Inner-Musings and Mis-Adventures

Advice from my Sister-in-law...

2008-06-27T13:22:00.001-07:00

I called my brother this morning... With the time difference, it was lunchtime on the farm. Everyone was inside and clamoring for food and drinks, juice and sippy cups, and and and... But I got to have a great conversation with my brother. We spoke for almost thirty minutes before he passed the phone off to my sister-in-law.

And this is what I took away from the conversation, even though as Mommy to four and one on the way, she has only a few minutes to spare as she is powering through the lunchtime rush...

1.) When I asked when the exhaustion would end... She laughed and said in about 18 or 20 years... she said to just push through as best as I can and get things done.

2.) When I told her about not being able to handle the smell of meat... she said I was just going to have to get over it at some point, since with the next one I would still have to cook the meals and feed them anyway.

And we talked about other practical things like little kids and spilling on floors and cleaning hard wood versus pergo or tile... And so I have lots of food for thought about putting reclaimed wood in the kitchen and entryway... Might give more consideration to the tile that will be in the bathrooms after all...

You know the woman truly is incredible when she can juggle four little ones, feed a hungry farmer, and still impart great wisdom and needed advice in under five minutes. Seriously, she is the best and I am very, VERY, lucky to have her in my life... (Even when it is only five minutes at a time...)

Note: That is my youngest niece *helping* in the kitchen... (Yet another example of how awesome my sister-in-law is...)

Color me Happy...

2008-06-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

Okay... I know that we are moving to Pleasantville... But it cracks me up to no end to see that our house could have come right off the set of Swingtown...

Seriously...1951 meets 1975 and toss in a bunch of 200 year old oak trees and you have our house.

Yesterday we signed our lives away... Well... the next thirty years of our lives... And I have never been happier to be connected to another person. And by such a beautiful house that we will be able to make into our very first HOME together. Yup. THRILLING!!!!

The afternoon was spent washing walls at the apartment with breaks spent buried in mountains of paint chips. It is difficult to pick which way to go. Soft and spa-like, bold and graphic, or bright and colorful. The only thing that I am sure of, is that when I am done, it will look like it is ready to be gracing the pages of House Beautiful.

And so that you all can see just how close our new house does look like Swingtown, I am including this quickie clip from the behind the scenes of the show. Enjoy!

Hmmm...

2008-06-19T16:46:00.001-07:00

Your Inner Color is Green

Your Personality: You are a high acheiver who is very competitive. You're bound to reach your goals, no matter how lofty.

You in Love: Picky with high standards, it's hard to find your match. You need someone as driven as you are!

Your Career: You need a high profile, challenging career to satisfy you. Consider finance, sales, or running your own company.

What's Your Inner Color?

How did you rate?

2008-06-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Superior

Take the test!

My sister-in-law got 100%... Of course. But she is super-woman...

(Though, I laughed when I read the question about placing cold feet on husband... Who doesn't do that? I am sure that is where I got mostly marked down... That, and I do not yet have children I can fairly solve squabbles for...)

They even have the test for husbands...

So...

How did you score?

Just Married!

2008-06-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends;

The Boyfriend and I tied the knot!

We were married in San Francisco on June 12th. At 12pm. It was truly an auspicious day!

We did not plan what we were going to wear. (The day before I tried on most of what I brought up here with me, and nothing thrilled me. Having left 40' of clothes hanging in my closet down south, I was a little bummed, but not overly so.) We figured that we would go casual with flip flops and Hawaiian shirts...

The night before the *big day* I dreamed in black and white. I had on a classic black sheath dress that always makes me think of Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Boyfriend had on a traditional black suit and tie. It was a wonderful dream. It was filled with romance and adventure and I felt as if Bogart and Bacall were going to step into it at any moment. When I woke up, I was so convinced that this was the dress I was going to wear that I leaped out of bed and wiggled into it. (And that is how The Boyfriend woke up...) And being the good sport that he is, he donned his black suit, crisp white dress shirt and added a white silk tie. He looked exactly how I had dreamed. (And so did I. I felt so beautiful and timeless. A pair of black patent leather pumps and a faux tiger striped swing coat and my Nona's gold bracelet were the finishing touches.) We looked as if we really were in an old black and white movie from the 50's...

I made us traditional breakfast, and we hopped into the car for the drive into the City.

I was very surprised to see City Hall. I had no idea that it was so beautiful! Or so gigantic! (The Boyfriend laughed and said that he thought that I had planned it, that he thought I knew that it was that cool... Really, I had no clue.) It is more beautiful than many of the Cathedrals that I have seen and is truly awe inspiring. What a great place to get married!

With plenty of time to spare, we found the room for marriages and marriage licenses. There were so many happy couples waiting for their turn to become legally bound. It was fantastic! From young to old, formally dressed in full wedding gowns to jeans and shorts, they were all there. (Some were very, very old, and some were very, very pregnant...) There was even a whole Asian family there with a *film crew* that took videos and snapped photos of every single second while the Bride and Groom looked as if they had been plucked off the top of a wedding cake and Papa held the bright pink purses with pride...

We applied for the license and then took a break to sit on the grand staircase and wait for noon when it would be our turn.

Two beautiful ladies were our witnesses. (They had happily answered my call for help, and I am so thankful that they did. It made the day so much more than I had thought... And having such wonderful women there really bolstered me in a way I had not imagined.) And our Judge was exactly as I had envisioned. He was elderly, as if he had sat on the bench long before we were both born, and had married countless couples over too many days to count. He wore the traditional black judge's robes, and had a great voice that carried well in the rotunda where we officially became husband and wife.

The ceremony was short and sweet. Quite to the point. No special vows, no rings exchanged, just the same *I do* that so many thousands have said before us. (It was rather reassuring... I mean, if you are going to do something traditional like get married in the first place, why not really go all the way with it...) We held hands, and I did not cry. Almost... But I held it together. And The Boyfriend looked so proud and happy. It was perfect. And then faster than a 90 second quickie, it was done. And we kissed twice because we are in California. Once for real and once for the camera. (Though happily all of the snapshots came out grainy and blurry. Which is what I had wanted. To be able to remember the day the way our hearts saw it.)

I gave my new Husband, my Beloved best friend, a small little box that contained 12 shiny new pennies in it as a wedding present. (You remember when we were little and the world had so much magic and wonder in it? When we used to toss pennies into fountains and wells so that our heart's desire, our wishes would come true? Somehow, this remarkable man has managed to grant every wish I have wished. So much so, that I have nothing left to wish for. So I gave him the rest of my wishes... I don't need them anymore. I have long been happy with myself, but now I am content. And while I know that we must each find our own contentment, and that pennies may only be pennies, there is still something that inspires the magic of life when I am with him.)

Afterwards, we stepped out of City Hall, our hands clasped and giggling like the whole world was ahead of us... (Because it was... It is... And I love that.)

We strolled down the street looking for a place to get a drink. (The weather was hot and sunny, and for the City, that is saying something...) I played in a fountain, but my Beloved would not take his shoes off to join me... And then we had iced tea and a white frosted, rainbow sprinkled donut! (What a great wedding cake! It was the best donut I have ever eaten, it was confectionery heaven.)

As we walked back to the car, we came to a flea market. Something in one of the stalls blinked out shiny and I had to go see... It was from the sparkle of rings... Winking and blinking in the light. We laughed and I tried one on... And it fits, we'll need to size it a little later, but it does not fall off, which never happens with my super skinny fingers...

And that is how I ended up with a ring that looks like it came from Harry Winston... On our wedding day... Where for the first time in my life, I planned nothing, expected nothing, stressed over nothing, worried about nothing, and came away with everything. And more.

Later on, after we had changed into shorts and flip flops, we went to our little Italian restaurant that we love so much, and had a lovely dinner and tiramisu... It was the perfect ending for the perfect day... (And the night I am keeping to myself. After all... Not everything gets Blogged...)

I'm Pregnant!

2008-06-08T22:13:00.001-07:00

I'm PREGNANT!!!

How is that for something incredible!?!

And of that is why I have not been Blogging for awhile now... Every time I went to write something, all I wanted to do was spill the news...

I'm PREGNANT!!!

We were planning on waiting until the second trimester to say anything, but how can we not share something so totally fantastic?

I'm PREGNANT!!!

Besides... This has always been a place where I have shared my ups and downs, along with a funny time or two... So how is it that I can withhold my funny conception/ future Mother-in-law story longer than I have to? I can't... So now you all get to laugh along with me... And feel my pain... (Trust me, this whole pregnancy thing is great, but there is pain... Much more than I ever imagined...) Who else to better share my educational experience of a lifetime with? (And if you have been reading my Blog since the beginning then you will recall that I have always been the one to dread anything baby and baby related... You will know that while I do know HOW babies are made, and HOW babies are born, I know absolutely NOTHING of pregnancy... So this really is a huge learning experience for me.)

Mmmm... And how far along am I? Just a little over 6 weeks... And when did we find out? Just a little over 2 hours after we were told that the offer on the house had been accepted. YUP. We found out on the same day! (See... I really meant it when I said it was going to be a day we would never forget.)

And for those of you who said that the pitter patter of little feet were soon to be heard. You were right! Right now the estimated due date is January 29th. (I got the Aquarius that I wanted so badly... And The Boyfriend got his birthday wish. He had asked for a baby... Tall order, but we managed to pull that one off... (But that is part of the funny story to be coming down the Blogging road in the very near future.)

Oh thank goodness!
I'm PREGNANT!!!

We got the house!

2008-05-28T07:12:00.001-07:00

Yesterday will be a day to remember for the rest of our lives... So much shock can only be delivered to a person before the brain gets addled and things like leaving the keys in the door and walking halfway to the car before you notice start to happen.

We got the call just late enough in the morning from Derrick, that we had figured that is was not going to be coming for several more hours. So I had traipsed off to the store with a very Dear Friend who was waiting to pick up the keys on her totally cute new house. (She'll be moving a coupe of hours away, we needed supplies for the trip and a few other things...)

She and I were standing at the counter, having just purchased our (loot) things, when The Boyfriend called.

Are you in a public place?

Yes. We're just getting ready to leave the store...

Good. Derrick called... He said that... Wah-Wa Wah-Wawa Waaaw-Wa...

(I'm not sure what Derick said. My heart started racing the second The Boyfriend uttered the words "Derrick called". All I heard in my brain was "Ohhh please...Oh please...Oh please...Oh please" like a train keeping rhythm to the blood pounding through my brain. Everything else that followed was like the teacher speaking in the old Charlie Brown comics...)

Wah- Wa Wa... counter offer, but basically it means WE GOT THE HOUSE!

(It is a good thing that I had headed out to the front of the store while The Boyfriend was telling what Derrick said because at that moment, I started jumping up and down like a Mexican Jumping Bean and screaming like a Chihuahua in a purse at the mall.)

Eeeeeeeeeeee! Really? (Reallyreallyreally?) Really? Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! WE GOT THE HOUSE!

(You should have seen the gianormous man walking into the store at just that moment jump about a foot off the floor and look at me like he had never heard a person being told that they just won the lottery or the Superbowl or gotten the house of their dreams before. He was totally startled. The old man that followed into the store right after just shook his head.)

Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Really?
Really?
Really?
Really?
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Hop up and down like a bunny on some really good speed.)
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Ohhh!

Okay... We'll be right there! You can tell me when we get back...

(WE GOT THE HOUSE!)

Back and forth really bites...

2008-05-25T22:04:00.001-07:00

We made the offer on the house. The Seller's Agent is assuring us that they are not playing games, but it seems like they may be. (Or rather, that the Agent may be...) Derrick advises us well, and The Boyfriend is rolling things around in his brain for the rest of the night. (Funny the word rest, there will be no rest tonight... Just stressful thoughts dancing in and out of our heads, trying to figure out the best way to achieve the goal of getting the house.)

They countered, but not yet in writing. They are still showing the house, today was a return showing, and tomorrow (we have been advised) are two more showings. Their Agent says that it was only the first day that the offer came in and that they don't want to rush... But that they are not playing games. (That phrase comes along again.) We had gotten the response from their Agent that he was unable to locate the Seller yesterday, so we have been waiting until tonight to hear back. But nothing in writing, nothing binding, nothing that would put us into the good position of *pending*...

Is it any wonder that we noticed that I am covered in hives on the right side of my body? (Though I am thinking that it may actually be a case of shingles... That has happened before in the past. Will have to try some drugs and see if it helps...) Needless to say, this is the ultimate stress. (Of course I may say this again later on down the road with the next thing, but right now, this is the ultimate.) So I am trying to remain calm and focus on that whole breathing thing. (The Boyfriend is blaring music into his ears via headset... Thank goodness for headsets...)

We call Derrick in the morning to let him know what we have decided the plan of action that best suits us will be. (Like a call to arms... How sad.)

I know that they say if something is just given to you, you don't appreciate it as much... Great, I get it. We appreciate it. Really and truly.

Hard work: Check
Drive: Check
Research: Check
Focus: Check
Gratefulness: Check
Appreciation: Check
Humility: Check
Patience: Still working on that one, not my strong suit
Compassion: Check
Fairness: Check
Love: Double check- check
Superstitious finger crossing: Super- duper, extra bold CHECK

And of course for good measure... Grrrrrr...

We changed gears faster than Flash Gordon...

2008-05-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

So I wrote the last post... And then the phone rang. It was the Broker. Loan approved! The Realtor was there with the Broker, they are in the same building so it was an easy thing to do. Our super fantastic Realtor, Derrick Oh, said that he had already contacted the Seller's Agent and had given him a heads up on our interest in the property. He would be expecting our offer in the morning and was very excited to be working with us! We were the first call! (Can you hear the screams of excitement from here?)

At this point in the conversation I am jumping up and down and crying my eyes out because I am so happy! (You mean I get to live in the Barbie Chalet? And we get to KEEP it? All of my dreams that I thought were going to have to be placed on hold until the next home are jumping up and down in excitement...)

So then Derrick tells us that he will meet with us after we meet with the Broker tomorrow morning to draw up the papers. (Note that both the Broker and the Realtor were supposed to be going away on vacation tomorrow. I know, they are just the best! And like I have been saying for days upon days now; I LOVE Derrick!)

Then Derrick called me back to hold my hand a reassure me that we would be getting the offer in on time, that he had talked to the Seller's Agent again and that we'll be faxing it all over and that it was all good, all the way around. We went over the reports (The tests have already been done, the reports already given to us.) and are ready with a game plan.

It is everything that I spoke about with my first meeting with Derrick. (And he recalled everything that I said I was looking for.) And this home fits the original list to a tee! (And... Are you ready for this? It is not much more than the other home. Without all the downsides.)

Side note on the other home. We looked at it again. Really, really looked. And it has more problems than we originally saw. Like cracks in the pool and the addition not being on a foundation that we can see... Yeah... Still a good deal, but not as good as we thought. And headaches. Potentially big headaches. (This new home does not have that. What it has are all the permits in order, all the test done, everything sound.)

So wish us more luck, yet again. And keep those fingers just a little more crossed than before... Tomorrow morning is going to be huge!

OMG!!!

2008-05-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

Here is a video from the latest house hunt. This is the home of my dreams... Right within reach... It all is getting down to timing... Will the Broker get back to us in time? Will the Realtor being gone on vacation over the weekend be our undoing? Will some other Buyer snap this up from under us while we are at the mercy of others? Will it be ours? Can we do it? Can we do it in time? Can The Boyfriend hold up to the compounding stress of me facing the home I thought was beyond our reach, just within our grasp? Will I go nuts? Will I take The Boyfriend with me?

And for a few stills that the video does not cover; try out this album.

It is everything that I told the Realtor that I was hoping for.

It is huge, almost 2,000 sq. ft.
It has high vaulted, open beamed ceilings in every room.
It has two skylights.
It has two fireplaces.
It has covered parking for two large vehicles that can easily become a garage.
It has a pool that is deep enough for a diving board and long enough to swim real laps in.
It has three bedrooms.
It has two bathrooms.
It has a nook in the kitchen large enough for a table and four chairs.
It has a formal living room, and a separate family room.
It has a formal dining area.
It has a formal entryway.
It has tons of windows, large ones, and sliding doors.
It has lots of natural light.
It has a large grassy yard, in the front.
It has room to plant a few fruit trees.
The streets have tons of old tall oak trees, the yards are fully landscaped.
The streets are really wide.
The area is quiet.
The street has almost no traffic on it.
The street has good freeway access.
The street has almost NO turnover rate.
It is in the best area of town. (It is the La Jolla of our new city.)

Oh...

And the reports and tests have already been done. The bits that need to be done are nothing major and would be done by the Seller. (And we would get to pick the new tile. Talk about winning!)

And the price is right. Just barely. And we have to get just one type of loan to be able to swing it. But it is. And the value is already way more than the asking price. Not to mention that I would be hard pressed to want to ever move from this house. It has all the growth we would need. We can have visitors and entertain, and have two children fit right in without batting an eye. Great schools, safe neighborhood, this place has it all.

Just cross your fingers.

(And The Boyfriend says that he wants a vacation from his vacation. I can't blame him. Not one bit. I push hard and poke the bear way too often...)

Quickie Update...

2008-05-19T22:16:00.000-07:00

We met with the Realtor.
Went over papers.
Came up with a number.
Initialed the offer.
Sent it to the Seller's Agent.
Got a call about two hours later...

First hurdle made. The Seller accepted. Did the initialing, but forgot one page. Will send the disclosures over tomorrow.

Next hurdle: Getting the Seller's Banks to accept the offer... (That could take awhile.)

Fingers are crossed. Happy dance has been going on since 6:30... Keeping those fingers crossed. (Hopefully we'll be lounging in our very own pool this summer!)

Note to Self...

2008-05-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Had a great conversation with The Boyfriend this morning. Then he left for a quickie gym session. I glanced through my e-mail and clicked on a Dear Friend's profile. This song came out of my computer. I don't know what it was, didn't really get the words... But the melody touched me. I sat there on the sofa for the duration of the song, just a minute or two, and soaked it all in. And I was happy with my own company. Alone in my own space and thoughts and my own moment.

Note to Self:

Remember when the children are acting like kids, and the dog is wanting attention, and the dishes need to be washed, my Father is giving me grief for not calling enough, the man in my life is needing his best friend, my friends need their friend too, and I have dinner on the stove... It is a good thing and perfectly okay to take a moment for myself. To step away from it all and shut it all out for the duration of a good deep breath. It is the inner peace that brings me back to me and no matter how it may seem to the rest of the world, it is less selfish in the end if I have more of me to give. (And even if it is more selfish, I need to remember that I count in there too.)

It is incredible how in the space of one song, how many solid deep breaths a body can take. And how good it feels. And no matter how tight the money is, how high the stress is, or how crazy the life is; you can always afford the moment to just BE.

