Inner-Musings and Mis-Adventures: Circle... Circle... Circle...

Disclaimer

This blog is an on-going work in progress, just like its creator. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the not-so-innocent. The events portrayed are as true and accurate as my perspective and memory allows, and are subject to change without further notice in the future. You will not find any Pay Per Post on my blog... No advertising. No peddling of anything other than my personal thoughts, opinions, and experiences... If you are reading my words it is because you are choosing to share a birds-eye view into my playground, not because I am pounding down your door asking to come in out the elements uninvited. With all of that out of the way, I really am glad you are here…

Monday, February 4, 2008

Circle... Circle... Circle...

I am sitting here wondering if I can go through with this... This most wonderful of proposals to the most wonderful of men... (I say most wonderful of proposals because it is my first time proposing to someone... Most wonderful of men, because he is...)

I am about twenty hours or so away from completing my project... The project of my proposal... Before I ship it off for the final phase and wait for it to be delivered back to my overly anxious hands... But really... In the grand scheme of things... It's not that far off anymore. (Not when you think of how many hundreds of hours that have gone into this thing, how many hundreds of thousands of hours that I hope to spend with this most wonderful man...)

And I am wondering if I can do this... As in right now... Not knowing if I am sitting with a ticking time bomb in my chest or not... And finding out is going to be taking a lot longer than I thought. (I was really, really hoping on having this all done with before our vacation... But Now I start all over with another breast surgeon in the middle of March... And who knows what hoops I will have to jump through then...)

And I ask the question if it is fair to ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you, when you have no idea how long that will be. (And I am angry.) And I ask if it is right to ask someone to choose being with you if you know that the possibility of what you foresee in the future together may not really happen because of the very real possibility of... Of the unspeakable... (And I am angry and hurt... And feeling more than a little guilty.)

And then I ask if I would say yes if things were reversed. (And I would. Without hesitation.) And then I think it must be unfair of me to think these things and to be so selfish... (And I get angry all over again.) If he and I are really an "us", then who am I to think that I should make this decision all alone? Would I not be more than upset and hurt if this was all turned around? (And I would be... And then I feel ashamed...)

And then I wonder if I am just being selfish... For twisting things about to be how it is that I want them to be... (And I doubt myself and my thoughts even more than before...)

It is a vicious cycle... It is more than I bargained for... (But then, so is this wonderful man... He is so much more than anything I could have ever bargained for... And who bargains when it comes to love anyway? Who DOES that?)

And then I think I have only twenty or so more hours until I am done with this project... (And I get all puffed up and proud and excited like a child giving a gift to someone they totally adore...) And I just want this to HAPPEN...

The Boyfriend calls this "Circling"... Like a dog that spins round and round on the cushion before settling down to nap... And he is right... I do this...

Circle...
Circle...
Circle...
(sigh)
Circle...
Circle...
(wait, someone moved the cushion)
Circle...
Circle...
Circle...
Circle...
(sigh)
Circle...

