANGRY... at what I have become... (And Sammy, I think I really could use to hear what you said about anger again... I need for it to sink in and it got all jumbled up in my ears...)
And perhaps...
That is really what this is all about in the end... We are each of us the center of our universe... And we have a great deal of control over what happens within it... Sometimes I can hear my Mother's voice telling me that we ASK for our lives... What goes in and out of them, what happens to us, even those we meet... We ask for it all and we are responsible for what we manifest... I can hear all the rest of it too... That we have to live consciously because we will attract things to us, both the good and the bad... (I laugh when I hear others speak of books like the Four Agreements and movies like the Secret as if they were some great new thing... I have been taught those things since I was very little and none of it is new to me... Though you would think by now I would have gained a little more serenity with it all... I must have missed that lesson Mom... I must have been too concerned with impressing some guy or caught up in the importance of the outcome of some competition I was involved in...)
So here I am in my safe little center of my created world and I have that feeling that I am on the verge... The verge of something HUGE... The next step... The next phase... The next lesson...
And I am scared...
And before you say not to be scared, please know that I am really fine with that. The being scared merely indicates the significance of the thing... (At least for me...) It is what says... PAY ATTENTION... It is when I am not scared and I am not paying attention that I get a case of the "Universal Bumps"... And I don't like those at all...
(My Mother has a great story that she likes to tell me that illustrates this perfectly... I am not even sure if it is true or not, but the message is great either way...)
She says:
When I was little and still in my crib I would wake up early and call out to her to come and get me... She was tired and was hoping for a little more rest so she would let me stay in the crib as long as possible.
I would start out softly, calling out "Mommy... Mommy..." Almost as if I were entertaining myself with her name.
"Mommy... Mommy..."
Then it would get a little louder... Time would tick by, and my calls would get a little more insistent...
"Mom-MY... Mom-MY..."
More time would pass and I would get more demanding...
"MOM-my... MOM-my..."
With a little more time, I would decide I had waited long enough and would scream out as loudly as my little voice could get...
"MOM-MY!!! MOM-MY!!!"
It was then that she knew it was time to get up, that there was no putting off the day any longer...
(Life is sort of like that I have found... It presents the information, the lesson if you will, and if you are aware of things, then you get it. Then it gets a little stronger and more obvious. If you are smart, then you get it. Then life becomes more insistent and straightforward. If you are not too wrapped up in other things or absorbed, then you get it. It is when you continue to ignore the signs of life that things get huge. And if you are like me, then you get it. I hate getting it that way. It is one of the things that I have been working on...)
So...
I am still stuck in my thoughts... And as you can tell, they are rather jumbled... (Not enough sleeping is going on at the moment to let my subconscious figure it out while I "sleep on it"...)But... There it is, what I have so far at least.
There are those that would say that life is not a test. And others who would say that everything in life is a test. I think they both have merit. You only will do as well as you can do, but that each thing has some sort of weighted measure of importance.
Trust and faith...
Two things I have very little of... I have learned that to withhold love for the fear of losing it or getting hurt is a sad thing. Perhaps faith is the same way... It seems that it must be given freely, without expectations, just as love must be. That you are less without it, than if you had it and lost it... Trust I think, must be earned, like respect... But the question then becomes, how much is earned, and how much is earned to the point that then you must just rely on faith in the end after all?
How much trust is earned?
How much can you test another person?
How much can you demand of yourself?
How much so you need to sip before you slake your thirst?
How much liquid odes it take to make a half empty glass become half full?
How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
How many questions can I ask in a lifetime?
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