Yup. gotta remember that one.

Our House Update...

2008-05-18T13:21:00.001-07:00

Thank you... Thank you... Thank you... For all the wonderful well wishes!

(If you are scratching your head at this post, take a look at the previous post.)

Loan approved. Initial offer has been phoned into the Listing Agent. We meet with our wonderful Derrick tomorrow to go over where we go from here... (It is a short sale home... We will have to run our own tests and reports and wait to see if the Seller's bank accepts our tentative offer...)

But so far, so good!

I called my brother (the general contractor, not the farmer) and asked his thoughts on the cost of redoing the sun room. There is some damage that will have to be taken care of, and only the results of the inspector's reports will let us know just how much damage there is. The upside is, that the home is such a good deal, that even if we demo the whole back and buld it from scratch, we can totally do it. (Sigh of relief from The Boyfriend, happy dance from me...)

I spent the better part of last night going over things that we now have on a (pre) list of refurbishing/ improvements to do. Trying to figure out time/ money/ value ratios. (I have said that I am a list maker as well as a lover of research.)

Here is an idea of what we have so far:

Take care of the corner of dry rot, if that is all it is, in the sun room.
OR:
Take care of the repairs of the dry rot, up to and including a total sun room re-do

Take out the glass block window in the bathroom that is partially falling out already.
AND:
Replace glass block window with a clear and frosted leaded and beveled stained glass window.

(Since it can be seen from the bathroom shower/tub and in the sun room, it need to look like it was done on purpose, not an afterthought. Talk about turning a negative into a positive though! I rocked the solution on this one if I do say so myself...)

Replace the windows and doors of the sun room with French doors.

(Rather than redoing the outside of the sun room to match the house, and putting up drywall on the inside, we'll just install the French doors. Less work and money, if you can believe it. And the view of the pool is really great and private. Oh, and it totally fits with the time frame of the house and neighborhood. Yup, it's that simple.)

Add some trellis and vine type plants along the exposed fence line.

(Since the fence and privacy walls are in really good shape, this will add to the view and keep the plants from damaging the walls. And they will be fairly easy to maintain.)

Plant a cherry tree. Somewhere. Location to be determined.

(The Boyfriend LOVES cherries and really wants a tree. Small request, top of the list really.)

Build a pseudo craftsman arbor over the small patch of grass in the back yard.

(It needs to be a slightly later style than craftsman, since the house was built in 1947, as was the neighborhood. And it is very clear that the area the home is in is focused on preservation. Since it is the only patch of grass in the back, it should be emphasized in a way that ties it into the landscaping and existing architecture. And it gives The Boyfriend a place to put up a couple of hanging chairs and/or a hammock. With a few eye bolts they can be easily changed out or completely removed. And lastly, it will help provide a tiny bit more shade. We were thinking the open kind of arbor, so the top slats don't provide much coverage without a canopy... Now there is a thought for later...)

Tile the sun room floor with reclaimed Terra Cotta and stone tiles. Place hand done mosaic in the center between the dining room and the main French doors to the back yard.

(The floor has to be re-done, so it might as well be done in a way to give us the biggest returns. And get this, the cost of the reclaimed tiles and stone pieces are not outrageously priced... Well, they are comparable to any other flooring choice we have to fit in with the house. And since I am very artistic, and will be signing up for a class to learn the specifics of laying a mosaic with The Boyfriend, we are going to do that part ourselves. Hooray for having artistic talents, patience, and an over-dose in perfectionism!)

Have a carpenter come in and match the space in the original hardwood floor where the old heating vent contraption was.
OR:
Purchase a reclaimed 18" ornate grate to place in the floor for decorative bonus while creatively solving the current dilemma.

(There is a new system already installed and now there is a gaping 18" hole in the wall at the floor, and a noticeable lack of hardwood.)

Leave the kitchen alone.

(It is perfect and there is nothing to change/ add/ or re-do. Really. Even down to the mint condition vintage Wedgewood stove and stained glass panel in the door out to the garage.)

Lay tile in the second bathroom to finish the current renovations.

(All we have to do is match the beautifully completed first bathroom.)

Add fresh neutral paint to the walls, freshen up the white of the crown molding and trim.

(Talk about a no brainer spiffer upper.)

Add crown molding to the hallway.

(I know that this may sound a little silly, but I saw it in two other homes in the same neighborhood, and it looks INCREDIBLE! It made such a huge difference that was also tastefully understated. Kind of like changing out the doorknobs. I know! Right?)

This is sort of the sad part. When you look at everything the Sellers have done to the home, and the current state of uncompleted projects, you can see that they were on the right track and just ran out of money. They tackled pretty much all of the expensive projects, the things that The Boyfriend and I are more than happy to not to need to take on, and then just could not afford to continue with the restoration and upgrades. Their sad plight of paying way too much at the height of the market, and taking on costly repairs led to their loss of the home.

I am torn in my jubilation of such a gem to (possibly, keep those fingers crossed and good vibes coming...) call our very own, and sadness at the loss of another family's hard work and dreams. So the emotions keep swinging back and forth, but for the most part, I am doing the happy dance of the century! (Good thing that the century is still young... Though this will really be difficult to top.)

Note:
The photo up at the top is a really bad show and tell of the kitchen. It was used in the listing. I'm sure the second I get a chance, I will be taken far too many photos that would do the little gem we hope to call home justice. Oh... and if the above (partial) list seems a bit daunting, please keep in mind that we are elated to be doing this. And actually are looking forward to weekends at home with our hands getting dirty. well, The Boyfriend's hands, we all know I will be using work gloves as a second skin.) And if it seems like the house is a wreck, please believe that it is far from it. I am just a perfectionist and we are looking forward to getting the biggest return on this (enormous) investment. We're just having fun stacking the deck if you will...

Waiting on Pins and Needles...

2008-05-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

I am on pins and needles...

Being the person that I am, I research things... To death. And then I research them some more. And then I get other opinions and advice and do some more research. (So when I hear about a band that has been together 10 years, yet they are an overnight success, I totally get it.)

The Boyfriend and I have been looking for a house. (It's the next thing on his list. New job. Done. House. Engagement/ Marriage. Baby.) He decided in February, after mulling things over for a very long time, that this is his plan. And that he wanted it done and resolved by his birthday. Which was this past Sunday. (Also known as Mother's Day this year.) Not much time, I know. So I have had things in high gear.

I got a *feeling* on this great house in the Rose Garden that turned out to be not so great. But also turned out to be fantastic because I adore our Realtor, Derrick Oh. Form there I did my research, and Derrick and I spent the better part of yesterday looking at way too many homes. (When I say the better part of, I mean from 11am until 3:30 and then again from 4:30 to 5:30 with The Boyfriend along for the final viewings.) Long day, I know. Great Realtor, really great Realtor, I know.

So The Boyfriend and I slept on it. And then spoke on it. And we are going to make a tentative offer. (Pending bank approval, it's a short sale, and the test reports coming back satisfactorily.)

And I am really quite pleased. (The phrase; Pleased as Punch, comes to mind.) That easy. Excellent! Hooray for good timing and tenacity. (Especially since I am now thoroughly exhausted...) We are this much closer to getting the things in life that we desire. (And even if something happens so that this is not the house, we are still so very much closer to those things than before.)

I am now on pins and needles... Like a kid that is waiting for Christmas, and now school is out and the snow is falling and the cookies are baked and frosted... And Santa is still not here yet... Kind of like that. (Only I knew at 4 that Santa did not exist... Well that is until a couple of years ago when I met him... No really. I did. See below.)

And now it is time for The Boyfriend to bring on the money people, the test inspector people and the too many forms and numbers sign your life away people. (But he is goo with that stuff...) And then it is waiting. Until tonight to meet with the first of them. Until Monday afternoon to meet with the next... And all I keep thinking is; Let this be the right thing, and PLEASE don't let anyone else make an offer on our house.

(The one house that when I walked in the door, I just KNEW, I was HOME. The rest are okay, this was home. And yes, no matter what there are other homes in the sea... And this is only an interim home... But ohhh...)

Want a teaser? The photo at the top is from the collection of this house. Great potential right? Makes you want to come over for a swim and home cooked dinner huh? (Send the good vibes, and consider yourself invited...)

Life in the Land of Listings...

2008-05-17T06:32:00.001-07:00

Okay... SO I had to share this little silly... It made me laugh.

While perusing the latest listings, I cam across this one:

GREAT LOCATION. CLOSE TO SANTANA ROW, VALLEY MEDICAL & 280. RARE TO FIND 2 CAR GARAGE IN THIS AREA. ADDITION WITH PERMIT. NEWER WINDOWS, WATER HEATHER , COOPER PLUMBING, KITCHEN APPLIANCES AND SPRINKLER SYSTEM. HUGE MASTER BEDROOM WITH WALK-IN CLOSET. FIREPLACE IN LIVING ROOM. EXTRA STORAGE.

Hopefully water Heather and Cooper plumbing will be able to hook up and have e good time. As we all know, a happy house makes for a happy home...

Gee... Really?

2008-05-14T23:14:00.000-07:00

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Lara Croft

A thrill-seeking, slightly unscrupulous, tough-as-nails archaeologist, Lara Croft travels the world in search of ancient relics perhaps better left hidden. She packs two Colt .45s and has no fear of jumping off buildings, exploring creepy tombs, or taking on evil meglomaniacs bent on world domination.

Lara Croft

92%

Batman, the Dark Knight

71%

James Bond, Agent 007

71%

Indiana Jones

63%

Captain Jack Sparrow

58%

El Zorro

50%

Neo, the "One"

50%

Maximus

46%

William Wallace

42%

The Amazing Spider-Man

42%

The Terminator

38%

So I am officially a two-timing cheater...

2008-05-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

Yup. You read that right. I am a cheating. On my Realtor. (And he is a fantastic Realtor... Really.)

There has been much in the way of life changes and advancements over the past week. So much so, that if it had all gone on over a month, it would still be a packed month. But here's the rundown.

I went, I saw, I picked up my jaw up off the floor from the House of *What were they Thinking?*... (Derrick, my NEW Realtor and I think that it was either an elder care facility, or a halfway house.) There were 6 bed rooms and 4 bathrooms. It had water damage, and mold, and there was no way that The Boyfriend and I could figure out how to remodel it successfully. (Even the visiting parents were stumped.) New baths all the way around, new kitchen, new laundry room, new plaster walls, and that was just to make it livable. (Assuming that there was no termite damage/lead paint/ asbestos/ black mold/ roof damage/ foundation cracks, plumbing, and electrical trouble.)

All in all, it was just too much to take on. Even for the to die for neighborhood it was in. (And really, I have not seen a better neighborhood anywhere. If you are in the Bay Area, then you just might be familiar with the historic Rose Garden District. Yeah... It was that great, but not...)

The good part was, I found a Realtor that I fell in love with. His name is Derrick. And Derrick is Fabulous with a capitol F. He gets me, and thinks my insane lists and desires are great. He loves my energy and is a great balance for The Boyfriend and I. (He used to do the high powered computer world thing, but retired to real estate about 10 years ago. So he gets the commute thing for The Boyfriend.) He also grew up in the Bay Area, in an EICHLER!! So he knows all about them, is familiar with the areas that we are focused on, and could even be our (sort of) neighbor. Oh, and he used to do the loan approval thing when he first got into real estate, so he is familiar with all the tips and tricks and still has great connections. (He has The Boyfriend hopping through this part already.) Yup. We both love Derrick. (Did I mention that he is highly responsive to e-mails and calls? Yup, I love Derrick, he can handle my three messages a day, and still find 5 listing that I did not have on my current list of over 70...)

I'll speak on the parents visit in the next Blog, else the update will go on forever... But they came, they visited, they ate The Boyfriend's birthday cake, they left for home happy. It was good.

They also spent an afternoon touring around a few neighborhoods on our list. (Makes it easier to tell them about the homes we are viewing if they have seen the areas and types of homes in them. Especially since both San Diego and the Oregon Valley don't really have neighborhoods like these.) This is where the cheating comes in. (I know, and I was just starting out with a Realtor... It's not that I am fickle, it's just that it takes a whole heck of a lot to get me to commit exclusivity...)

We paused to tour a grand home, waaay out of our price range. The Realtor, Louise. (The Boyfriend calls her *The Bulldog Woman*.) She is the super salesperson. The one you bring in to close a deal. The Boyfriend and I met a few of those when we took a tour of a timeshare on Hawaii's Big Island this past February. She asked me a few questions, ran right over my answers, and whipped out her trusty compilation of listings for the totally shi-shi neighborhood of Willow Glen. She wanted to show us a home that had too few bedrooms at too high a price. I finally got her to show us a home that might work. (Turns out that it was practically perfect, just out of our price range when we re-looked at what we could realistically afford. Seriously a bummer.)

She has been rather aggressive in being determined to find us a home in the shi-shi area that are all she handles... So I figured I would let her. Who knows what she might find... And now that she and I have spoken about the house we viewed, she knows what it is that we like. Now I just need to convince her that our new limit really is our limit. (It is sort of reminding me of the book; If you give a Mouse a Cookie... But I am sure I can handle it.)

So the plan is to let her run with the shi-shi rope and see what the trolling brings in... And keep Derrick for everything else. Everything else is where I am all but positive we will find the home we will purchase. (But with such a huge commitment, and such a great expense, I feel it is okay to keep a few options open just in case. And I have never told Derrick that he was the only one. Gosh, now here come the excuses, right?)

The Boyfriend is actually looking forward to landscaping and gardening... And I have a few marbles stashed away in my purse... (Thanks El...) So please wish me a pretty new home that has architectural character and a close commute time. And if you really feel the wishing juices churning, wish me closets and storage space... Even though we are planning on only two children, there are many grandparents to spoil them, and many cousins to come and stay for long visits. (And of course, you all can come and visit too!)

I am looking forward to unpacking all of my beautiful dishes and having dinner parties, bar-be-ques, and brunches... I love to entertain and will be so happy when I am finally in a place to have everyone over like I used to. Movie parties, craft and sewing parties, and if I am really lucky, perhaps even a pool party... Who know what we'll end up with. (Just know that for friends and family, the door is open...)

I am set to view some homes again on Friday. (And since this is more like a marathon...) Let the games begin!

PS. If you happen to be in the South Bay/ San Jose area, and are looking for the best Realtor, contact mine. (And with no fewer than 9 Realtors in my family, I know a good one in an instant.) Shameless plug for Derrick Oh... (Just please don't buy my house... Okay? Thanks!)

Derrick Oh
Coldwell Banker
P: 408 445-7128
F: 408 723-1950
www.DerrickOh.com

Update:

I cannot be a cheater any more. Luscious is right, a good Realtor is way too fantastic, and Derrick is just that. (He gets me, he really gets me...) And since I have been going around for the past day and a half saying that *I just LOVE Derrick... I love Derick*... I am done with the rest.

There really is just nothing else that she could bring to the table that he could not, or would not... (Except for perhaps her pushy hard sell, and that is just not my style...)

Even The Boyfriend agrees, Derrick is EXCELLENT... (But really, please don't buy our house, thanks.)

I have a Meez...

2008-05-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

Looking at a Home...

2008-05-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

I am on my way to meet with a Realtor to see a 1920's house. 6 bedroom/ 4 bath, 3236sft. The listing says it needs a little TLC. But We shall see.

"Truly a unique Property, Charming & Spacious, Investors Dream, 6 Bedroom Plus 2nd story Master Suite w/Fireplace, 4 1/2 Bath. Huge step down Family room with adjacent Wet Bar. Needs TLC! Needs some WK. GREAT NEIGHBORHOOD! Priced to Sell, Must see!"

I am trying not to get too excited about it. (But wish me luck just in case!)

In other news, I am now officially ready for the immanent arrival of The Boyfriend's parents. Spring cleaning is done. Now all there is to do is wait.

Another Day of Peeing on the Stick...

2008-05-06T17:42:00.000-07:00

After 10 days, the little stick is finally starting to get a little darker with that second line. Whew! And I was beginning to hold my breath that it was not ever going to change...

Things are still on schedule then... Even though my eagerness and anticipation were getting the better of me... Okay, perhaps they still are... But I'd really like an Aquarius...

Of course The Boyfriend's Mother as set a gremlin loose in my ovulation gears... (You see, I am supposed to be in high fertility this weekend. The weekend of The Boyfriend's birthday. The weekend of Mother's Day. The weekend that we have a home full of visiting parents...) I had it all worked out that we would send them out for morning coffee at the nearby Starbucks... Just like the last visit... But The Boyfriend's Mother is bring a French press so that they won't have to leave at all... (Do you hear the screaming of my ovaries?)

And my body is once again being weird... (How I miss the pill... Weight control, hormone control, predictability...) My face is a mix of fine lines and acne. (Is this some sort of sick joke from nature? Should I have one or the other? Why is it that I have both? Lines are for the old... Bumps are for the young... Grrr...) My glands are swollen and my neck is sore... Like I slept funny, but not quite... And then there is the sharp pain sort of near my abdomen... Like where I used to get menstrual cramps, but higher... Yup... Temperature a tad higher than normal... Sounds like my body might have figured out this whole ovulation thing after all.

Let's just keep our fingers crossed that the woman who is the first one up and the last one to bed feels the need to go out for a nice walk... (I know... Why not just have sex on the floor as far away from the shared wall as quietly as possible like every other time? Ah... But we are forgetting the added bonus of me hanging out with my pelvis in the air for 20-30 minutes to help the little swimmers along on their journey... Yeah... Not really a great plan...)

Our Home's Evolving Decor...

2008-04-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

I have been busy making the apartment more like a home. The Boyfriend teases me that I am nesting, and I probably am. But with such a great end result, it really is a good thing, whatever it is called.

I have updated the album that I started to keep track of how it all looks. There are tons of lengthy comments explaining it all too. And no, there are not too many... It is not too over the top. Just a little spring time decorating. I still have a rug and some more curtains to work on, but I am getting to the point where I really enjoy just sitting around and looking at how nice things look. (The bedroom is getting close to the spa look that I was after. A few more additions down the road and we could rent it out for $500.00 a night... Not that I would or anything, but you know what I mean.)

Our Home's Evolving Decor

The Boyfriend loves it too. He jokes that he is going to wake up in the morning and not know where he is, but he smiles when he sees it and his eyes get all twinkly. (And that might account for the official statement that we now live together. He was very determined to make sure that I knew I had a permanent space and belonging here so that I could no longer voice my thoughts of living out of my suitcase with any validity. I like that. Sometimes, it takes a man emptying out his dresser to bring the realization home that I am... well... HOME.

(The photos of us were taken this past Valentine's Day. We had a delightful evening curled up on the sofa with a rare delivered pizza as a treat... One that was so good, there was only one slice left at the end of the night. Served right from the box onto real dinner plates and accompanied by cloth napkins...Yup... It's home.)