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What I Love

A grand sense of adventure, A resonant voice, Action movies, Adrenaline rushes, Ahi- seared, Airports, Al Samoud, Amodicoms, Answers, Artisans, Artwork of women, Asian bakery, Baby greens, Barely there touches that cause goose bumps, Beautifully wrapped gifts, Being able to press pause, Being Aunt LaLa, Being escorted anywhere, Being friendly to strangers, Being held in someone’s arms, Being on the honor roll, Being on the same wavelength, Being swept off my feet, Being the playground, Beurre Blanc, Big hearts, Big hugs from tiny children, Big smiles, Big sunglasses, Black and white TV shows, Board games, Body glitter, Bracelets, Brunch, Bubble baths, Burning the candle at both ends, Cabernet, Cable cars, Café au lait Boston style, Camping, Capers, Card games, Carpet picnics, Catnaps, Change, Chateau Briand, Cheeky briefs, Chef coats with French knot buttons, Chenille blankets, Children’s books, Chocolate anything, Chopsticks for my hair, CK perfume, Cloven follies, Communication, Compassion, Competitive cooking, Connecting the dots, Constant contact, Costumes, Cowboy hats, Cowry shell and lapis jewelry ensembles, Crazy socks, Crossing things off my list, Cuddling, Curiosity, Daily horoscopes read the day after, Dancing in the living room with the lights down low, Dancing in the rain, Dancing with a partner, Desire, Devotion, Dim sum, Dining al fresco, Dinner parties, Down comforters, Drive in movies, Eggplant Parmesan, Empathy, Endless possibilities, Eskimo kisses, Exchanging knowing looks and evil grins, Eye opening experiences, Eyes that sparkle, Family, Feeding ducks, Feeling alive, Feeling truly loved, Firemen, Fires for warmth, Flirting, Flora, Flowing skirts, Fluffy slippers, Flying, Football- playing and watching, French manicures, Friendships that withstand the test of time, Full body stretching, Full moons, Fur rugs, Getting all dressed up, Getting in and out of crazy escapades a la Lucy, Giving and receiving pleasure, Gratification, Green and yellow M&M’s, Green grass, Grilled cheese sandwiches, Growth, Halibut, Hats, Having Barbie hair, Having my buttons pushed in all the right ways, Having pictures taken, Henna tattoos, High heels, History, Holding hands, Holidays, Honesty, Honey wheat bread, Hot tea anytime, Houseplants, Huge family parties, Hugging, Hugs that lift you off the ground, Ice cream, Illuminating, Inside jokes, Intensity, Inter- mezzos, Introspection, Jazz, Jewelry, Joy, Kiddy pools, Kindness, Kindred spirits, Kisses that take your breath away, Kissing, Knee socks, Large handled coffee mugs, Late night calls, Late night conversation, Laughter, Learning, Lemon vinaigrette, Lingering looks, Live productions, Living a legendary life, Long conversations, Long letters, Long nightgowns, Long walks to nowhere, Long wool coats, Long-standing friendships, Loving myself, Mahjong, Making new friends, Making out on the ramparts of castles, Massages, Matching luggage, Meeting of the minds, Men in suits and ties, Men who love girly- girls, Mending fences, Mental expansion, Mental inertia, Mexican pastry, Milkshakes with my brother, Min Mai hair buns, Mineral make up, Monterey jack cheese, Mushrooms, Naming plants- cars and other objects, Not answering the phone, Oatmeal raisin cookies, Old black and white movies, Open minds, Organized drawers- closets and boxes, Passion, Pasta, Pedicures, Pen pals, People who hold open doors, Perpetual motion, Pineapple, Pink grapefruit juice, Playa wear, Playing dress up, Playing in the playground after-hours, Playing tourist, Playtime anytime, Please and thank you, Pleasure, Popping shirt buttons, Postcards, Pretty sparkly jewelry, Prophylactics, Provocative thought, Pseudonyms, Punctuality, Puppy breath, Purses and shoes that match, Push up bras, Pushing all the elevator buttons, Quality over quantity, Questing for the unknown, Questions, Quietude, Reading, Reading the book before seeing the movie, Real butter, Real maple syrup, Reggaton, Research, Retro bathing suits, Road trips, Rob Thomas, Roga, Romance, Salsa music, Satin sheets, Scarves, Scented body lotion, Sci-fi flicks, Seeing eye to eye, Self-improvement, Sensuality, Sequined shoes, Sex, Sexy dresses, Shadow dancing, Sharing air, Sharing food from the same plate, Sharp cheddar cheese, Sherpa boots, Shopping in my closet, Shopping trips with my Dad, Silky bathrobes, Sincerity, Singing in the car, Sitting in the front seat, Sitting on the kitchen counter, Sitting on the same side of the table, Skeleton trees, Sleeping in someone’s arms, Slip n slide, Small plate adventure meals, Smell of old books, Snow globes, Soft skin, Soundtracks to live by, Sparkly anything, Special play clothes, Spraying whipped cream straight from the can into open mouths, Steak- medium rare, Stealing glances, Sting, Stopping traffic, Straight shoulders, Strawberries, Strawberry preserves, Summer squash, Sundays spent in bed, Sunrise, Sushi, Sweater weather, Tall trees, Tanning beds, Telling my Mothers everything, Tempur beds, Text messages, The colors red and pink, The freedom to be silly, The smell of rain, The sound of a beating drum, The sound of a beating heart, Tire swings, Tolerance, Tomatoes, Travel, Treasure hunts, Tribal music, Uncooked- fresh green beans, Valentines, Vanilla malts, Veracity, Walking arm in arm, Walking barefoot in the sand, Water aerobics, Waterslides, Wearing costumes, Wearing his shirt when it smells like him, Wearing pajamas in public, Weekend getaways, White dishes, Winks, Winning medals, Worn in- worn out jeans, Xoxxxox, Yearning, Yoga, Zany adventures, Zeal, Zest for life, 1000 count all cotton bed sheets, A grand sense of adventure…

Inner-Musings and Mis-Adventures

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Monday, February 4, 2008

Circle... Circle... Circle...

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