Yes... You can have your cake AND eat it too...

Dear Friends;

Life is all a matter of perspectives and timing… I have been moved up and down the scale of emotions this past week. And really what it all comes down to is this: If I feel something, I own that emotion. If I think something, that thought belongs in my head because I gave it the space to stay there. If others affect me, it is because I allow them to do so. And the most important one for me this week, if I am unhappy it is because I am choosing to be so. If I am angry, it is because I have decided that I am going to carry around the rock of ugly emotions, tethering it to myself until I cannot longer bear the hated weight of it and cast it off of me. If I am filled with joy, it is because I am surrounded by countless beautiful things that I am opening my eyes to see and my heart to behold. What it all comes down to is choice. Conscious or unconscious, we make them every day.

This past weekend, I started out scared, because I am afraid of the unknown. But everything reveals itself in time and I am not one to run away in fear. I then was hurt; my comprehension of the situation was momentarily devastating. I so long to see the beauty in all things, in all people, that when I am exposed to the other sides, I am grieved and hurt. I carried my pain up to my room and sat on the floor and cried transient tears. And then the moment passed. I am surrounded by wonderful Angels. They are friends and family and total strangers who embrace me in my moments of need.

(The poetry of the Angel, who spent half an hour explaining what a good marriage and relationship is about, while I was facing my own lost love for the first time, is not lost on me. Flexibility, adaptability, responsibility, trustability, and dependability… And the curiosity of the next morning when I was strong enough to stand alone, this same unknown Angel passed by me as if he had never spoken to me or seen me before… Like I said, I am blessed.)

A few words from my Mother, and I was able to accept that I have a great pain at this loss of love, but in the end, only time will soften the sharpness of it. Fading it until one day it is surprisingly gone. And it is not that she said anything so simple as that. My Mother, in her infinite wisdom, pointed out that he is likely hurting too. It was that reminder that he is only human, that allowed me the grace to hold my head up and let things go.

For you see, my Dear Friends, it was not the facing of this lost love that was so painful, it was discovering that he was choosing to do everything that he could think of to hurt me. From start to finish, it seemed as if it was his desire to reach out and cause as much pain as possible. From his actions to his words, everything pointed to that, again and again. And that was not something I had expected. So I cried out my frustrations and then accepted the pain. I chose to carry it. I own it for what it was, and could have been, and never will be. But in spite of the pain, the end result is that I love ME more. I love me more than I love anyone else and as such, was able to understand that in the end, that is all we really have. The love of self. Everything else is a gift that cannot be asked for, or demanded. It is freely given as the giver sees fit. But the love of self is endless and boundless and limitless. It washes over everything and leaves behind it a serenity unlike anything else in existence. It simply IS.

And so that was how my roommates discovered me when they re-entered the room. And it is an understatement to say that they were awed by the transformation that had occurred in such short time. Sometimes awareness is all that is needed for the transformation of self. Sometimes it is the indulgences in the little pleasures. I took the time I needed for me. I had enjoyed the heat of the hot tub, I had bathed in scented soap, I had brushed my hair until it glistened, and was at the stage of selecting an outfit to adorn my tanned skin. I was feeling a great sense of SELF, and was once again at peace. I was calm knowing that I was surrounded by people who loved me. People who would support me, who would be near to me should I need them. Those that could see that even though I was strong enough to move forward, I still needed the help of my Angles to move into the beyond.

And that was how the night progressed. I was granted breath of reassurance from my Angles. And I moved in grace. I laughed, and smiled and enjoyed the company of countless people whom I have missed. I made new friends. And I was able to step back and make the same assessments of those that would lash out in their pain. I looked through them and into them and saw their weaknesses. And then I embraced them from afar as being only as I was, imperfect and fragile, human and hurting.

It is still sad to me that so many people are so busy pointing the fingers at others that they do not point it also at themselves. I admit that everything that Galahad had pointed out to me was correct. I had, and still have, much work to do on the path I walk upon in life. But so does he. And he does not think it to be so. So he runs in fear and slams doors that were opened with love and then cries in protest that others are the cause of his pain. It is he who has shackled himself to his pain. Just as we all are responsible for our actions, words, emotions and thoughts, so is he. So am I.

(And while the last little bit of me that is angry for the deliberate bad behaviors delivered by the hands of those whose intentions it was to cause and inflame ill feelings, would still like to jump up on my soapbox and shout out into the deafening masses that it is their choice to be as they are, and if they are not happy then they should do something about it… That they are choosing misery… I really do know that you cannot teach those that are not willing to learn, nor push things upon those that do not desire it, or make time flow faster than it does. I now comprehend what blue truly is. But before, when life was all in shades of gray, I only understood that there was indeed such color. But I did not grasp the nature of it… So that too, I must let go. The dawning of the clearest sky only happens in its own time and place. No weatherman can alter that, they can only point to the heavens and hope that others will look upward and see.)

There was much more to this, longest of weekends, but the rest is of a different nature. Different discoveries, new doors and pathways, great beauty of acceptance and love. So I share those happenings separately, for that is how they were, separate.