The full Windsor baby...

2008-04-01T09:23:00.001-07:00

The Boyfriend has (another) interview today. Moving upwards and jumping ladders is a good thing, but can wreck havoc on the nerves. (He already has a good job, but it is time to be moving onward towards things that will take him the places that he is preferring to go. Or at least try out.) He is using my words as his mantra and seems much calmer this morning than last night.

"Remember, you are interviewing them."
It is always a two way street. The "good fit" needs to go both ways. (And he has a lot to offer...)

So this morning, he put on the black suit that I picked up from the dry cleaners yesterday. He has on smashing black socks (with a small pattern on them) to go with his black silk tie that I had all laid out. (He even has the undershirt and striped shirt going on. He looks sharp.) Even his shoes are nicely polished. (He polished them, I avoid shoe polish whenever possible. Shined shoes are a must though...)

And after several (numerous) tries at tying the tie, along with me as the peanut gallery getting in the way, he looks divine. (Or as he says: " I look like I am going to either a wedding or a funeral.")

Then since there was an hour left to kill, I searched out how to properly tie a full Windsor knot. (Hey... It's been awhile. But you can bet that I'll be practicing for quite some time when I am all alone. Getting my hands on a man in a suit is one of my top pleasures in life. (Getting my hands on The Boyfriend in a suit... Well that's just out of this world...)

Here is the great how-to video that we found. Short and to the point and even has instant re-plays. Enjoy!

Here come the caolries...

2008-03-31T11:16:00.000-07:00

I have a ton of food blogs that I keep in my reader. Last night, The Boyfriend and I were drooling over countless photos and recipes... (That is, until I realized that we were both really hungry and we stopped to have some dinner...)

Here are two that looked good for the upcoming Passover holiday... (And one is sure to be a favorite as it has coconut and no gluten... Too bad it is not sugar free too...)

Coconut Macaroons

6 egg whites
1/4 teaspoon celtic sea salt
1/2 cup agave nectar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3 cups shredded coconut

1. In a mixing bowl whisk egg whites and salt until stiff
2. Fold in agave, vanilla and coconut
3. Drop batter onto a parchment lined baking sheet, one rounded tablespoonful at a time
4. Pinch each macaroon at the top (like a kiss)
5. Bake at 350 degrees* for 10-15 minutes, until lightly browned
6. Serve

(This recipe came from a gluten free food blog... Elana's Pantry Check it out if you are looking for more of the gluten free treats and tricks... And I love her pantry... Beautiful.)

The next recipe is great. The blog that I pulled it from has great "how to" step by step photos. Talk about looking easy and kids would make a quick and sticky mess of it... But it did make me think that matzoh might not be a bland as I usually do... Take a look... Try it out... Mail me some... Because if I have to make a batch, I'll make the whole box... Zoe Bakes

Chocolate Caramel Matzoh for Passover (or any other time!)

4-6 unsalted matzohs
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter or Passover margarine
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup chocolate chips (Marcy calls for 1/4 cup but I need more!)
Line a baking sheet with foil. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a sauce pot cook the butter and sugar over medium high heat for about 3 to 5 minutes, whisking constantly. The caramel may melt and be transparent or it may look more crystallized looking as in this batch. It doesn’t seem to matter once you bake it. Spread it evenly over the matzohs.

Bake for about 15 minutes. Check half way through to make sure it is not browning too quickly. Rotate pan.

Remove from oven and add the chocolate. Let the chocolate sit for 5 minutes and then spread evenly over the matzohs. Allow to cool to room temperature. If your kitchen is too warm for the chocolate to set on its own then place in the refrigerator until set.

Break into strips or bite sized pieces.

Hawaii Day Five...

2008-03-28T08:38:00.001-07:00

-Hawaiian morning rush
-Kilauea Iki crater walk
-Lazy afternoon
-Nighttime tradition

Walkin' on the Moon... That was what stepping across the crater's surface was like... Belches of sulfurous steam and gaseous smoke filled the air, leaving your throat lasting vaguely like strike-anywhere matches had been scraped across it. It permeated everything and it was inescapable.

We walked through what seemed like a pre-historic jungle and arrived at a sudden view, startling for it's vast starkness. Here and there tiny plants struggled for a crack of life to sustain itself. And for almost as far as the eye could see, was the hole of the crater, like a gaping maw, waiting to swallow you whole.

Down into the crater we went, step after step. My head pounded from the smell and the glare. (Only halfway across did it cross The Boyfriend's mind to tell me to put on my sunglasses. Which helped my eyes, but did nothing for my poor assaulted nose and throat.)

Sound travels differently in the crater. Birds in the surrounding jungle seem as if they are right in front of you. Your spoken words sound blunt and buffered. And the crunch of the lava beneath your feet is almost ominous as you realize that about a mile below you lava still swirls. In places you can feel the heat through your shoes and warm your feet uncomfortably.

About halfway across, it seems as if you have been walking forever. And that you still have forever to go to reach the other side. The unbidden thought that the earth COULD shift and open up below you is pushed from your mind again and again as you tell yourself that this IS a safe thing to be doing, crossing the cooled surface of a volcano's crater. You can almost feel the nervous laughter escape your lips, and you walk on.

Light-headed, you finally reach the other side and begin the ascent back up and into the jungle. Back to where there are living things, and green, and cooler breezes, and (hopefully) fresher air.

It is not until you are back in your car, bumping along the highway, many miles past the volcanoes that you can finally such in a sweet breath of air. And you gulp it in so quickly that you start to choke on it. And THAT is when it clicks into your brain that you really did it... You really just spent the afternoon hiking across the huge crater of a volcano (and lived to tell the tale). Your next thought is that you really would love to sit out on the lanai, look out onto the ocean, and sip on a cool beer.

And that is what we did. (Well... I had a juice spiked with 7UP, The Boyfriend enjoyed a beer, but in the end, it's really all the same thing.)

Hawaii Day Four...

2008-03-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

-Hawaiian morning rush
-Off roading in Na' alehu
-South Point
-Flying kites
-Tide pools
-Scaring the cows
-Nighttime tradition
-The Boyfriend ill

Somewhere during the vacation, and not too many days in, both The Boyfriend and I lost a day. Or rather, we thought that we were a day ahead of where we were. Talk about being on local time... We took that to the extreme. Forget about hours having no meaning, days no longer had a place either. It was either daylight or dark. We were either going and doing, or just chilling out. There was no more pressing need for anything. Even yours truly, the poster child for type-A planning, tossed aside the list of things to do and just “went with it”.

And that was how Day Four went... We gathered up our packed lunch and camelbak, along with a truly beautiful kite and went in search of a grand location to fly it. This was found along the cliffs in the soft, tall grasses at South Point. The air was as soft as the grasses, and as warm as the ocean spray. It was breathtaking. The sky was glorious and the butterflies danced along the miniature orchids in the expanse of fields.

We napped on the grass, The Boyfriend and I. It reminded me of the nursery rhyme of Little Boy Blue... Just one of those lazy days where the rocking of the Jeep over the sandy bumps in the grasses felt more like a massage and less like the jolts of typical off roading. I was so relaxed that I was all but asleep before we got there. Awake just enough to snap a photo here and there of all the pretty sights that caught my eye.

If you ever want to fly a kite, this is THE place to do it. Wonderful breezes that pull at the string and dance the kite along. And the colors of the kite stand out like the flowers in the surrounding jungle... Even the streamers swirl better here.

Then we hopped back into the Jeep, which The Boyfriend decided needed a Hawaiian name, henceforth known as Eep'ee Ele' (The jeep, not The Boyfriend.) and did some more off-roading to get back to the house. On the way, we passed the road that goes to nowhere (Unless the more daring of the Hawaiians would like to dispute that a road that leads off a cliff and then suddenly disintegrates in mid-air about a 150 feet in the air above the ocean really does go somewhere...) and took some photos... And then a pretty herd of cows... Of which I saw a cute calf nursing and wanted to get photos of. So The Boyfriend stopped Eep'ee Ele' on the side of the road so that I could walk back to get my shots of the cows...

That is when the biggest cow in the bunch decided that I was a horrible scary being that must be run away from. And it mooed to the other cows to join it. It ran about 50 feet away, literally jumping over a couple other smaller cows to get away from the terrible mainlander who so selfishly had thought to snap a few photos... The other cows scattered up the little hill after the big cow, the mother cow ripping the tit out of the calf's suckling mouth with a loud pop in her haste to join the others.

There they stood all huddled together. I could almost see them shivering in fear. I have never felt so badly in my life. I was laughing because I felt so bad. (Why is that? When emotions run so deep, all I do is laugh. And that is not at all what I wanted to do. Really I felt terrible, but there I was trudging back to Eep'ee Ele' laughing like a fool...)

The rest of the day was good, but after the cows, it took a slower and more quiet pace... We went through the Hawaiian vacation tradition, cooking, showering, eating, passing out cold in bed, totally ready for another start and another day on the island...

Later that night... The Boyfriend woke up ill... Really ill... Sick and shivering and all clammy... After a bit of apologizing for being ill (Yup, always thoughtful my sweet boyfriend is... Like he CHOSE to get sick...) about a hundred times, The Boyfriend finally settled down for the rest of the night in a fitful sleep...

Seeing the obvious... Again...

2008-03-26T07:58:00.001-07:00

I saw a photo that a friend posted up about her fishing trip... It looked like she was having the time of her life... (Enough that I can hear my brothers muttering something about scaring off all the fish... Though they did catch fish, there were photos of that too...) What I got from the photo may not be what most would have...

They were being silly... They were laughing... They were having a good time... (Sure that is what everyone else would see...) But this friend is always SO put together... She may be wild and crazy, but she is polished... And there she was, on the boat, in mix-matched clothes and still as cute as ever... She had this silly football cozy for her drink... (As in it was a football shaped cozy that was the size of a tiny pop warner football...) And she looked... Happy.

This friend takes the best photos. Never have I known anyone more photogenic... But to look at these photos, there is something different... Her eyes are not so... So... Well, the word escapes me, but she looked more alive and sparkly than I have seen in any other photo...

And it made me think that perhaps being perfect is not what it is all about... Perhaps one CAN be happy in mix-matched clothes and a silly football cozy... Perhaps it is not so bad that all the coffee cups don't match, or that the only sweater in the car does not go with the outfit you have on... Perhaps there is more to life than the outer appearances... (And YES, I do already know this... But it was a slamming revelation all the same...)

So there you have it... My observation for the day... I'm going to go put on mix-matched socks and grab the first sweater I see, sit at the computer, sip my herbal tea, and be happy for the rest of the day...

Wedding Math... What do I do?

2008-03-20T12:46:00.001-07:00

So here it is...

My Dad really wants to see me get married. I think almost more than he wants me married. I don't know why, it's not as if I have not been married before. It's not even as if I did not have a huge wedding with all the trimmings before. Even The Boyfriend was married before and did the wedding thing. So none of the parents have been deprived of a wedding... But it seems like this is something that they want. (Though the only one who has voiced an opinion over the thing has been my Dad. And my brother, Aaron. But not anything like my Dad. And not nearly as often.)

So here is the situation...

My brother Nathan, his wife Robin, and their four children have a farm in upstate NY. They cannot leave the farm. Too many animals, it's planing season and so on... Later it will be farm work and then harvesting. If there is any time that they *might* be able to leave, it would be in the dead of winter, and quite frankly, I love my family, but I am not waiting that long.

My 2nd Mother lives in upstate NY as well.

The Boyfriend's parents live on the west coast, but not in CA.

My Mother, Step-Father, Brother, Father, and my Father's girlfriend all live in Southern California.

The Boyfriend and I are in Northern CA.

Everyone has money that they need to be using for other daily life activities. The parents all have car and house payments, the brothers are working hard to make ends meet, and The Boyfriend is doing his best to make a home. (This means scraping together an expensive down payment for an *affordable* house in the Bay Area. I can hear you all laughing over the concept of place affordable and Bay Area together in the same sentence.) Needless to say, I think that the money spent on a wedding would be better spent on other things. I just can't justify it. (I am also not that selfish to ask my family to cough up the money and make them all stress about it and/or feel bad.) Nor can I accept that it is right to have one parent (out of four sets) be the only observers in this event. And then there are the siblings...

All I wanted was to be married on the 12th (of whenever, but not too far off...) and to have some really awesome photos taken so that I can hang them on the wall and have something to show our children. The Boyfriend seems fine with this.

After last night's latest pushing from my Father as to WHEN (we don't know) and that he needs to be there... And then talking to my brother, only to discover that my Father is up to his old tricks of pressure one sibling so that they will pressure the other... (It's not just my Dad, the whole family on that side does it. It's like breathing to us all... Poor Boyfriend...) I am starting to get the message that he is not going to let this drop. And something is going to have to be said. (Which means a yelling and screaming match. That is just how it works.) And I am dreading it.

So I slept on it.

And this is what I came up with. (After tossing and turning being tormented by fits of endless bad dreams and a solid elbow to The Boyfriend's face...) Let my Dad pay for the wedding he wants so badly.

Is this terrible?

I did some quick investigating and this is what I came up with...

There are fewer people to fly out to NY than to CA. Plus the family in NY can't get away, so it all works out there. So assuming that we all fly out there in June, the ballpark cost of airfare is $3700. And then it crossed my mind that people need a place to stay for the approximate five day weekend that this would mean.

I figured that flying out on Wednesday the 11th, wedding on the 12th, dinner party at my 2nd Mom's (Minus 1/2 my family, long story there...) on the 13th, who knows what on the 14th, and flight back on the 15th which is a Sunday. Crammed, but not too crammed.

I figured that The Boyfriend and I would stay with 2nd Mother. My one brother would stay with the other brother at the farm. My Mother and Step-Dad, along with The Boyfriend's parents would be at one motel, while my Dad and his girlfriend would be at another motel. (It's in the middle of nowhere, there are only Motel's) The guestimate cost for this (After a quick on-line look) would be $1800.

I am not counting for food and so on. No cake. No flowers. No photos. (I must have photos of some sort though...) I had picked up my Mother's wedding dress from her while I was home for Christmas. I have some fabric that I was going to use to re-work the length. Bing about 7 inches taller than my Mother, it is a necessary thing. I was going to do the dress thing for the photos that I wanted for the wall...) The total cost of the wedding (So far, I'm not new to this, I do know about hidden and unforeseen costs...) is $5500. So let's just say $6000. OUCH!

All I keep hearing in my head is SIX GRAND??? For a wedding that is not necessary?

Okay. I'll admit it. It would be nice to have it all work out like that. It would be great to include our closest family members in this day. It would be cute to see my brother's four small children playing wedding and tossing flower petals and passing pillows and being cute. If I were to be totally honest, it is exactly what I want. (Okay, I think I may cry here...) But I also have learned that money does not grow on trees, and this is ONE day, or five, but what I really want is countless days in a home of our own.

My cousin married a woman from another country. It was his second wedding, her first. Her family could not make it here for the wedding. So they eloped. We all knew that they would do it. When they told us all, we were thrilled. Then there was a huge family party for them. Nothing fancy, just a typical family party, all 150 of us together eating tons of family cooked food and eating sheet cake. It was wonderful and stress free. Then they went to Prague and had a family party there for her side. This is how I thought it would be with The Boyfriend and I.

But I have to talk to my Father soon. Is it wrong for me to make him this proposition?

And there is another concern. A really important one. The Boyfriend has a lot on his plate right now. And I handed the proposal over to him. And this morning I told him that I was sorry for the added pressure from my family. That I want him to do things that are right for him, and on his own time frame. And I meant it. I would rather never be married than to have The Boyfriend pressured into doing this before he is ready. I want him to think that it is the most wonderful CHOICE in the world, not that he HAD to. So I just don't see how I can speak to my Dad about it until The Boyfriend has decided that he is ready to take that step. It's not that I am making excuses or avoiding a conversation that I don't want to have with my Father, it really would be unfair and unkind to the kindest man I have ever known. I just can't do it. I won't.

So what do I do? (But before that question, is it right for me to make the proposition to my Dad in the first place?)

(Sigh) Life is complicated...

What rolls around in my brain could bore you BUT...

2008-03-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... I've left you all hanging on the rest of the Hawaii Blogs... And I think I am just going to edit what I have and post it later today... Or tomorrow... Pulling out a story for each day is taking longer than I thought and when I had the momentum to do it, I kept telling myself to edge back a little. I just did not want to inundate you all with a gazillion posts like I did with out cross-country road-trip... (I still feel badly about that.) So I think that is what I am going to do about that.

Now... For this Blog I am in the mood to tell the world about me... (I know, isn't that what I do in EVERY blog?) But since I am in a chatty mood and there are too many scattered things running around in my brain to allow me to be productive at the moment, I am hoping that this is going to help me run it all out of my system and let you get to know a little bit about me... (This is not a meme... Though I suppose it could be... Use it if you like... Ah well, here we go...)

-One-

I have three coffee cups sitting in the sink right now... (I know... Do the dishes already...) But I just filled up a clean cup with herbal berry tea... Which I am going to let grow tepid on the table next to me before I take my first sip. Which I really want, but am afraid to burn my tongue. I hate that more than just about anything, so I eat and drink tepid food. Not only that... But after I take the first sip, and enjoy it, I will most likely forget that I have a cup next to me until the liquid is cold. Ad then I drink it anyway because I don't want to waste it, and tea does not go bad... I am glum that there is no sugar in my tea... I am trying to be good. (I swear that I am giving up on the jelly beans this time...)

-Two-

I have gotten into a habit of not making the bed right away when I get up. That bothers me. A lot. I figure that if I make the bed right away, then I won't want to climb right back into it. And it makes me feel as if I have accomplished at least ONE thing each day right away... Sort of like stacking the deck for having a good day. But lately... I have been leaving it unmade each morning until mid-day. I tell myself that I'll go back to bed to nap. And I really LONG to go back to bed and be good to my body, but for one reason or another, I don't. I am up. I am doing things. And even though I am paying for it, I do it anyway. (And I somehow get the feeling if I just made the dratted bed, I would hop back into it later like I ought to...) So starting tomorrow, I think I am making the bed again.

-Three-

I have accepted that I am a size 4/5. It has been years since I was pathetically tiny. And I don't REALLY want to be that small. I like that I have a bum... (Usually) What I hate is that the cups of my bras can fit over someone's head like a hat... A really silly hat, but still... I think the best part about bing so incredibly skinny is that I could fit into smaller bras and not lug around that ungodly weight that bears down on my shoulders. (It is awful and I can't wait to be done with having children and breast feeding... Getting a breast job is the happy place I take myself to every time I have a thought about children. Why fight it. The thoughts come unbidden anyway now... So the next time you see me looking at children in the park or store or any other place, and I have a dopey grin on my face, you will know that the first 3-5 seconds are spent going "awww" and the rest is spent thinking how great I am going to feel and look with tiny perky breasts...)

