Wedding Math... What do I do?

So here it is...

My Dad really wants to see me get married. I think almost more than he wants me married. I don't know why, it's not as if I have not been married before. It's not even as if I did not have a huge wedding with all the trimmings before. Even The Boyfriend was married before and did the wedding thing. So none of the parents have been deprived of a wedding... But it seems like this is something that they want. (Though the only one who has voiced an opinion over the thing has been my Dad. And my brother, Aaron. But not anything like my Dad. And not nearly as often.)

So here is the situation...

My brother Nathan, his wife Robin, and their four children have a farm in upstate NY. They cannot leave the farm. Too many animals, it's planing season and so on... Later it will be farm work and then harvesting. If there is any time that they *might* be able to leave, it would be in the dead of winter, and quite frankly, I love my family, but I am not waiting that long.

My 2nd Mother lives in upstate NY as well.

The Boyfriend's parents live on the west coast, but not in CA.

My Mother, Step-Father, Brother, Father, and my Father's girlfriend all live in Southern California.

The Boyfriend and I are in Northern CA.

Everyone has money that they need to be using for other daily life activities. The parents all have car and house payments, the brothers are working hard to make ends meet, and The Boyfriend is doing his best to make a home. (This means scraping together an expensive down payment for an *affordable* house in the Bay Area. I can hear you all laughing over the concept of place affordable and Bay Area together in the same sentence.) Needless to say, I think that the money spent on a wedding would be better spent on other things. I just can't justify it. (I am also not that selfish to ask my family to cough up the money and make them all stress about it and/or feel bad.) Nor can I accept that it is right to have one parent (out of four sets) be the only observers in this event. And then there are the siblings...

All I wanted was to be married on the 12th (of whenever, but not too far off...) and to have some really awesome photos taken so that I can hang them on the wall and have something to show our children. The Boyfriend seems fine with this.

After last night's latest pushing from my Father as to WHEN (we don't know) and that he needs to be there... And then talking to my brother, only to discover that my Father is up to his old tricks of pressure one sibling so that they will pressure the other... (It's not just my Dad, the whole family on that side does it. It's like breathing to us all... Poor Boyfriend...) I am starting to get the message that he is not going to let this drop. And something is going to have to be said. (Which means a yelling and screaming match. That is just how it works.) And I am dreading it.

So I slept on it.

And this is what I came up with. (After tossing and turning being tormented by fits of endless bad dreams and a solid elbow to The Boyfriend's face...) Let my Dad pay for the wedding he wants so badly.

Is this terrible?

I did some quick investigating and this is what I came up with...

There are fewer people to fly out to NY than to CA. Plus the family in NY can't get away, so it all works out there. So assuming that we all fly out there in June, the ballpark cost of airfare is $3700. And then it crossed my mind that people need a place to stay for the approximate five day weekend that this would mean.

I figured that flying out on Wednesday the 11th, wedding on the 12th, dinner party at my 2nd Mom's (Minus 1/2 my family, long story there...) on the 13th, who knows what on the 14th, and flight back on the 15th which is a Sunday. Crammed, but not too crammed.

I figured that The Boyfriend and I would stay with 2nd Mother. My one brother would stay with the other brother at the farm. My Mother and Step-Dad, along with The Boyfriend's parents would be at one motel, while my Dad and his girlfriend would be at another motel. (It's in the middle of nowhere, there are only Motel's) The guestimate cost for this (After a quick on-line look) would be $1800.

I am not counting for food and so on. No cake. No flowers. No photos. (I must have photos of some sort though...) I had picked up my Mother's wedding dress from her while I was home for Christmas. I have some fabric that I was going to use to re-work the length. Bing about 7 inches taller than my Mother, it is a necessary thing. I was going to do the dress thing for the photos that I wanted for the wall...) The total cost of the wedding (So far, I'm not new to this, I do know about hidden and unforeseen costs...) is $5500. So let's just say $6000. OUCH!

All I keep hearing in my head is SIX GRAND??? For a wedding that is not necessary?

Okay. I'll admit it. It would be nice to have it all work out like that. It would be great to include our closest family members in this day. It would be cute to see my brother's four small children playing wedding and tossing flower petals and passing pillows and being cute. If I were to be totally honest, it is exactly what I want. (Okay, I think I may cry here...) But I also have learned that money does not grow on trees, and this is ONE day, or five, but what I really want is countless days in a home of our own.

My cousin married a woman from another country. It was his second wedding, her first. Her family could not make it here for the wedding. So they eloped. We all knew that they would do it. When they told us all, we were thrilled. Then there was a huge family party for them. Nothing fancy, just a typical family party, all 150 of us together eating tons of family cooked food and eating sheet cake. It was wonderful and stress free. Then they went to Prague and had a family party there for her side. This is how I thought it would be with The Boyfriend and I.

But I have to talk to my Father soon. Is it wrong for me to make him this proposition?

And there is another concern. A really important one. The Boyfriend has a lot on his plate right now. And I handed the proposal over to him. And this morning I told him that I was sorry for the added pressure from my family. That I want him to do things that are right for him, and on his own time frame. And I meant it. I would rather never be married than to have The Boyfriend pressured into doing this before he is ready. I want him to think that it is the most wonderful CHOICE in the world, not that he HAD to. So I just don't see how I can speak to my Dad about it until The Boyfriend has decided that he is ready to take that step. It's not that I am making excuses or avoiding a conversation that I don't want to have with my Father, it really would be unfair and unkind to the kindest man I have ever known. I just can't do it. I won't.

So what do I do? (But before that question, is it right for me to make the proposition to my Dad in the first place?)

(Sigh) Life is complicated...