Ohhh baby?

Getting out of bed was difficult today... I just don't want to face what lies before me...

And you'll laugh, well, at least I am laughing over it...

It is the week for appointments... Being a female of a certain age, it seems that I am in and out of the Doctors for one reason or another... A lot... Earlier this week, it was to see the breast surgeon, who is asking for an MRI before he goes in for a biopsy. (He says that he does not want to drive blind and would rather have a map as to where he should biopsy, rather than run the high risk of getting a false negative. And since he found a secondary area that concerns him... Well... Let's just say that I really like this Doctor and appreciate that he does not prefer the quick cut and see method... I'd rather really know what we are facing... We are now waiting, again, to see if I am going to get the tests approved through the program that I am on... Otherwise, it is about $3,000 out of my pocket for the test and biopsies... What was that saying about getting water from a stone? Yup, if I have to, I will make that saying untrue... Somehow...)

Anyway... Todays appointment is of a different sort... And it has me no less dreading to go in... (And this is where it gets funny to me...) I am going in for my yearly female physical. And for the first time since I was 17, I am asking to be taken off of the pill. (Yup. True terror runs through my veins at this thought...)

When I was very little, my Mother sat me down and explained the facts of life to me. To the extent that I was disgusted at the things that the female body did and vowed that I would be different. (I was about 6...) Needless to say, I did not have that sort of magical control over my body, and it has become just like every other female's on the face of the planet... Fully functional. (Can you hear the kid in me still going Ewwwww? It is...) There were some really good side effects from my reaction to the biological... Like my addiction to prophylactics... (Safety is good... Avoiding the horrors of drainage is great...) Of course it has lead to the silly as well... More than one person has said in surprise: "What do you mean that you can't pee if I'm in the room?"... Yup... But those are just the little idiosyncrasies that I have, like everyone else...

When I was 17, there were some medical issues that came into light... And I had to face the possibilities that most women do not face (according to statistics anyway...) until they are 40 years old. I had it all worked out. I was never going to get pregnant. ever. Why would I want a... thing... growing inside of me? Making my body go through all of that and then having it worse off than it was before? No thanks. Count me out. Besides, there are so many beautiful babies from China that need adopting... And from that point on, I have always envisioned that one day, in the far off future, I would have a dark haired, Asian eyed, chubby cheeked little girl to call my own...

And then my Mother had to go and be right... (Yes Mom, I am putting it here, in my Blog, for all of the world to see... You were right.) I decided not too long ago that having a child of my own biological (how I still hate that word...) making would be a good thing. (Can you smell the smoke from the screeching of the brakes in my brain? The fumes are rolling out of my ears... They have been for about 6 months now...)

It's enough for me to want to put up Missing posters with my face on the front... WHO is this woman? And what have I done with myself???

So this morning, getting out of bed was difficult. Hey, I can take pre-natal vitamins... They are only vitamins and that is just being healthy, even if nothing comes from it... (And yes, I do know that one must actually have SEX to get pregnant, not take pre-natal vitamins...) But the act of going in and asking to stop the pill... (The pill that all but saved me more than once from what seemed like endless days of cramps, bleeding and PMS... Not to mention saved me when my hormones when into overdrive and I felt like I was a 15 year old boy in the middle of the hottest Sorority House... And for those of you who have been reading my Blog for a long time, you will remember those countless Blogs wondering if the sex drive in over-drive would ever return to something more manageable... Thank you to the mini pill and it's balancing effects on my body...) But going in there and giving up my security blanket... Can you just hear the ice cracking?

My Dear Friend suggested to me the diaphragm... A wondrous thought... Then I can still sort of have a say as to when this whole pregnancy thing gets under way... But the idea of doing that to my body still sort of scares me... (Alright, it really scares me...)

There are times when I wish that I was a man. They are few and far between, but THIS is one of those times...

Let him have it... The cramps and the bleeding, the bloating, the nipples so sensitive that he cries if I look at them. Let him be the one to deal with the after messes of sex, the wacky body temperatures, the hormonal changes. Let him go through the expanding of body, the softening of bones, worrying about the balance of nutrition and weight gain. Let him go through breast feeding and never sleeping more than a few minutes or hours at a go... Let him have to get the baby weight off, and have to look in a mirror at a body that will never be the same pretty body that it was.

(And yes, at 34, I have gained weight and lost weight, but my body has remained girlish... And I know that will change...)

Let him have to go shopping and spend money he does not have on clothes and shoes because he won't be able to wear what he has in his closet... Let him go through all of that and whatever else nature throws at women who become pregnant...

Let him do all of that... I'll be supportive and run to the store for cravings and rub his swollen feet. I'll tell him he is beautiful and that what he is doing is miraculous... I'll drive to the hospital and stay by his side when the delivery comes... And I'll even be encouraging when he is ready to loose the weight.

I want to have a child. I even want to have a baby. But the thought of going through all of that to have one... Leaves me wanting to stay in bed all day and miss my appointment. And somewhere deep inside of me, I know that he and I are in the right place to do this. that we have enough to offer to another being. We have the awareness of the responsibility and devotion that having a child requires. And I do want this, it's not a passing thing or a whim. (Not to mention that every time I so much as hear, or smell, let alone SEE this man, all I want to do is procreate... Hey at least this one time biological functions are not having a silly-girly effect on me... Or maybe it is that they still are...)

Perhaps, we will just get to a point where it will just "happen" and then that will be it. (I would say it would be great to go out and get smashed and wake up in that condition, but I have pretty much given up alcohol... And the more time that passes, the less and less I will be drinking... Sort of like giving up sugar... Now THAT one is hard...) But there is something to be said for getting caught up in the moment... Passion and not thinking of things like 10 months of torture... I don't know... Perhaps what I wonder is if I am the only one... I mean, with so many people on the planet, and so many of them women... I can't possibly be alone in my wishing for the miracle of the stork being a reality...

Yup... I wish for the Stork... And the Easter Bunny... And Santa Claus... And the Tooth Fairy... And that Chocolate did not have calories or caffeine... Yup... I want to visit the land of blissful (and admittedly childish) simplicity for just a little while... Say for about as long as it takes for me to conceive... That would be good... A nice vacation... Oh yeah... We leave in a few weeks... It's called Hawaii... Yea! There IS a Fantasy Island! And we have already booked the tickets... Life is wonderful...



Ps. to The Boyfriend: This does not mean that I am thinking of rushing the schedule... I thought about what I wrote and figured that it may sound that way... Only that islands of bliss and fantasy await us... Yup, I'm a nut over this, and you still love me for it... I know...