All that was to say that I (actually/finally) woke up this morning feeling like I was back on track for trying to get healthier, rather than focusing on looking better. (I know that one goes with the other, but not the other way around... A diet of calorie free soda with or without cigarettes and coffee is just not good for you no matter how you look at it...)

So here's to being fitter and keeping a positive outlook on things...

Because face it, I thought I was *fat* when I weighed 86 pounds. I thought I was *fat* at 125 pounds. I really was *fat* at 178 pounds, but that was not for long and I did do something about it... I think I am fat now, but have come to terms with the knowledge that I will ALWAYS think I am *fat*. Like every other person on the planet. (I would have said female, but really, I know better...) So when I say that I am *fat* and I am 8 months pregnant, just smile and nod and tell me how radiant I am... (Wait, on second thought, don't nod... You never know about those hormone things...)

-Four-

Typing with nails takes a really long time. I became used to (ugly) short nails while in culinary school, and never really got used to having them longer since... So as a result, I just took a sip from my cup... It was almost tepid. I am happy about the tea, bummed about the typing... Not sure about what to do about the nails. (Other than the typing, I think I rather like them. Pretty girl hands that bring out my genetic trait for gesturing with my hands wildly while I speak...)

-Five-

I have no five today... I think it worked... (Yea!) Sop now you know a little more about me and I can go and create a pattern for Asian Summer Pajamas. (I am making The Boyfriend a set for an I love you gift. You know the kind that is a short kimono wrap robe and knee length pants... Something to wear around the house when it gets warm... I found some cotton fabric that is white sculls in a spiral pattern on a black background. He loved it when I showed it to him...) So off I go... (I'll work on the Hawaii Blogs later... Really...)

Recycling Question...

2008-03-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

I want to take up the challenge to live more greenly... Not a bad thing... Even if I don't reach my own personal hopes, I am still dong better than what I have been... So here's the question(s)...

Which things CAN be recycled?

I mean, I know that almost anything can be recycled, re-used, re-gifted, re-turned, reduced and so on... But when you live in a place that has those blue recycle bins, what CAN go in them? I have seen everything from plastic bottles, glass, plastic, cardboard, magazines, paper, plastic shopping bags, to cereal boxes, styrofoam containers and peanuts, clothes and shoes, even an old computer monitor. But I know that not all of that is going to the right place in those blue bins... And do you need to rinse out the cans and plastic bags? Can a pizza box really go in there?

So WHERE do you take the other things that can go someplace other than in a landfill?

And while I am asking...

What about composting? Is there a good way to do this? To avoid the smells? And what can go into that?

I know this is probably ambitious... But better to be armed with the knowledge and the ability to actually do something than to continue on in bliss and feigned ignorance. So please... Comment... Educate me. Or tell me where I can go to find out better answers... What works for you? What has not worked? What do the folks that you know do? How much is enough? How far is taking it all too far? And not to be forgotten, what can go into those blue bins?

As you can see... I am wearing a different kind of green today...
And I really do need the helpful advice...
Thanks!

Hawaii photos are up...

2008-03-14T16:12:00.000-07:00

Hawaii 2008

Hawaii Day Three...

2008-03-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

Day three was a slower day. (For me, but I rallied.) We did the Hawaiian rush, and were out the door by 9:15. (It is great coming from California, we get to sleep in, go at a leisurely pace, and STILL have the whole day ahead of us.)

The Boyfriend drove. We headed the jeep toward South Point and away we went for a tour of a coffee plantation. Kona Joe's, the only growers to use trellises for the plants. In fact, they have the whole thing patented. The result in a highly decorated, profusely awarded coffee. The best in the world, currently served in the White House, and simply the best coffee I have ever had. (And at $5.00 and ounce, or $250.00 a pound for a lower grade that is still the best I have ever had in my life, The Boyfriend agrees with me on this too, it is well worth the expense. Mmmm... As the Hawaiians say: Ono!)

We toured the plantation for about a half of an hour. And as a wonderful bonus, the owner, Deepa filled in and gave us the most wonderfully narrative about the process of the plantation, the plants and the local growers. We tasted chocolates, mac nuts dipped in chocolate, and coffees. I shopped. (Of course.) And we sipped our large cups of coffee on the lanai overlooking the plantation and ocean. (And since we both rarely have caffeine, and I almost never, we zinged along for several hours afterward.) It was so wonderful, and Deepa was so gracious and beautiful, that I am naming the Ti plant I hope to grow when we get back home after her. A true Hawaiian Goddess.

After the coffee plantation, we saw downtown Kona, had a picnic lunch at a little beach side park, saw the Heiu for surfers, took a ton of photos of the Little Blue Church, more photos at the Painted Church, and mistakenly found what we need to find for Thursday's adventures. The launching place for kayaks across from the Captain Cook Monument. A local, Regina, walked right over to us, introduced herself, and chatted. She is happy to rent us a double kayak at 7:30 on Thursday, just meet her right there. (Perfect!) She gave all sorts of local information and then pointed us in the right direction to get to the Point of Refuge, which we had been trying to find.

We spent quite awhile “burning film” as my Mother used to say. We saw the old Hawaiian village and tons of Tikis... We watched the sun start to set... It was beautiful.

Wary of driving the winding and twisting roads in the dark, we left before the completion of sunset. We did pause along the road so that The Boyfriend could snap a few incredible shots of the reds and golds of the sky... Just before reaching our main road, we avoided a huge black pig in the middle of the road... (Yes, we did feel like we should be looking for John Locke to be following along after it...)

And of course, we performed out Hawaiian vacation tradition. Cooking, showering, eating, passing out cold in bed.

Day Two of Hawaii...

2008-03-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the sound of a rooster crowing. It was dark. It was very early. There was no sign of daybreak anywhere. But the rooster thought there was, so he notified all within earshot that dawn was upon us every few minutes, like an alarm with a snooze button that you can't toss across the room to finally get it to stop. So I dozed until the sky lightened, jolting wake at every crow of the cock. (And in this context, I can say it that way and get away with it. No matter how you read that sentence, you will get my accurate meaning.) That's when the other island birds joined in the morning's chorus. Twitters and chirps and squeaks and squawks... Bird song in earnest. And the bugs joined in, humming and clicking and tapping the rhythm of the day. A few dogs, mostly little ones in the distance, participated. I swear I heard a monkey call out, but I don't think that's possible. There were several sounds that I could not identify... Perhaps they were the flowers? The breeze picked up and the trees, bushes and tall grass joined in with rattles, whispers and jingles...

You would think I would be annoyed at this point, and for the rooster part I was. The rest of it though, was the sounds of the island coming to life. Rearing up to greet the rising of the sun that was turning the whole sky pink and orange and red outside my windows. From the bed, I watched the morning shift into focus. Like a great watercolor streaking before my eyes to a grand symphony. (And then I realized that I was being selfish, so I nudged The Boyfriend awake so that he could bask in the glory of what is referred to as morning on the island. All I got for my troubles was a “shergggrrrmmpphhh- ohhh” before he rolled over and went back to sleep.)

After that we did the Hawaiian rush. (I have decided that this is the performing of tasks back to back, with no great hurry until all the things that need be done are completed.) Breakfast, showers, brushing of teeth (The Boyfriend forgot his, I offered to let him use mine- which he did, he offered to get me a new one- which I accepted.), getting dressed, making and packing lunch and snacks, and so on.

At 9:30 we were in the jeep and bopping down the bumpy dirt road. (I was driving with a wicked look of glee plastered on my face. The Boyfriend was hanging on for dear life and muttering something about letting me drive.)

I pointed the car towards Hilo and started out for the long journey to the opposite end of the island. (It was the starting point for the Adventure that I had planned out for The Boyfriend.) We stopped in Hilo for gas, a trip to Walmart for toothbrushes, and plate lunch. (Which was very good. We were offered four veggies, three scoop rice and a beef dish that was wonderful. We shared, it was huge, and we eat often.) Back on the road, The Boyfriend and I decided that I really am the one to be driving here. I drive like everyone else here. In no particular hurry, with no road rage, happy to pull off to the side to let others pass if they like, ambling along, and prone to stop in random places without warning or indication.

We drove past waterfalls in Waimea. We found the lighthouse. And searched without success for the Heiu. We saw Maui looming off in the distance. We saw the original statue of King Kamehameha. We walked along Banyon Drive and took photos of the gigantic trees. We found the tree house from the guidebook (Hawaii, The Big Island Revealed. The BEST guide book I have ever read for any location, ever.) We ate sandwiches watching the sunset. (It was beautiful.) We drove through a part of the Kohala Lava Desert. We made coral graffiti. (A giant heart with S+ A, it was The Boyfriend's idea. I love The Boyfriend.) We saw the signs for the Kona Nightingales. And then it was dark. Really dark. We stopped at the Walmart in Kona (For the water we had forgotten to get, again. A few souvenirs fell into the cart as well.) And I continued to drive.

I drove, and drove, and drove. (I let The Boyfriend drive for a short bit when we were looking for the lighthouse and the Heiau.) Down around Kona, Around South Point, and back to the house, I drove. In one day, we had driven around the whole of the island. (No small feat, I assure you. I have driven from one end of California to the other in less time.)

And, in what has become our Hawaiian Vacation tradition, I made dinner, we showered, and collapsed into bed, exhausted and blissfully happy.

Hawaii Day One:

2008-03-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

Day one was travel... A cab to the airport in Northern California. A plane to Honolulu Another plane to Hilo. A rental jeep to the house in Naalehu. It was a long day. By the time we got to our “part” of the island, it was dark, we were tired, grimy from the trip, famished, and lost.

We drove around and around and around. I counted three ambulances and five garage parties. (Note to self: be careful driving. Question for later: what is behind the parties in garages?) We did find a grocery store before we left Hilo. The traffic cop was wearing white gloves. (I love that) a white short sleeve shirt and dark blue/ black trousers. He looked very sharp. We did not think to buy water, ours is not potable. (It is a new house that is in the final phases of being put together and does not have the filters installed yet. The water gets collected from the runoff of the roof and stored in a huge tank. Really cool, but wow, that's a lot of rain.)

As we wee nearing the final miles of our long journey, we became very lost. The road we needed was not marked with a sign, so finding it in the dark was difficult. And I do mean dark. There are few street lights. When there are lights, they are yellow and our part of the island does not have any at all. So it really was very dark. And there we were, driving along on dirt and partially paved roads we had never been on looking for a street sign that was not yet there.

And then...

Right in front of us was a dog. An earnestly barking dog in the middle of the road. It was German Shepard, small by breed standards, huge by barking dog in the road at night standards. It came out of the bushes and came down to the jeep. It wanted us to go away from there in a big way. It corralled around the jeep and continued to bark at the doors as we turned around and headed back the way we had come. We figured that we must have gotten onto someones driveway, rather than a road.

So back down the road we drove. We made another turn, and there was the dog again. Barking and herding the jeep again. I was a little on edge by this time and The Boyfriend was thinking that this was a little odd. But since the dog was in no way going to let us pass, we turned around and continued to look for the road to the house.

And then suddenly, we were on it. We were not really sure how we found it, but there was a sign saying that we had found the second road we were looking for. (We never did find the first road, we just got lost enough to find the second road, thanks to the dog...)

So we started to look for the house. In the dark. Late at night. There are only a couple of homes near ours, and of course, they were all in bed for the night. So we drove up and down looking for house numbers trying to figure out which one was ours. None of them were. We were starting to think sleeping in the jeep was a good idea.

And then...

There was the dog. In the middle of the road. Barking urgently now. It started trotting to the jeep and barking at the doors. It circle the jeep and kept barking. It was decidedly herding us back down the road. So we turned around again, and started down the road. The dog barking it's escort along the way. The Boyfriend was driving ever so slowly, trying to not hit the dog that was determined to heel at the front right fender of the jeep. And then the dog stopped at what was a break in the tall grass. We looked to make sure it was no longer at the side of the jeep, and there, just past the dog, in the shadows, was the house! The dog had taken us right to the driveway of our house! We drove onto the driveway, and parked the jeep in front of the garage. Looking around, we did not see the dog, so we carefully got out of the jeep. There was no dog. Not a single sign of a dog anywhere, not even a bark. The dog had taken us home when we were lost, and then vanished. The Boyfriend said Mahalo to the island and we quickly unpacked the jeep.

(Of course we still had to hunt around in the dark for the key, and then hunt around in the (still dark) house to find the breaker box, but for the sake of the story, day one had reached it's close. The rest is all just dinner and showering, unpacking, and collapsing into bed...)

Oh, how could I have left out the part about eating dinner at the best restaurant in Hilo? My birthday dinner was at The Hilo Bay Cafe. It was TO DIE FOR!!! Great service, beautiful presentation, incredible food. The Boyfriend had the special fish of the day, a kind of pink snapper on a bed of spinach with a burre blanc and topped with mac nuts. Mmmm... I had the pork chop with asparagus and red onion mashed potatoes, a red pepper coulis and demi glace. Mmmm... We shared a pineapple cake with a whiskey butter sauce and topped with vanilla ice cream. Mmmm... Heaven on a plate. (They also serve local beer. The Boyfriend had one, to which he said: Mmmm...)

Made it home...

2008-03-10T09:33:00.001-07:00

... safe and sound and a little tired. But happy. Very, very happy. There is lots to share... But I have photos to sort through and then I'll begin the mass of backdated Blog and photo postings... Loved the island, really missed having the internet. Had a really great time, but ohhh is it good to be back...

5 Random Thoughts

2008-02-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

5 Random Thoughts:

01.) If I have to carry my laundry from the washroom to the closet, and 50 feet of the journey travels through the rain, do I still need to put the clothes into the dryer?
02.) Hmmm... My hair looks like a wig from 1980's Texas...
03.) Networking is work.
04.) Please don't let TSA take my water pistols... They are way too cool.
05.) Today is just not a day for matching socks.

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in February 2008:

2008-02-19T16:18:00.000-08:00

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in February 2008:

01.) finishing up projects
02.) reconnecting with friends
03.) creating new incredible recipes
04.) knowing that Dear Friends are jumping into new phases in their lives
05.) being off the pill is actually a good thing
06.) jelly beans
07.) finally seeing all of the LOST episodes
08.) post it love notes
09.) Valentine's pizza
10.) designer raincoats and windbreakers for more than 90% off
11.) beautifully made beds that look like they could be in a high-end hotel or magazine
12.) belly dancing on U-Tube
13.) waking up next to dimples each morning
14.) "NOT" craving coffee every morning
15.) discovering that the skinny girl on the elliptical machine next to you wears the same size pants as you
16.) 1970's green leather purses
17.) being able to leave the window open all day long
18.) cuddling on the sofa to watch movies
19.) resolving to not take on so many new projects
20.) meeting with more Legislators and bending their ears about breast cancer

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hope today, and every day, is your ultimate LOVE FEST!

Guess where I'll be tomorrow?

2008-02-08T13:51:00.001-08:00

I'm going on a visit. To speak to a Senator, if possible.

In an article written by Alicia Lanier, "Free Health Screenings at Feb. 9 for Women's Health Forum in Santa Clara Sponsored by Senator Alquist" it states that: "Senator Elaine Alquist, California Senate District 13, is holding a free Women’s Health Forum, Thriving with Change, in Santa Clara from 9 a.m. to 1:30 on Saturday, February 9, 2008. This is a great opportunity for women to obtain several free health screenings, including bone density, blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose, body mass index (BMI), and breast cancer prevention screening."

"You’ll also learn about health care programs and services provided by the state as well as health care issues being considered by the California Legislature. Keynote speaker will be former State Senator Jackie Speier. The event will be at the Santa Clara Senior Center, 1303 Fremont Street, in Santa Clara. For more information and to sign up (space is limited), call Senator Alquist’s office at 408-286-8318."

And yours truly just called the number above. I was told to "just walk on in". So please, come join me! I was also told that they will be taking down contact information for future events. (I love mailing lists! It takes so much digging out of trying to find out what is going on and making changes...)

Here is the link to the original post: Free Health Screenings at Feb. 9 for Women's Health Forum in Santa Clara Sponsored by Senator Alquist

And the link to Senator Alquist's site: Senator Elaine Alquist . She is the the State Senator representing the Heart of Silicon Valley. The 13th senate district covers much of Santa Clara County including the cities of San Jose, Sunnyvale, Santa Clara, Mountain View, and Gilroy.

Reconstructed clothing into hats...

2008-02-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

I found a new site! (Actually Rockstar Mommy did, but ohhhh it's new to me and I soooo love it!) It's called Tilly Jane and they make the cutest hats and accessories. Some for kids, but the hats for adults are just too cute! And they are all reconstructed clothing, which really makes my heart go pitter-pat... I love the eco-friendly stuff... I know, I am a Hippie that bathes... (I stick my tongue out at you...)

And of course the geek in me sees the connection between the Viking hats that are the rage right now, the Newsboy hats that have been in style for the past couple of years, and these (too cute for real words) hats. I love that everything old is new again... I thrill on seeing how each person re-invents the wheel and makes it their own. I love art and fashion...

From their website:

"What makes Faith's hats so special? Each of these stylish one-of-kind hats are made from recylced sweaters. Designed and handmade in Portland, OR -- Faith's hats are available in adult, toddler and infant sizes."

"Everybody loves these hats! Faith custom makes these one-of-a-kind newsboy style hats by recycling sweaters, so each hat is unique. Adult hat-band diameter is 21-Inches."

Need to go pack...

2008-02-07T12:07:00.000-08:00

So it has been a whirlwind year thus far my Dear Friends!

With so many people visiting and moving, the coming and going has taken up a monumental pace of entertaining dinner parties mixed in with socializing while moving things like beds and dressers from here to there. (Thank heaven Superbowl was one of the most boring and dull games in football history... It enabled me to squeeze in a few more hours with friends that I had been missing quite a bit... Well, the last three minutes were good, so it was not a total waste of pigskin, and there IS always next year...)

And in what is quickly coming down to days, we will soon be off to a wonderful tropical island in the Pacific... (Bring on the Mai Tai's and the Poi, let me see waterfalls for days and hike through volcano forests until my legs beg to be separated from my body and left behind to rest... Bring on the black sand beaches and the kayaks... Hawaii, here I come!)

I'll be sure to post up photos... That is, if I remember to pack the camera... (With all that has been going on, who knows WHAT I'll remember to pack...)

Hope you all are having a blast doing what it is that you do... I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your interviews go well, your jobs don't drive you insane, that school doesn't leave you without at least a little time to find a party and let it lose for a night... I hope that your endeavors are fruitful and your road trips are calm and without upset. Here's to all of my loved ones that are moving to far away places; may you settle in quickly, make wonderful new friends, and be ready for my visit sometime in the not too far off future...

And for those Dear Friends that are near to me, I'll be back in Mid-March and ready to bore you to tears with home movies, slides and photos of what has got to be the best birthday trip ever!

Circle... Circle... Circle...

2008-02-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here wondering if I can go through with this... This most wonderful of proposals to the most wonderful of men... (I say most wonderful of proposals because it is my first time proposing to someone... Most wonderful of men, because he is...)

I am about twenty hours or so away from completing my project... The project of my proposal... Before I ship it off for the final phase and wait for it to be delivered back to my overly anxious hands... But really... In the grand scheme of things... It's not that far off anymore. (Not when you think of how many hundreds of hours that have gone into this thing, how many hundreds of thousands of hours that I hope to spend with this most wonderful man...)

And I am wondering if I can do this... As in right now... Not knowing if I am sitting with a ticking time bomb in my chest or not... And finding out is going to be taking a lot longer than I thought. (I was really, really hoping on having this all done with before our vacation... But Now I start all over with another breast surgeon in the middle of March... And who knows what hoops I will have to jump through then...)

And I ask the question if it is fair to ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you, when you have no idea how long that will be. (And I am angry.) And I ask if it is right to ask someone to choose being with you if you know that the possibility of what you foresee in the future together may not really happen because of the very real possibility of... Of the unspeakable... (And I am angry and hurt... And feeling more than a little guilty.)

And then I ask if I would say yes if things were reversed. (And I would. Without hesitation.) And then I think it must be unfair of me to think these things and to be so selfish... (And I get angry all over again.) If he and I are really an "us", then who am I to think that I should make this decision all alone? Would I not be more than upset and hurt if this was all turned around? (And I would be... And then I feel ashamed...)

And then I wonder if I am just being selfish... For twisting things about to be how it is that I want them to be... (And I doubt myself and my thoughts even more than before...)

It is a vicious cycle... It is more than I bargained for... (But then, so is this wonderful man... He is so much more than anything I could have ever bargained for... And who bargains when it comes to love anyway? Who DOES that?)

And then I think I have only twenty or so more hours until I am done with this project... (And I get all puffed up and proud and excited like a child giving a gift to someone they totally adore...) And I just want this to HAPPEN...

The Boyfriend calls this "Circling"... Like a dog that spins round and round on the cushion before settling down to nap... And he is right... I do this...

Circle...
Circle...
Circle...
(sigh)
Circle...
Circle...
(wait, someone moved the cushion)
Circle...
Circle...
Circle...
Circle...
(sigh)
Circle...

I think it's time for a credit card...

2008-02-04T15:46:00.000-08:00

I spoke with the case manager at the Patsur Program... And the news is to the tune of $6,000.00... And they have never had a surgeon request a breast MRI before. So they don't think that they can cover it. But she is reassuring me that she is working on that... (And has been in the two weeks since I saw the surgeon... Without letting me know, of course...) So I am crossing my fingers that something will happen that is positive... (Like she really is working on this... But after the last handful of dealings...)

The surgeon warned me that the test was expensive... He had said about 3 grand... Plus FNA/LNA for the biopsy... (And while it has been almost a year since all of this has started, he discovered another location for concern... Time is not a friend in this sort of thing...) He said that the alternative would be more expensive, more invasive and more scarring... Not to mention, less effective... (That would be to open the breast up and do an old fashioned biopsy, and hope that he got the right location in the mass... Which would be fine if he were just going to remove the whole area, and then let me know if it was necessary for radiation afterward or not... But this whole wanting to have children thing is putting a damper on that... Not to mention that is just not how these things work... Though WHY that is, I just don't know, and no one else seems to either...)

So I am waiting... Again... Still...

And I think it may be time to get a credit card. The one with the highest limit I can get... I don't think they'll take my left arm as payment... They certainly aren't taking my breasts no matter how much I push for that... (A sick joke... I know... Sorry... Just frustrated...)

What I have left to say is this: When you are voting tomorrow... Ask yourself how important health care is to you... And how important it will be to you when you retire. Because I have Medicare. And they do not cover so many things. (Things like this...) Ask yourself if in a handful of years you want to be struggling to find a doctor who will even see you, let alone a hospital that will do the tests that you need to (save your life) lead a healthy life... And then vote for those that will support moving in a direction that will make sure American's do not have to continue facing such a grim future. So that one day, YOU do not have to face a grim future. (This is not something that I would wish on anyone...)

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in January 2008...

2008-01-30T09:21:00.000-08:00

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in January 2008:

01.) A wonderful New Year's spent with fantastic people
02.) Pink pajama parties with The Boyfriend
03.) Walks at sunset
04.) Crayola colored sunrises and freshly showered hugs
05.) Bento box lunches
06.) Bye bye birth control pills
07.) Making countless baby cards for my cousins
08.) Painting the Capitol PINK
09.) Making new friends and networking
10.) Only weeks until Hawaii
11.) Planning another Boyfriend Adventure
12.) Easy Stanford Hills Hike and picnic lunches
13.) Loving the one you LOVE
14.) Having incredible parents
15.) Siblings that are taking risks and following dreams
16.) Watching babies laugh on U-Tube
17.) Finally getting to see what LOST is all about
18.) Making food as pretty as it tastes
19.) Throwing dinner parties
20.) Finding a "steal" of a raincoat

Ohhh baby?

2008-01-25T10:25:00.001-08:00

Getting out of bed was difficult today... I just don't want to face what lies before me...

And you'll laugh, well, at least I am laughing over it...

It is the week for appointments... Being a female of a certain age, it seems that I am in and out of the Doctors for one reason or another... A lot... Earlier this week, it was to see the breast surgeon, who is asking for an MRI before he goes in for a biopsy. (He says that he does not want to drive blind and would rather have a map as to where he should biopsy, rather than run the high risk of getting a false negative. And since he found a secondary area that concerns him... Well... Let's just say that I really like this Doctor and appreciate that he does not prefer the quick cut and see method... I'd rather really know what we are facing... We are now waiting, again, to see if I am going to get the tests approved through the program that I am on... Otherwise, it is about $3,000 out of my pocket for the test and biopsies... What was that saying about getting water from a stone? Yup, if I have to, I will make that saying untrue... Somehow...)

Anyway... Todays appointment is of a different sort... And it has me no less dreading to go in... (And this is where it gets funny to me...) I am going in for my yearly female physical. And for the first time since I was 17, I am asking to be taken off of the pill. (Yup. True terror runs through my veins at this thought...)

When I was very little, my Mother sat me down and explained the facts of life to me. To the extent that I was disgusted at the things that the female body did and vowed that I would be different. (I was about 6...) Needless to say, I did not have that sort of magical control over my body, and it has become just like every other female's on the face of the planet... Fully functional. (Can you hear the kid in me still going Ewwwww? It is...) There were some really good side effects from my reaction to the biological... Like my addiction to prophylactics... (Safety is good... Avoiding the horrors of drainage is great...) Of course it has lead to the silly as well... More than one person has said in surprise: "What do you mean that you can't pee if I'm in the room?"... Yup... But those are just the little idiosyncrasies that I have, like everyone else...

When I was 17, there were some medical issues that came into light... And I had to face the possibilities that most women do not face (according to statistics anyway...) until they are 40 years old. I had it all worked out. I was never going to get pregnant. ever. Why would I want a... thing... growing inside of me? Making my body go through all of that and then having it worse off than it was before? No thanks. Count me out. Besides, there are so many beautiful babies from China that need adopting... And from that point on, I have always envisioned that one day, in the far off future, I would have a dark haired, Asian eyed, chubby cheeked little girl to call my own...

And then my Mother had to go and be right... (Yes Mom, I am putting it here, in my Blog, for all of the world to see... You were right.) I decided not too long ago that having a child of my own biological (how I still hate that word...) making would be a good thing. (Can you smell the smoke from the screeching of the brakes in my brain? The fumes are rolling out of my ears... They have been for about 6 months now...)

It's enough for me to want to put up Missing posters with my face on the front... WHO is this woman? And what have I done with myself???

So this morning, getting out of bed was difficult. Hey, I can take pre-natal vitamins... They are only vitamins and that is just being healthy, even if nothing comes from it... (And yes, I do know that one must actually have SEX to get pregnant, not take pre-natal vitamins...) But the act of going in and asking to stop the pill... (The pill that all but saved me more than once from what seemed like endless days of cramps, bleeding and PMS... Not to mention saved me when my hormones when into overdrive and I felt like I was a 15 year old boy in the middle of the hottest Sorority House... And for those of you who have been reading my Blog for a long time, you will remember those countless Blogs wondering if the sex drive in over-drive would ever return to something more manageable... Thank you to the mini pill and it's balancing effects on my body...) But going in there and giving up my security blanket... Can you just hear the ice cracking?

My Dear Friend suggested to me the diaphragm... A wondrous thought... Then I can still sort of have a say as to when this whole pregnancy thing gets under way... But the idea of doing that to my body still sort of scares me... (Alright, it really scares me...)

There are times when I wish that I was a man. They are few and far between, but THIS is one of those times...

Let him have it... The cramps and the bleeding, the bloating, the nipples so sensitive that he cries if I look at them. Let him be the one to deal with the after messes of sex, the wacky body temperatures, the hormonal changes. Let him go through the expanding of body, the softening of bones, worrying about the balance of nutrition and weight gain. Let him go through breast feeding and never sleeping more than a few minutes or hours at a go... Let him have to get the baby weight off, and have to look in a mirror at a body that will never be the same pretty body that it was.

(And yes, at 34, I have gained weight and lost weight, but my body has remained girlish... And I know that will change...)

Let him have to go shopping and spend money he does not have on clothes and shoes because he won't be able to wear what he has in his closet... Let him go through all of that and whatever else nature throws at women who become pregnant...

Let him do all of that... I'll be supportive and run to the store for cravings and rub his swollen feet. I'll tell him he is beautiful and that what he is doing is miraculous... I'll drive to the hospital and stay by his side when the delivery comes... And I'll even be encouraging when he is ready to loose the weight.

I want to have a child. I even want to have a baby. But the thought of going through all of that to have one... Leaves me wanting to stay in bed all day and miss my appointment. And somewhere deep inside of me, I know that he and I are in the right place to do this. that we have enough to offer to another being. We have the awareness of the responsibility and devotion that having a child requires. And I do want this, it's not a passing thing or a whim. (Not to mention that every time I so much as hear, or smell, let alone SEE this man, all I want to do is procreate... Hey at least this one time biological functions are not having a silly-girly effect on me... Or maybe it is that they still are...)

Perhaps, we will just get to a point where it will just "happen" and then that will be it. (I would say it would be great to go out and get smashed and wake up in that condition, but I have pretty much given up alcohol... And the more time that passes, the less and less I will be drinking... Sort of like giving up sugar... Now THAT one is hard...) But there is something to be said for getting caught up in the moment... Passion and not thinking of things like 10 months of torture... I don't know... Perhaps what I wonder is if I am the only one... I mean, with so many people on the planet, and so many of them women... I can't possibly be alone in my wishing for the miracle of the stork being a reality...

Yup... I wish for the Stork... And the Easter Bunny... And Santa Claus... And the Tooth Fairy... And that Chocolate did not have calories or caffeine... Yup... I want to visit the land of blissful (and admittedly childish) simplicity for just a little while... Say for about as long as it takes for me to conceive... That would be good... A nice vacation... Oh yeah... We leave in a few weeks... It's called Hawaii... Yea! There IS a Fantasy Island! And we have already booked the tickets... Life is wonderful...

Ps. to The Boyfriend: This does not mean that I am thinking of rushing the schedule... I thought about what I wrote and figured that it may sound that way... Only that islands of bliss and fantasy await us... Yup, I'm a nut over this, and you still love me for it... I know...

Crossing fingers...

2008-01-23T08:58:00.000-08:00

After almost a year... Ten months or so... Since last March...
This morning, I am seeing a breast surgeon. It's a consult. I may, or may not, get the biopsy done today...
Cross your fingers that I do...
I just want this done with already...

Day two of elbow sex... Um... Rubbing...

2008-01-22T23:23:00.001-08:00

It has been a long time coming... What I have been up to... But there is just no spare time when one is trying to save the world... Or at least young women with breast cancer... Or at least myself...

But at least I am going places... And fast... With possible funding for my Foundation through grants... And the offer of being recommended for intensive training for lobbying and pushing for legislative changes... Things are moving forward. (And I am very excited about all of the things that are going on... All of the incredible people that I have been meeting...)

Day two of the trip to the State Capitol went even better than Day one... (How IS that possible?) I took so many notes... (And with the help of the best interpreter I have ever seen, a little go-juice- okay... so it was three cups of coffee, and a great table-mate also taking copious notes, I think I actually got every word. Did I mention that there were handouts and power point presentations? Information rules!)

We participated in a Discussion Board that was filmed... As well as many of the top specialists in the breast cancer ares speaking, answering questions, and passing along the latest information.

The key note speaker brought tears to my eyes more than once. What an incredible woman!

And just like that, it was over as quickly as it had started...

But I go back soon to continue to make waves... Make changes... Make awareness... Make a difference... Make something... (Perhaps the something is more than a few Senators and Assemblymen go off running in the other direction because they are tired of my petitioning face...)

So there you have it... So much more to get done before I get to bask in the sun on the black sand beaches watching the lava flow in the near distance while I sip on a mai tai...

Ohhh yeah... Don't forget the umbrella baby...

Rubbing Elbows...

2008-01-18T08:11:00.000-08:00

Day one of rubbing elbows with officials, aides, and other activists went wonderfully!

I met some really incredible people... An inspirational pair of young women from the Young Survivors Coalition, courageous leaders willing to share their wisdom, officials that really WANT to make a difference, officials that don't and a 13 year old girl from San Diego who, along with her young sisters started a foundation called "You Go Girl". (You should check it out... She is going to be among tomorrows leaders...)

I am heading back for a one on one with an Assemblyman to follow up on the legislature that we are trying to get passed. (And I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how very, very excited I am over that prospect...)

So... All in all, Day One went so much better than I had hoped... And to think that I was having Eleventh Hour Reservations... I am so glad that I came.

I have a ton of photos that I took and when I head back into the real world, I will upload some of them... (It's just not possible from a Hotel computer...)

I have a day of training and symposium ahead of me... (I love learning, s this is actually going to be FUN! Just watch out... I ask LOTS of questions...)

So much to share with everyone about the great things I have learned, the information that I have been given, the discoveries that I have made... But later... Promise!

Well... I am off to be the poster child (eh... young woman... um... un-insured/ under-insured woman) that we are actually representing... (I have told my story so many times that I am beyond tired of telling it. But, I am not alone in this, and changes MUST be made... So tell and re-tell I do... (Thank goodness that I don't embarrass easily...)

Wish me luck! (Thanks for the well wishes yesterday! I did kick butt... I did take names... Actually, I really did...)

Turning the Capitol PINK...

2008-01-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is going to come very early for me. I leave in the dark to head up to the State Capitol. I am joining forces with Susan G. Komen for the Cure and their Community Challenge. We are spending two days lobbying and in lectures, training seminars, and press conferences.

I am very excited! I am on my way to making changes in yet another forum. (And it is my hope that I will be able to take what I learn, and the contacts that I make and be able to forward awareness for younger women affected by Breast Cancer...)

If you have the next two days off, and want to join us, it would be great to see you there!

I am including some of the information below.

Wish me luck! I am off!!!!!!! (Yea!!!!!!)

Komen Community Challenge:

"This is the war on breast cancer. We’re bringing it to Capitol Hill, and then we’re heading clear across the country. Susan G. Komen for the Cure is taking its special brand of pink ribbon activism on the road in a powerful grassroots effort to “Close the Gap” in access to quality health care, research and information. Over the next 25 years, five million Americans could be diagnosed with breast cancer – and because there are gaps in our system, this diagnosis will be deadlier for some than for others. That's wrong."

"So as we mark our 25th year, the Komen Community Challenge is hitting 25 cities, reaching tens of thousands of people at town hall meetings, roundtables, lobby days, and summits. We’re rallying to make breast cancer a national priority, to help “Close the Gap” in funding that keeps thousands of women from receiving life-saving breast cancer care. In order to do this, we extend the Challenge to draw 25 million new people into the fold. We must - because in the next 25 years, 25 million people worldwide could be diagnosed with breast cancer."

"Come One. Come All. We are the face and voice of the global movement. As local activists and global citizens we will mobilize millions to put an end to this dreaded disease – forever."

Sacramento, California

"The California Komen Community Challenge is coming to Sacramento, California on Thursday, January 17, 2008 – Help us turn the State Capitol PINK!"

"This January 17 and 18 is the first Statewide California Komen Community Challenge. We hope that you will join us and Californians from every corner of the Golden State at the exciting events we are planning!"

"In the lead-up to the February 5, 2008 presidential primary election, the whole country will be paying close attention to what California has to say. Join us as we restore the sense of urgency to the breast cancer movement on January 17 and 18 and help put breast cancer in the national spotlight so that we can end breast cancer forever!" Here are the details:

"Close the Gap!" Rally and Lobby Day

What: The California Komen Community Challenge - "Close the Gap!" Rally and Lobby Day

When: Thursday, January 17

* 10:30 a.m. - Press Conference at the State Capitol
* Noon - 1:00pm - Legislative Training Lunch at Sheraton Hotel
* 1:30pm - 4:00pm—Legislative Office calls
* 5:30pm - Rally & Lighting the Capitol Pink / West Steps of State Capitol (join us and get a free Komen T-shirt!)
* 6:00pm - Concert at Crest Theater in Downtown Sacramento

Where: Sacramento, California

California State Capitol ~ 1303 10th St, Sacramento, CA 95814
Sheraton Hotel ~ 1230 J Street, Sacramento, CA 95814
Crest Theater ~ 1013 K Street, Sacramento, CA 95814

Who: You and all your colleagues, friends, family along with breast cancer survivors, co-survivors and advocates!

How: It’s easy! RSVP today!

Community Educational Symposium

What: The California Komen Community Challenge - Community Educational Symposium

When: Friday, January 18

* 8:00am - Breakfast
* 9:00am - Symposium

Where: Sacramento, California / Sheraton Hotel ~ 1230 J Street, Sacramento, CA 95814

Who: Breast cancer survivors, co-survivors, advocates, stakeholders and community leaders.

How: It’s easy! Email info@komenchallengeCA.com to RSVP today!

"Susan G. Komen for the Cure is re-energizing and amplifying a call to action for the breast cancer movement. Pink ribbon activism will take hold of California’s State Capitol in January 2008. We need ALL breast cancer advocates to help us make lots of noise in Sacramento as we challenge decision makers to "close the gap" in policy and funding that keeps too many women from receiving lifesaving breast cancer care.Help us turn the State Capitol PINK!"

"For more information about the California Komen Community Challenge, email info@komenchallengeCA.com or call 888-247-5319."

The truth about me...

2008-01-15T12:05:00.001-08:00

When you are young, your life is filled with dreams... Hopes for the future... Grand plans and wild schemes. You have your whole future ahead of you... When you are in your twenties, you are bold enough to grab your life by the horns and try to squeeze the most out of every second of every day. You somehow manage to find a way to get an extra hour that time did not take into account. At least that is what it seems like for how much you put into each moment of every day... And then life catches up with you and you start growing up. Taking on more responsibilities...

Most people that I meet take their lives for granted. They move from one day to the next, sometimes marking the time by a special event or momentous occasion...

But for me... Every event, from getting up in the morning, to running an errand is momentous. Every action that I take, every conversation with every person, is a special event. At least it has been for the past seven years. (There are days that I cannot believe it has been as long as seven years, it seems like I was "normal" just yesterday... And there are times when I cannot believe that it has been seven years, it feels like an eternity has passed and that the end of my days stretches out to eternity...)

You can never see what the future holds... And I cling to that thought. It both brings me peace and terrifies me. But in the end, I embrace that thought. You see... For the past seven years, I have been living with a disability. One that others cannot see... One that rules my life, and I have learned to function within the confines of that dictatorship.

There are days that I cannot get out of bed... I actually spent most of the first few years bedridden or sofa-bound because I could not move for the pain that I felt. And there have too many times when I have become short of temper or seemed a non-committal flake because I could not push onward. And there are times that I am willing to do whatever it takes for just one moment, even if it means damaging my kidneys or liver or stomach lining to do so... (But we all have choices... And not all of them are "good"... Only we can define if they are "right"...)

My Mother in New York sent me an e-mail this morning. Enclosed was a message from one of her dearest friends, who also has a chronic illness, a life- altering disability... She had written to those that she loved and included a link to a very short story. A very clarifying description of what reality is like for those of us who live the lives that we do... AND IT MADE ME CRY...

Me, who rarely sheds a tear over this thing that I cannot change, shed enough that I now look all puffy and red. The story is beautiful in it's simplicity... It is poignant in it's truth... It is how I have always wanted to be able to explain things to those that I love... Those that are curious... And those that wonder WHY it is that I do not commit to something, or WHY I often back out at the last minute... Or WHY I plan everything so far in advance, but then leave it all open ended...

But for the record... While I hate what my life has become, I also am blessed by it... The appreciation that I have for every little thing is larger than life itself... I really do stop and smell the roses. I deeply inhale the aroma as it wafts past my nose. Everything that I do, I put my everything into... Because that is all I have... That moment. That moment must be memorable enough to savor during the "down times"...

For the past several years, my life is once again filled with dreams... Hopes for the future... Grand plans and wild schemes. And I know that I have my whole future ahead of me... I am bold enough to grab my life by the horns and try to squeeze the most out of every second of every day. I somehow manage to find a way to get an extra hour that time did not take into account. At least that is what it seems like for how much I put into each moment of every day... And even when life catches up with me and I have to slow things down again, disappear for a time, I know that I really have come a long way towards growing up. And I am at a place in life where maybe, just maybe, I can start taking on more responsibilities... And so the cycle never really ends..

So... Please... Cut and paste on the link... Click on it... But take the moment to read the story... It is short... and it can say everything that I have always wanted to, but never quite knew how...

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

And then you will understand the photo at the top of this blog...
As well as what is the largest part of my life...
That part I have worked so hard to keep hidden in my desires to appear just as I was before...
Just as everyone else is...
How do I love you.. I give you one of my spoons...
How do I trust you... I show you my weakness...

Happy thought for the day...

2008-01-14T13:31:00.000-08:00

So what is it that you feed a balloon dog anyway?

The laughter of children...
The smile on an observer's face...
The dancing fingers of the clown that made it...

Thought that might brighten your day...

My personal happy thought... Trekking about the hills of Stanford with my best friend, and then sharing a picnic while looking out at the most incredible view...

What is your happy thought?

Overheard in the bedroom...

2008-01-12T16:02:00.001-08:00

Me: Blueberry Coffee Cake... I need Blueberry Coffee Cake...

The Boyfriend: No you don't, it's bad for you...

Me: Mmmhmmm... Bluuuuueberry Coffee Cake... I even dreamed it last night...

The Boyfriend: Really? I don't know who this Blueberry Coffee Cake fellow is, but I'm beginning to t think I need to kick his ass...

Me: (giggle)

(What makes this funny is that The Boyfriend is also known as Chocolate Cake.)

So we had fantastic (healthy) egg white omelets for breakfast that The (wonderful) Boyfriend made... And I am still craving a nice slice of Blueberry Coffee Cake. The breakfast food, not a delectable fellow whom I have yet to meet... There is always tomorrow for expanding the waistline...

So here it is...

2008-01-09T13:57:00.001-08:00

I have two resolutions for the year...

I am resolving to be a better friend this year. To my friends, those I am blessed to have, those I have not yet met. To my family, those close and those far. To myself, because it is important to nurture myself so that I have more to give to those I care about.

I am resolving to live a healthier lifestyle. I am focusing on diet and exercise, as well as increasing the positive energy by letting go of the negative for good. (I have discovered that I really do have a desire to procreate... And I want to do everything that I can to be as healthy as possible. And if nothing comes of my desires and planning, then I have still gained a healthier body and lifestyle.)

So there you go...

There are lots of other resolutions that I could make, but I like to make those on my birthday... And admitting that I want a child (gasp) is huge. The upcoming blogs may visit my thoughts on that... Since there are many of them rolling around in my head. How is it that something so great, so wondrous, can raise up such mixed emotions of the unknown?

Been awhile...

2008-01-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

Okay... So it has been awhile since I last blogged... But I have to admit that with all of the writing that I have been doing over at the Breast Cancer site, I am all but written out. And when I am not, I feel guilty for blogging for pleasure.

But...

Time is passing by and the desire for posting is growing... Even though it has been so long and there is so much to catch up on...

All I really want to do is take a nap. It is one of those days. The kind where the flannel sheets beckon and invite enticingly. The kind that slips past unnoticed for its want of curling up with a good book. (I even tried to nap, but my eyes refuse to shut. Dratted eyes for being responsible! I would love to be a bed-bum today...)

The Boyfriend is back at work...
We just spent the most perfect weekend in my existence together...
I have come to terms with my (temporary) website limitations...
I am excited about the future, both immediate and long term...
I have packed so heavily this trip that I finally feel like I have things to wear and stuff to do...
And last night I chose to revel in the most perfect daydream rather than take my chances with real dreams...
I have two resolutions for the year...

Life is moving forward.

Thank goodness!

I had the opportunity to get a really good look at where I was last year, as well as the year before, this past weekend. And I am happy to see where I am at this year. I can see where I might be next year. Something I have not been able to say in a very, very, very long time. And while I would never hazard to say that I see things "for sure", I can see many of the different possibilities that lie ahead, and I look forward to them.

And when I get the balls enough to spill the beans about where I am heading in life, I will...

(Funny, I can toss the idea about in my head for the past year, I can talk about it with my closest friends and loved ones, but to post it in a blog... To write it down at all... WOW... It makes it REAL... And while I want it to be real, it is still scary to go there. And yes, I just admitted fear so you know I'll be blogging it and facing it soon. Talk about dropping the gauntlet on one's self...Sheesh!)

What I am up to now...

2007-12-26T00:32:00.001-08:00

I came across this a while ago, but not too long ago... And thought "why not?"... So I started my own list at: We are what we do...

Curious?

Why don't you give it a go?
http://www.wearewhatwedo.org/actiontracker/display.php?valid_user=15741

Selfish blogging...

2007-12-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

Today I am blogging for selfish reasons. At least that is how I have come to think of it. I am blogging just for me. Not to save the world. I have been writing so much and making post after post, but not really about the things inside my head. And really, sometimes there are other thoughts upstairs that just get lost in all of the pink HTML jumble.

This morning, I have a list of things that I have to decide upon. Things to decide if they are worth it or not. Like picking battles. Kind of like breast cancer kills, but tinnitus doesn’t so my disability goes by the wayside in terms of getting help and looking for creative solutions. (Yeah, we forgot about that one huh? I can hear the thoughts of “disability?” from here. That’s okay, for the first time in almost eight years, I almost forgot about the chronic pain an headaches. And if it were not for the bell tower that has decided to continuously call all the invisible monks to matins this morning, I would still be focused on painting the town pink.)

Here is what I have on my plate:

To embrace the pink ribbon or not? Sounds like a silly question, and yes, it is still about breast cancer, but it is a big thing right now. (And also the dilemma I have chosen to hide all the other personal dilemmas under.) It is a genuine question and decision that I need to face though. With all of the skepticism of Charities these days, and part of my foundation’s aims being to point out the holes that exist, do I wrap myself up in the pinkness and beribboned banners of the sea of breast cancer organizations?

On one hand, it is identifiable to those I am asking for help. The Mothers, the children, the teenagers, the congressmen, the media, the world as a whole. It saves me in marketing and in brand (or in my case, CAUSE) identification. People like to be able to sort things into place easily, but I don’t want to get lost either, or mixed into the fall out that is currently going on. And I want something that the 15-25 year olds are going to embrace, those that walk around proudly exclaiming that they were “made in the 80’s”. (I laugh every time I see one of those tee shirts, turns out that making money wasn’t the only thing Yuppies were doing. There are a lot of those shirts.)

I have to find a way to update the ribbon to set myself apart from the rest, but not alienate them either. (And yes, I just realized that I am calling the foundation “me” and “I”, and no, there is not a difference inside my head or my heart.) My Mother has been asking if I am going to go down the ribbon path or not, and we talked about it quite a lot this week getting ready for her Holiday party. (And I must admit that Sears has the most beautiful gold and diamond CAUSE ribbon pendant that I have been coveting since my Mother pointed it out last night on their commercial. And all last night I danced about in it in my dreams.)

And we did talk about how it would be a very useful conversation piece as I meet more and more people, and as shy as I am, I need all the help I can get starting the conversation. (turns out that passion inspires though, so I am good as soon as I get going… But ohh the going…)

So I am leaning towards pink. But with tons of black. Not so suicide girls that I alienate the Boomers, or take away the Princess aspect for the Thirty-Somethings, but something a little more urban. Something along the “Keepin it real” vibe. And it is almost there.

And, as is typical, just the act of writing it down here has sorted through most of my thoughts and landed them into a place where I can go forward. (Perhaps tonight I wont dream about all the people that I used to know as friends, but not the closest friends, telling me to go away, that I did not fit in, and having to decide what the balance was for fitting in, standing out, and when to make a statement in the gigantic pink marble palace we all lived in together. Yeah… My dreams are not telling or anything are they?)

But, with that dilemma dissipated, it leaves the underbelly of decisions exposed. And I face my Father in a couple of hours…

I need to figure out if this is something that I need to explain to him. I mean, I know that I am going to explain the Foundation to him, he knows about it. But I need to figure out if it is important to ME if my Father gets me on this one. Because quite frankly, he does not think I am doing what I should be right now. What is it that he is wanting me to do? Be perfect, like any parent right? That is fine, I am sure I will ask that of my children too someday. But my Father does not ask a child to be perfect by being themselves, he asks them to be perfect by fitting into his ideals. (Though I can hear the screaming denials from here.)

What does he want?

I am involved with the most incredible person I have ever met...

AND he fits into the family…

I am on the path of getting married...

And having babies...

I am settling down...

I don’t go out and party it up, actually, I hardly go out at all, which is even better…

I have mended the bridges with my one Brother and maintain a bond with my other Brother…

I am doing philanthropic work that can make a difference in the world…

I am doing the tap dance of the century, and even looking lovely while doing it too…

What is it that he wants?

The one thing he never wanted from me before.

He wants me to do something that makes money.

So I laugh inside that it is like he asks for the moon, but does not give you the spaceship in which to travel there.

But when you get there anyway, and bring him the moon on a silver platter, he decides that what he wants is the sun instead. And while I have turned into a radiant Diana..

I refuse to become an Icarus for anyone.

I guess I have that answer too then…

Funny that it does not hurt at all.

It just makes me sigh to think that I am still wanting to preserve the peace and maintain the relationship that I do have with the man that is my Father… Ohhh… It is going to be a lovely day… I think I am going to head over to my Aunt’s first. I am calling in the re-enforcements for this one. (No one is going to throw melted wax and feathers at my pink palace…)

As to the issue of my eating everything in sight… Kiss my oversize behind…

As my Brother says, it is big enough that you’ll be kissing the right cheek for quite some time.

And by the time you are done, I’ll have hit my head against the wall again several more times for doing emotional and stress eating, yet again. One mountain at a time. And I have enough climbing to do today…

But if you feel like pointing out any of this in a week or so, I may just return the tushie kissing favor…

Be prepared, I tend to lean in from the left…

Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in December 2007

2007-12-11T09:28:00.001-08:00

Okay... So I have not done one of these in ages. and I could come up with a list of reasons of WHY I was not focusing on the positive, but I think that would sort of defeat the purpose.

Here are my (long overdue) Top 20 Reasons to be HAPPY in December 2007:

01) Finally getting a mammogram and ultrasound
02) Receiving an abundance of support and help when I asked for it
03) Being strong enough to ask for help when I needed it
04) Meeting The Boyfriends friends and really liking them
05) Visits from my Brother
06) Being able to give back all that I have received and possible make a difference
07) Trips to the tropics in the dead of winter
08) Getting older, but not really looking or feeling older
09) Creating my own "recipes" and having them be fantastic
10) Sleeping on flannel sheets
11) Waking up to a clean house every morning
12) Completing out my set of new dishes
13) Bargain shopping
14) Great customer service
15) Having great conversations on airplanes
16) Getting a totally cute yellow PT Cruiser as a rental car
17) Walks in the cool crisp air
18) Catnaps in the late morning sunshine that streams through the windows
19) Learning to do something totally new and foreign
20) Old fashioned body length wall heaters heaters that are perfect to stand in front of when it's cold outside

Look what I can do now...

2007-12-08T23:20:00.000-08:00

So The Boyfriend has agreed to take on the monumental task of teaching me how to create my website. From the bottom up. Or perhaps I should say from the inside out. Or from the open HTML bracket to the close HTML bracket.

No matter which way you phrase it, it ends up equaling a huge, gigantic, mind boggling experience. Mostly for The Boyfriend who spent most of my first lesson scratching his head at my gazillion questions.

It only took a pair of mirrored closet doors, a red dry erase marker, and about an hour before I hit saturation point.

But I did manage to retain some of the lesson... I only needed a small amount of guidance to point out that I had left one dangling opener... (And no, that is not like the can opener hanging off of the counter by the cord, which is what I would have thought as recently as dinner time...)

All in all... Not too shabby...

At this rate, I will be able to create my website in no time flat. (No time in relation to the seven days that the creation took verses the age of evolution for the dinosaurs...)

Anything is possible:

I will really be able to say goodbye to sugar and chocolate for good this time...
I will someday stop dreaming of coffee...
I will finally take advantage of my gym membership...
I will go to Hawaii looking like a coppertone spokesmodel this spring...
and...
I will actually create and run my website in a reasonable amount of time...

Oh, and let us not forget the most important possibility of all:

The Boyfriend will not loose his mind while teaching me to be a sexy hot geek...

Yup...
Anything is indeed possible.
(And just to show a little proof to the above statement; the photo is a screen shot of my very first webpage! Just click on it to see what I did. It's cute, I know... Simple indeed... But I did it!) I guess this alluring nerd is on her way to becoming a sexy hot geek after all...

(Disclaimer: After the week I have had, I am totally rocking the hot, sexy, alluring, incredible vibe. In a week or two, all normal realities and perceptions of self should be shifted back into place...)

The trip went well...

2007-12-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

I flew into Portland...
rented a really cute yellow PT Cruiser...
met many fabulous people...
went to the hospital...
had the Mammogram and Ultrasound...
got the results in the same day...
spoke at great length with the Radiologist...
visited with The Boyfriend's family...
and flew home in just a couple of days...

Oregon rocks!

The Mammogram (of course) showed nothing. My breast tissue is way too dense for even the new digital Mammogram machine that they put me on. (And the poor technician tried several times to get the shot to no avail.)

The Ultrasound showed a fibrous mass about 2cmx5cm... Not a cyst. (But we knew that already.) The Radiologist came in a spent a long time going over the images with me. He explained why he was very confident that I did NOT have breast cancer, that it was a fibrous mass.

The hospital staff was incredible! They called for several hours down to California to get my referrals faxed up. (Since after three straight days of calling and requesting them to be sent up for the appointment had yielded nothing. Par for the Californian course.) Finally after getting a barely readable fax, they whisked me right in to the tests. Then they processed the results and wrote up the reports so that I would not have to come back to speak with the Doctors. AND they are mailing a copy of everything, including a disk with all of the images to my home in California. No problem. And everyone was a sweet and kind and supportive as could be.

(And I am quite sure that the case manager that I had in Northern California was rather embarrassed by the whole thing. She actually called me to let me know that the hospital sent her the results and that she is sending them to a breast surgeon for review. I should be scheduled for a biopsy after the holidays, sometime in January. (Just to be on the safe side and definitively rule out the possibility of cancer.)

So the verdict for now:
No Breast Cancer.
Confidence is high that this will remain the same after the results of the biopsy.

And to top it all off...

The Boyfriend's Mother was wonderful. She was almost like having my own Mom there. She held my hand and walked me through the whole thing. And it was because of her that any of it was possible in the first place. (She was the one who got the cancellation and appointments for me. She took care of all of the paperwork and led my zombie body from one room to another until the whole thing was over. And then she cooked a fabulous home-made vegetable soup for dinner to make me feel better.)

Needless to say, the visit went so well, that I stayed chatting with her so long that I did not get a chance to drive around and see Portland like I had hoped to. But Portland will always be there, the chance to build a bridge or mend a fence is special indeed... (And I think she was rather intent on keeping me longer if she could. She even sent me to the airport with a package of ginger cookies... Yup... She is a sweet Mom...)

Question of the day...

2007-12-04T17:43:00.001-08:00

Q.) What does a young woman in California have to do to get a Mammogram and Ultrasound?
A.) Leave the state.

I leave tomorrow for testing the day after that.

Really?
Yeah...

This is me with my head burried...

2007-12-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

Too much is going on.
The world is spinning too quickly and I have talked until I am hoarse.
So I am going to be an ostrich and plant my head in the ground for the rest of the night.
This is me with my head buried in the sand.
And the photo is my happy place of the moment.

Everybody needs a hat...

2007-11-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

My sister-in-law is doing this great hat contest on her Blogsite. Every day for a week a talented artisan is creating a special hat- and giving it away through MommyMommyLand's contest. (And yours truly is making one of the hats to be given to a very lucky winner.)

You should check out her Blog: MommyMommyLand

Enter the contest...
Maybe win a cool new hat...
See adorable photos of my nieces and nephews
Pick up a recipe or two...
Enjoy the perspective of a wife and mother of four as she grabs life by the horns...

Just click on the button below...

I really need to scream right now...

2007-11-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

You know that famous piece of art called The Scream by Edvard Munch? That is exactly what I look like inside my head. And if it would not frighten the neighbors, I would really be screaming right now. I am that frustrated.

I got a call back from Susan, the breast health case manager at the Mar Monte Planned Parenthood in Sunnyvale. She called to get a local address to send my mammogram appointment information to. (I had written down my mailing address and it is about 550 miles away. Not exactly local.) After explaining to her that I travel frequently and did not know where I would be between now and the appointment, but I would most certainly be in town for the appointment, (whenever that was) we decided that I would give her a local address that forward the information to me if need be.

I asked Susan how long it would be before I would get to be seen for the Mammogram and Ultrasound. (So I could continue to make sure that I was indeed in town.)

"It is just a Mammogram", she said.

"It is supposed to be for a Mammogram and an Ultrasound", I told her. "That is what the Doctor said."

Susan said that she had me listed for a Diagnostic Mammogram.

(What? I am 34 years old. Which in breast cancer years is practically infantile. My breasts are dense. They are huge. They defy gravity. Every medical professional I have ever seen has advised for an Ultrasound to go with the less than definitive Mammogram.)

"Fine. Any idea how soon I might be able to get that done?", I asked.

"Well it takes a few months for a regular Mammogram, but since you have an existing lump it may only be a couple of weeks. But I can't really say."

When I asked Susan if I was able to finance the tests another way, like through a credit card? (Or perhaps by picking dollar bills off of the money tree that I keep hidden in my closet, or the Leprechaun and his pot of gold that I keep stashed away in my sock drawer... I thought it, but refrained from saying it...) How long would it take to get a test then? Could I be seen right away? She really could not say about that either. She had no information on Mammograms that were outside of the Patsur Program.

I thanked her and we hung up. (And this was the same Susan that was so helpful when I called to get an appointment in the first place. Perhaps she is having an off day. Perhaps she found out just before my last call that she won an all-expense trip to Paris and was happy to help. But today's version of Susan was less than happy to help. And she was less than helpful. But I remained polite. After all this woman holds the fate of my breasts and my life in her hands. That is, unless I can locate someplace else to get a Mammogram and an Ultrasound.)

So I am ready to scream. I have never been so frustrated in my life. After this, if I am still alive and able to have kids, I will make a great parent. I will have the patience of Job, or a Buddhist Monk, or the Dali Lama, or Mother Teresa. (Though I bet at least Mother Teresa felt her patience tried. Have you seen the look in her eyes in some of those photos? I would be willing to stake my life on it that Mother Teresa wondered to herself "why?" at least once or twice. And if she didn't, then I would not be any worse off than I am right now. Waiting with my life in limbo.)

I want to go to Japan. I saw a thing on TV once about how in Japan, business men pay $20.00 for a plate, just so that they can throw it down this deep hole in the floor and watch it break into a million pieces. I bet that felt good. (I would throw my phone, but I need that. Someone else may call to tell me that I have even longer to wait before getting a Mammogram. You never know...)

What I don't get, is that I have a lump. A big lump. An ugly, scary, "suspicious" lump that you can feel even if you have never done a breast exam in your life. Really, it is that big. Apricot pits envy the size of my lump. And I can't get a Mammogram to save my life. (Now that's funny. Sick, twisted, and darkly funny. I may never use that phrase again. Puts things into perspective. "I can't get a Mammogram to save my life" is horrifying and possibly accurate. I can't get a good cup of coffee in this town to safe my life" is just insensitive, shallow, and rather melodramatic.)

Truthfully, I really don't know where to go from here. I am not admitting defeat. But right now, I just don't know what else to do, what rock to go looking under next, who to contact that I have not already, or what happens next.

Damn. There goes the anger and here comes the tears. (I'd ask for a tissue, but I think I would run the risk of being told no for some asinine reason. Like women under the age of 40 don't shed tears, so there is no need for you to waste a tissue on tears that can't possibly be streaming down your face, even though a blind man could reach over and confirm that yes, indeed, your cheeks are unexplainably wet... Horrible run on sentence, I know. But you get the point.) At least I still have my sense of humor... I guess it's not that bad after all...

Know of a good Fish and Chips place?

2007-11-26T17:31:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know of a good place to get Fish and Chips in Sunnyvale or Mountain View? (If that is all you read and you post up a comment as to a good place, then I LOVE YOU!) And if the place is not too loud... Then life is grand. If they serve them for lunch, then I am in heaven. And will go there tomorrow.

I have been so buried under all of the BeCAUSE stuff that I have not had hardly a second to post a Blog about anything else. (I have about 50 posts made in the past two weeks for the BeCAUSE Blog, and another 30 sitting in drats to be completed. There just is not enough time. (But I seem to recall there not really ever being enough time to get to everything... We really need to get some Steam Punk kid to get busy on that whole time machine thing, or a machine that slows or freezes time. Or how about a Harry Potter Nutter inventing one of those gizmos that Hermione Granger uses to take all the classes at Hogwarts and then saves the "day"... I'd happily take one of those.

Yesterday was a great day. I had a stuffed mailbox every place I logged into. All the support is so incredible. It makes it well worth all of the long hours I have been spending hunched over the computer pushing myself to just push past it all and do just one more post. Just one more letter. Just one more registration. Just one more thing.

It is a very good thing that I love to do research and that my idea of a killer date is a lunch in the sunshine and a few hours spent in the library pouring over old dusty books. (Of course it is too cold for lunch in the sunshine, but there is always lunch in front of the window... And I am not being taken on dates to the library, I am escaping the laptop by going to the bookstore tot get books on programming, websites, and filing the proper forms with the right people... But really, it is still good. At least I think it's good. I'll just keep telling myself that and then it will ALL be good.)

And to top it off, I am having cravings... I got a text about dead fish and all I could think of was "FISH AND CHIPS!!!"... I thought I lost that craving, but guess not. I am supposed to be on a "diet" to get off the 10 pounds I let sneak back on... But now all I can think of is fish and chips...

Does anyone know of a good place to get Fish and Chips in Sunnyvale or Mountain View?

What I am Thankful for...

2007-11-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

Here it is... What it is that I am Thankful for... A little late this year, but things just have not been "of the usual" for the past couple of weeks...

It is one of those times, that time stands still, and there is no comprehension that a moment flashes past in an instant and so does an hour or ten. It is this drive and passion that courses through my veins and fills me like nothing else, and yet leaves me emptier than ever before. This thing that I have let into my life, my world, my heart... This cause, this need, this space of where I am suspended... It is where I was meant to be.

Have you ever felt like you were meant to meet someone, or hear something at just the right moment, or do something, or be something, or anything along those lines? If you have then you know what I mean when I say that is how I am feeling right now. (And I feel awed and blown away and thankful.)

Have you ever felt like you have spent your life in training? That all of the choices that you made, the things that could be called mistakes were all important lessons to get you to where you are right now? And that where you are right now is going to be important to where you will be in a hundred tomorrows? Or a thousand? Have you felt that all the learning that you have done is just to help prepare you for the next thing, the next level, the next stage, and then the next one after that? If you have, then you understand how I have been feeling for sometime. (And I feel the progression of things and the evolution of life and I embrace the changes. And I am thankful for that.)

I have felt the pressure and the drive and the heat and fire of life. And lately, I have felt as if there is not enough time, as if it is slipping away too quickly and tomorrow is already spent. But I do not feel wasteful or regretful. (And I very, very thankful for that.)

And with everything that has gone on over the past year, and all of the changes and all of the trials and all of the adventures and new ventures, I have felt loved and supported as never before. (More than anything, I am thankful for that.)

And now... Wrapped up in the fluffiest lap blanket know to man, curled up in The Boyfriend's recliner, with my feet propped up and the laptop sitting on my legs increasing the warmth of the blanket, I am going to return to my research and writing... I am feeling decadent here... I have imported cookies from Germany, the best I have ever had in my life. Fabulous leftover Chinese takeout sitting on the table next to me, and piping hot honey-water percolating in the brewer pretending to be tea... It is a strange mix this being a productive bum thing.

It is almost as great as the new dog I discovered. (As in new to me... Turns out that my Mom in New York had one of these as a kid, and that is the very same kind of dog that I fell in love with through all of her stories... Who knew?) A dog that is smart, fluffy, soft, playful, full of energy, easy to train, good with children, big but thinks it's a lapdog, obedient, and HYPO-ALLERGENIC!!! It is my dream of dogs. I have my heart set on a female one now... But who knew such things existed?

What's that commercial about strange combinations?
Whatever it is... It's like that...
And you can bet I am beyond thankful for that!)

The smell of turkey is in the air...

2007-11-22T10:53:00.001-08:00

And so is curry and garlic and something that I just can't place my finger on it. But whatever it is, it is good and it is making me hungry already.

That is the nice part about Thanksgiving here. I think that there may be only one or two apartments that may be cooking a traditional turkey today. The smells wafting in the window from around the courtyard are an eclectic melting pot of tastes, flavors, and cultures. It is like a melting pot turkey... And I don't mean the deep fried kind.

The Indians have been bustling about all morning, coming and going in their beautiful flowing silks and saris. There are folding chairs on some of the porches that are just waiting to be brought inside when the rest of their families arrive.

The Chinese family directly across from The Boyfriend's has been chasing their cuter than possible daughters back inside for a couple of hours now. They are in the frilliest, puffiest dresses with jeans on underneath. I just love that.

The Russians next door have been banging about in their kitchen since six this morning. Every time she chops vegetables it sound like she is knocking to be let in. Something that we have laughed about over many an evening. But today, she chops like she really means business. Oh, and I think she is expecting a tiny Russian soon... Like in about three or four months... I am not sure and the language barrier is a rather large one at this point, but it sure looks like it. I'll wait another month or two and then see...

The Latinos a floor below and a few doors down keep yelling with excitement and clapping their hands... I'm not sure at what, it's a little early for the game... Perhaps the Macy's Parade is really good this year. But without real TV, I am at a loss to actually see for myself.

Yes... This is where you tell me that I am more than a little like Mrs. Kravitz on the old TV show; Bewitched. And perhaps you might be right. But I might also have to point out that the elderly Asian woman that keeps stepping out to sweep her pristine front porch that I am quite positive has not had a speck of dust on it since she moved in, is much more fitting to that claim. Young Kravitz in training is more accurate.

I know the names of most all of the children that live in the apartments that share this little courtyard. (And that is no small feat. There are a couple dozen of them, most under the age of six or seven.) I can tell which families like to entertain. (The Indian families near the front and the Latino family near the laundry room.) Which like to keep to themselves... (The neighbor directly beneath us. And thank goodness for that. Ever since we broke The Boyfriends bed I have been mortified to show my face at whatever they might think. Come to think of it, I've never even seen who lives there. If the blinds didn't twitch as we walk by, I'd swear that the place was vacant.) I know what time of day is best to get the laundry room all to myself. (11am) When the mailman comes (Right after lunch.) And how often the gardeners come. (Which is way too often and way too early by the way...)

And of course with all the lugging of suitcases that The Boyfriend and I do, I can only imagine what the neighbors think of us... (And I am not even going to wonder if they all heard the bed break. I am not... I am not... I am not...)

So today is going to be a somewhat peaceful day for me. Just me and the pizza I am baking this afternoon. I am having a nice glass of Cabernet for company. This may actually be the first Thanksgiving where I put food onto my plate and then EAT it. Sorry, I am just not a big fan of Thanksgiving fare. Though I might just miss the pumpkin pie... Maybe just a little bit... And the olives. The olives that usually keep me from starving each year will be missed. (And if the stores were not going to be so incredibly insane today, I might have the urge to go and get a jar for the sake of nostalgia...)

Yeah... I spoke too soon. The Blogging was interrupted by a phone call from my Father already laying on the guilt trip and claiming that next year we are all going to be having Thanksgiving at his house. He spent what seemed like an eternity harping on the fact that he deserves to have us all over more than the other parents do... And that it is his turn.

Can you see why I am so happy to be here alone eating my homemade deep dish pizza and guzzling down a bottle of wine, while The Boyfriend is doing the family tap dance up in Oregon without me? And to think, my Father is going to be calling me again this afternoon to remind me that I owe him and that The Boyfriend needs to be there too... And to call my brothers and torment them on his behalf... Perhaps I should withhold any partaking of any red beverage that makes great legs upon the glass... I do not need to loosen my tongue upon my parents as they battle it out for the parental right to tear their children in two. I need to just wait until the day passes and then let them know that next year I will be in deep cover somewhere in the amazonian jungle and there is no cell service to be found for miles and miles...

Oh how I hate this holiday... I think I am going to have a glass (or two) of wine after all... (And by after all, I mean as soon as I can figure out how to open the bottle. I was never good at getting that little cork out of the top properly...)

Ahh... Vino... Take me away...
And bring the pizza with you...

Going Wherever my Feet take me...

2007-11-21T21:16:00.001-08:00

I am not sure if I have posted this album up yet... But it keeps getting bigger and bigger as time goes on... So I am posting up a slide show of it...

About the Boyfriend...

2007-11-20T20:10:00.001-08:00

It seems to come up often about why I refer to the person I am involved with as only the Boyfriend… And it may seem to some to be a little less than what it really is to me. For others, those who have been following my Blog since the beginning, that name caries much weight.

I invite you to go back through my Blogs and follow along my twisted and tangled path to where I am at now… Though I do understand that I am somewhat prolific and that may be daunting, even for those that are avid readers. To that end, I am willing to offer up a much shortened and somewhat censored recap of why…

The last “boyfriend” I had, was almost eight years ago. And I married, and then divorced him. Let us just say, it was not a good choice, and move on. For the years that followed, I swore off commitment. I was adamant that I was not tied to anyone, nor was I willing to consider entertaining the idea of more than what was.

I moved through life grabbing at every lesson and experience I could, as if to make up for all the time I had let slip past me… And along came this friend in the form of smiles that stayed with me long after he had moved far away. Letters in electronic form were the main form of communication, and always the highlight of my day. And still I persisted in not letting anyone get close to me, even when I thought I was…

Time passed and the days moved on… And in some large part, so did I. But I hoarded my small group of closest, Dear Friends to my heart. And then it became apparent that one in particular had my interest of another sort. And more time passed.

One day it wasn’t… Then one day, it was. This Dear Friend, this best of friends, had become something more… Something I swore never again. Something that I so dearly longed for. And he became The Boyfriend. For that is what he is. And it is no small thing. Someday, I may change what I call him. All things in time evolve and change, even the names by which we are referred to… (And he has already had two names within just my Blog…)

You never know what the future may bring…

Sometimes it is the beautiful gift of companionship in the form of a wonderful friend who has the wherewithal to become…

The Boyfriend…

A little duck humor for you today...

2007-11-16T10:04:00.001-08:00

I saw this site and it made me laugh... So I am sharing it with you... ('Cause I'm nice that way...) The title made me laugh the most: Duckies from "all waddles of life"... Sometimes we just need the silly in life, you know?

Duckies for the Hippie-Chick in us all... (I can hear you groaning from here...)

Duckies for those that like to party for eight crazy nights, not just one very long day...

Duckies that you will never see hitting the bathwater...

Duckies that are glad it's Turkey Day...

There were so many more... But I think you get the idea... Here is the link if you are interested... The Duckies go for about $2.00 each and seem to be about 2" tall... So they are little duckies... But they ARE cute nevertheless...

http://www.alldressforms.com/costumed-rubber-duckies-ducks-in-costumes.html

It was a beautiful sunrise...

2007-11-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

Here is my message for today: Transform. The best expression that I have to explain what I mean is a quote from Pablo Picasso...

"Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun. "

I have also seen it quoted this way:

"There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun."

Either way... I think you get what I am trying to say...

Today is a great day! I woke up with the sun and was ready to conquer the world! (Not to mention that I woke up next to The Boyfriend, and that is always a fantastic way to start the day.)

Last night I felt like I (finally) got something accomplished. (While I am still beating my head against the wall in regards to tests... I am moving forward in other important arenas...) With tons and tons of help from The Boyfriend, and a good deal of imput and explaining from his delightful friend, I took the first truly solid steps towards making my new (ad)venture a reality.

I am now the proud owner of domain names! I even have a web hoster! (Whoot! Whoot!) I have a name (Which I will share once the business and NPO registrations go through...) a logo, and a mantra. I have the outlines of a mission statement. I have a target and a real goal, as well as an outline. You should see my notebook. (And I mean the old-fashioned, spiral bound kind... It is how I brainstorm best...) It is filled on both sides with information and doodles and thoughts and things to do and, and, and... The list goes on and on.

My only complaint is that it is not going along fast enough. I have to keep telling myself that it has only been SIX days. tomorrow it will be SEVEN, as in a WEEK. What can one person do in a week? (The answer is everything and nothing. A lot, but not enough. Too little, but still something.)

So there you go. This is me. Taking on this piece of the world. It makes me excited to think that I am really doing this. Even if I fail, I will still succeed. Just one person effected and it is worth it. (But I am an idealist. I have to be right now.)

And that is something else... The Boyfriend says that thinking and hearing about all of this is sad. (Don't get me wrong, he has been incredibly supportive. He came home for lunch yesterday after I posted my Blog and hugged me until I was ready to let go.) It is difficult for him to think about what it all means. For me, I see the horrible reality of it all, but I also see that at least it can be changed. That there are others, just like me, that want to do something, that are doing something, to make a difference. (And I laugh because he calls me the most pessimistic Pollyanna that ever was. I laugh because I worry about all of the things that could go wrong, or may not work, but then I still look at what CAN happen with such rose-colored glasses... And let me tell you, it makes the sunrises SOOOOOOOO beautiful! And yes, I saw another sunrise today. And yes, I was the good girlfriend and let The Boyfriend sleep blissfully, that is until I noticed a small home invasion in the form of a small spider climbing up the wall near my head. Then I prodded him awake with "get the spider". Which he did, and then rolled back over to sleep until the alarm went off...)

One of those mornings...

2007-11-14T09:19:00.001-08:00

I am having one of those mornings. It is something that I am going to have to harness. Turn it from a morning to a moment. I need to develop a thicker skin.

I just got off the phone with someone from the "Every Woman Counts" program. And it is not true. Every Woman DOES NOT Count. Only those over the age of 40. The program is not available to those under the age of 40. Like Cancer waits for a specific date on the calendar... (Yeah, I wish... Then I could schedule it in somewhere between having my not-yet-conceived children grow into maturity and death. That would work for me. Or how about two weeks before my 94th birthday instead?)

Grrr...

I was given the number for the American Breast Cancer Foundation. That was at the top of my list to call at 9am today. But I was forewarned that the American Breast Cancer Foundation is not accepting any new clients at this time. Clients? It turns out that recipients and patients are referred to as "clients". There is a waiting list, though it is long. I can add my name to that if I like. Why is there a waiting list? Why no new "clients"? Because there are no funds at this time. The Foundation is out of money.

Ohhh...

I took a moment when I hung up the phone to look at the new Lucky magazine. It is my favorite thing in the world. It used to bring me so much pleasure to follow the trends and see what the pretties are and to follow the prices. But this morning all I saw was a Re'Vive Weekly Treatment Facial Mask that is selling for $190.00. The only thought that passed through my head was $190.00 for facial cream. If you bought the $20.00 facial cream, you would have enough left over to make a difference in one of a million different ways. And then I thought that I must really be down to confuse a facial mask with facial cream... And then I just stopped caring. About the contents of the magazine that is...

I have been spending these past days since my initial breast cancer post doing a ton of research. As if a fire has been lit under my feet and I can't slow down for fear of the pain if I fail. I have made steps towards doing some great things. I am starting a Foundation as well as an Action Organization/Coalition for those who follow. I have tortured my brother, The Boyfriend, and The Boyfriend's out-of-town guest with my obsession and upset rants. (Upset is different than angry. And I have been upset. I think I may do better to get angry though. At least for a while.)

I have been up to my eyeballs in looking for my own needs, and drowning (by choice as well as the deep feeling of necessity) in the mass of information that is not pertinent to my cause. (Though last night and this morning, I have made some important discoveries that affect the Activist and Legislative end.)

It saddens me to think that things are the way that they are. That I find out horrible facts and can no longer bury my head in the sand in blissful ignorance. Yet one more layer of innocence is being stripped away. And it hurts. (But at this rate, I might actually BECOME one of those wise old women and truly be able to claim the wise part.)

What I fear is driving away my friends with this obsession to make changes and to amend a horrible over-site. I worry that I will become one of those dull individuals that has nothing left to say about anything outside of my cause. I don't want this to be my entire life. I just want this to be something important that I was meant to do with my life. And there is a difference. But right now, this CONSUMES me. I don't know which will kill me first, the cancer, or the cause. Neither. But it feels that way.

Breathe...

Well... Off to more calls. More research. More dead ends. More exciting discoveries. More information. And hopefully, one more step forward.

Heard at Home...

2007-11-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

Do you recall my post about The Boyfriend and I committing "Tree"? Well we did. At least we tried...

We picked out the tree and took it home. We planted it in the little pot as the directions said. We watered it and gave it sun. We even named it. And while The Boyfriend may SAY that it was my doing that the tree was named, the conversation was something more like this:

She said: I have been thinking about what we might want to call our tree...

He said: Really?

She said: Yeah... Something like Forrest... As in you can't see the Forest for the Tree... Or maybe Lief, you know for leaf...

He said: (Groan) Well... I was thinking maybe Doug. "cause it's likely a Douglas Fir... That's what they usually are in these tree kits...

She said: I love it! Douglas...

He said: Dougie...

She said: Doug... Perfect! You're awesome, I love you!

So a few nights ago, we were laying in bed and whispering under the covers... (We have company, so things have been a bit hectic and out moments together almost feel stolen and definitely feel way to short...) Anyway, we were talking about this and that and I brought up something that had been weighing on me all afternoon... Doug. Or rather, the lack of any sight of our little Doug.

She said: Babe, I think we may need to get another tree...

He said: We might...

She said: There is no sight of Doug at all... There should be something by now... He might not be sprouting...

He said: You mean we are Doug-less?

After than we giggled like the pair of maniacs that we are... Until my sides hurt and I could barely breathe... We tried to keep it down... (Yeah right, Doug-less, Douglas... I am sure hyenas would have been quieter...) I can only imagine what our house-guest was thinking... (On second thought, I really don't want to know...)

Happy Almost Birthday to ME!

2007-11-04T11:05:00.000-08:00

So I decided that today, rather than tomorrow, is going to be my birthday...

I just woke up in a mood to celebrate...

The sun is shining... The weather is nice and warm... It is just glorious here...

So today is going to be my birthday... At least for me... The rest of the world can call tomorrow and my Mother can make me cry with sweet stories of how happy she was when I was born... But today I am going to celebrate (party, rejoice, do the silly happy dance that for one moment the world is all mine to seize...)

And really, who would argue with a woman who is claiming to be older than she really is... And it sort of makes up for last year, when I decided that I was postponing my birthday by a day...

So...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME...
HAPPY BIRTH-DAY to ME-EEEE...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME...

Little Changes...

2007-10-31T08:14:00.000-07:00

So...

I made a few small changes yesterday... And they seem to have gone over rather well. I was a bit unsure at the time, especially as they were changes in someone else's home. Someone else as in The Boyfriend.

Yeah...

I did that thing that "other" females have always been the ones to do. That thing that I swore I would never do. That sort of thing that I have teased other females about (relentlessly) for years... I nested.

Yeah...

I went shopping for a dinner party that we were having for a work colleague of The Boyfriend's. You know, for a soap dish and some milk... That sort of thing. The sort of thing that does not cross boundaries and lines... That sort of thing that says: "I am a loving and supportive girlfriend and I respect your home for being your home." Except that it wasn't a home, it has just been a place for him to stay. And I did not respect his boundaries, I jumped into the wild blue without any idea of where the boundaries may have been, or how far I might have been crossing them.

So over to the dark side I went. Happily...

And I do mean dark side. Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I have a thing for all white dishes. All white linens. All white bedding and towels and rugs and pillow coverings and draperies. I love the neutral mix and match of all things beige and white. Tonal differences of the slightest degree. I love the differences of texture and fabrics to make up the cozy statement of my home's decor. (And before you gasp and say that I must not have children, know that if you have white in a natural fiber you can easily use bleach to remove any stain... Yes, perhaps I am related to my Father after all... He uses bleach like the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding uses Windex... My life is like that movie... Really. But I love that.) Even my furniture is being "restored" and painted a mix of whites... Heaven to me has been the palette chart at Lowes that has all of the different white paint chips in one handy book... And when they are side by side like that, you can really see the nuances of pinks and blues and yellows that are hidden under the white of the whites...

The Boyfriend once sent me a text that said that I am a bit like the color in the movie of his life... I love that message. I keep it on my phone and delete other around it so that I can look at it when I feel a little down... But really, it is likely the other way around... He is vibrant and into bright colors... Bold colors... Lots of colors... He likes burnt umber and rusty oranges... Sage greens and deep olive tones... A mix of woods and black leather make up his home furnishings... And somehow, those colors have been bleeding into my mind's eye... Seeping into the crevices of my brain while I have been spending so much time visiting The Boyfriend at his residence.

Notice that I have not used the word home in reference to The Boyfriend's abode? He has been on the move, much as I have been, for the past few years... And has not yet settled in... (I may never settle down, he may never settle in, this may never go anywhere... But then magic happens, so you never know...)

So...

I went shopping for a soap dish. For the bathroom. So that company would not have to reach into the shower to get at the soap if they wanted to wash their hands... But that was not what happened...

I found a soap dish. White. Ceramic. Oval and just the right depth to hold the truly decadent soaps that a friend of The Boyfriend's makes... It even went into the shopping cart. But near to the soap dishes were shower curtains. (The Boyfriend has a plain white thin plastic liner as his shower curtain... Shhh... Even I have limits for things that are white...) There was a curtain that called out to me. Singing out my name and begging me to take it with me and hang it up and to cross over that line where it seems all females eventually end up crossing... It was similar to a shower curtain that The Boyfriend's Uncle had in the guest bath that both of us just loved. It looks like something out of Pottery Barn. It is all of the colors that make up The Boyfriend's linens and all the colors that I have been leaning towards all these past months without reasonable explanation... It was... Perfect. It would tie it all together and make his bathroom a room. So into the cart it went...

I had napkins on my list. Fine. But I grew up using cloth napkins. The Boyfriend even has four somewhere that we have not been able to find since I helped him to unpack. So we have been using wash cloths, or paper towels, or our clothing... But there is company coming. I can't... Well... I won't ask then to use their trousers to wipe their hands upon. Just like I won't ask them to use the soap out of the shower to wash their hands. So napkins were on the list. Turns out that I like the fall and winter sort of neutrals too... I added three sets of four napkins to the cart. A gold satin striped set, a muted rust cotton set, and a super soft natural open weave linen set edged in chocolate brown. Perfect. Of course a set of four place mats joined the napkins... A set of woven (plastic, washable) industrial looking place mats in a mix of taupes, silvers, grays, and black. They are minimalist and modern and masculine. All the M's that The Boyfriend would like. I just knew it, so in the cart they went... As well as a single muted rust linen over-sized place mate with taupe detail to place in the center of the table or on a side board...

You would think this was where I stopped. But no.

A set of silverware for six. (I counted out forks before I left and no, there were not enough for salad, dinner, and dessert. There were enough for dinner and three salad, or dinner and three dessert, but not a whole meal for four.)

And then I saw it. That thing that made my heart swell up and pound like it was the drummer in a ticker tape parade... A bowl. Not what you were expecting right? A bowl. Sort of anti-climatic huh? (But those are the simple things that have made my passions soar... I have long had a thing for kitchen stuff, especially dishes... And this was some dish...)

Unlike all of my dishes... White and clean lines and from the euphoric bliss of Crate and Barrel... This bowl was COLOR. (And it was not oven safe, which up until THIS BOWL has always been a requirement for my everyday dishes...) But it was THIS BOWL. It was perfect. It was... Well... I could easily wax on about THIS BOWL for paragraphs, but I won't torture you. But I will stop with this... For the moment...

So...

Six of the bowls went into the cart. As did four small and deep cereal style bowls. (They are a plain natural ceramic glaze with a super soft sage band around the top and tie in the totally perfect bowls with the rest of my dishes... And I needed something to put another course that was added last minute in... So they were practical too...) A serving plate, that was also not white made it into the cart, along with four small white salad/dessert plates and a white coffee maker (to brew and serve hot tea with ease)... I contemplated more, but (finally) figured that I had enough...

I purchased my booty, loaded it into my car, hauled it up the stairs, washed and dried everything. Ironed the napkins and shower curtain, and set to work making The Boyfriend's house a home.

Dinner was ready. Salads plated and waiting in the fridge, main course plated and warming in the oven, dessert plated and sitting on the sideboard with the trappings for hot tea, bowls prepped and waiting for the added course to the meal... I was ready.

Ready, but nervous. I had not mentioned anything about my changes to The Boyfriend other than the soap dish. And I have not done this sort of thing before. I only just got my own set of keys to his place and now I am making changes to it... Oh... The nerve and the nerves...

He came home with his company. He looked a little surprised at the place mats and napkins, but not overly so. He gave a tour of his home and when I he got to the bathroom he blurted out something like he thought it was his bathroom... But that was not his (meaning the shower curtain) and look there was a new soap dish... We joked about it for a moment... He really did seem to be okay about it. But then again, The Boyfriend is a very, very laid back sort of person. It is one of the things that I like best about him. The man is virtually unflappable.

And then he saw the dishes as I set them on the table. And the next set and so on as the evening unfolded. His eyes kept twinkling and dancing at me from across the table as the night wore on... He looked happy and contented and relaxed... And it was good.

When he returned later that night from taking his company home, we talked about my "changes" at great length... (Yet another huge reason that I adore this man... He will talk about the things that I love to great extent, even if he would have had a two minute conversation about it if it were left up to him and his interests, and he really cares what is running around in my head about it all... I love that.)

It turns out he is okay with all of my additions to his home. And he was a bit in wonder at how easily I tied all of his things together with just a few pieces. And he was interested in what else I would do... And he love THE BOWLS. (So of course now I just HAVE to have a whole set... And before you ask, a whole set is 24. I have a large family and I like to entertain. And with bowls that I could not later replace, I would be content with 30, just in case for chips and breaks and so on... Excessive, I know, but it is me...) It also turns out that he loves one have of the bowl and I love the other. It is an "US" bowl. It also turns out that his eyes are hazel. Mostly green with a ring of rust around the pupil and flecks of gold shot through. I love his eyes. My eyes are dark brown with shots of espresso and mahogany shot through... Not as exciting, but I like them. These bowls are the colors of our eyes. These bowls really are "US" bowls...

I love these bowls...
I love that I can make these sorts of additions and changes to The Boyfriend's home and he is happy and (possibly) even content for the effect that they have...
I love The Boyfriend and the way that he loves me...

Yeah...

Life is good.

And he just may be a bit like the color in the movie of MY life too...

Note:
If anyone wants to know... The dishes were from WalMart of all places... Not Pottery Barn or Crate and Barrel witch are my usual places of preference. Remember that I was just out for a simple soap dish...

The Manufacturer is Home Trends and the Style of Bowl that I fell in love with is called Jazz. ($1.96 each)

The style of the serving plate, that is really just a huge dinner plate, is called Natural Serenity. ($3.77 each)

The cereal style bowls are manufactured by Mainstays Home and the style is called Valejo Tan Band... (For $0.56 each they were the bargain of the day.)

There is something to be said for keeping an open mind when shopping... While none of the dishes I purchased were oven safe, they are dishwasher and microwave safe... An irony for me, since I do not use either... But I know that most folks do...

The place mats were also by Home Trends, the style is called Central Park, the code 092041VPM-Multi. they are made with an outer shell of Polyvinyl Chloride and an inner core of 100% Polyester. (According to the tag you can order them on-line...) They were $2.84 each... A good price considering that they will likely look like new in 15 years and they seem durable enough to withstand children as well as daily use. And I really like the option of wiping them down and/or washing them in the sink rather than the washing machine... No shrinking and ironing for these babies...

The napkins that The Boyfriend liked best were the super soft natural open weave linen set edged in chocolate brown. Turns out that they are not linen, they are 100% Polyester. (My fingers and the iron knew this, my eyes did not...) They are a Holiday item, soon to be gone, but the manufacturer is Harvest, the item number is 7HVTC-PC2NP, and the price was $1.96 for a pair.

The other napkins were by Home Trends, the style was Copper Pipe, the price was $3.96 for a pair. They are the most wonderful muted rust color and 100% cotton. They were yummy to wipe fingers on and thick enough to keep my clothes clean when I spilled a bit of salad on my lap... The gold satin stripe napkins came as a set of 4 and cost $4.97. The item number is 082092402131.

And lastly the shower curtain is called Braden by Home Trends. It is 100% Polyester and was a dream to iron out the folds and creases. It is actually really long, as you can see from the photo, which I really liked. The price is a secret, since it was a gift. But it was reasonable and fair.

So... Mom... If you are wondering about a Christmas gift... I would love a gazillion place mats...

Everyone else... Happy shopping!

(And no, WalMart and Home Trends did NOT pay me to advertise for them. I am just that thrilled. And that is as uncommon as my posting product information.)

Ask and Receive...

2007-10-24T09:42:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed with all of the cleaning that I have left to do at the new place... So much left to move out just to get to the walls to clean them. I was procrastinating in the worst way... I buried myself deep in the cyber hole also known as my laptop... And if you read my Blog yesterday, you'll remember this:

34.)Q. If you could spend 12 hours with me and ask/do anything you like, what would it be?
34.)A. Right now? I would ask for help moving a sofa into the garage, I have been trying to get that done for ages by myself and it just isn't happening...

Well... Later in the evening there was a knock at my door. One of my neighbors stopped by to see if he could be of any assistance. Did I need any help moving things or fixing things... He would be available right then or all day today... (I kid you not.) I hesitated only a long pause before replying that if he was serious that there was a sofa and a mattress that I just could not get out to the garage by myself, and would LOVE his help.

He looked about the very cluttered room and said that he could help with the rest of the furniture as well. I did not want to impose... Needless to say, the whole room has been cleared out and is now sitting stacked up in the garage waiting for a good home. And he is going to put the word out and see if anyone wants the old stuff...

A few beers later we were laughing over his magnetic photo album filled with hysterical Polaroids of the goof ball things that he has done with his co-workers over the course of his career. (Turns out my neighbor is something of a Paladin with a great sense of light-hearted humor...)

I had the best night! I got so much accomplished in such a short amount of time because I had help... Help that came to me because I have been too stubborn to go asking for it... (I thought I had this lesson learned the hard way. Hmmm, possibly not... But I am grateful for the gentle and pleasant reminder...) And I received even more than I had hoped for. Kindness and human connection... Possibly even a new friend.

(So EL, your comment about being careful about what you ask for did not go unnoticed... It was something that I used to say quite often and had just let myself forget... And Mom, I remember what you said about what you receive may not be what you envisioned when you are asking, but it is always what you need...)

Fuego de los Muertos...

2007-10-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

So we went...
We saw...
We participated...
In what seemed like almost everything...

A bite of this...
A taste of that...
A hug here...
A dance there...

New friends...
Net friends...
Sibling bonding...

It was all good...

And then the wind kicked in...
And picked up...
Picked up my tent too...
Like a giant breathing monster, heaving in and out, puffing up billowing clouds of dust and dirt...

So we packed it in...
Then packed it out...

And were home in time to take a shower...
And then another...
And crawl in between clean sheets...
Dreaming of food we were too tired to fix...

And then the fires came...

And I was glad for the niggling need in the back of my scull telling me to toss in the towel and go home...
I would not have made it there otherwise...

So there is something to be said for that gut reaction, instinct and intuition thing...

And in the end...
There are happy memories and photos...
The photos I'll share...
The rest...
Well...
You just had to be there...

FDLM 2007

Drowning in Claustrophobia...

2007-10-21T13:06:00.000-07:00

Claustrophobia is getting to me hard today... For some unknown reason, I can't shake the feeling of being boxed in, suffocated and unable to draw a deep enough breath... It is overwhelming and it has me feeling a little grumpy... I am drowning in it...

I am back at home... And I would rather be any place else... But I can't think of any place that I would like to be...

I am tired and my brain does not want to think, but I don't want to escape into a movie either. I have had more than my fill of escaping and if the past couple of days have shown me anything, it is that I just want to really LIVE my life, not play at it here and there...

I am weary of the dust and dirt and the chaos that surrounds me... Surrounds me in the physical sense... Stuff and clutter everywhere... Dirt and dust and grime seems to expand faster than I can clean it up... Mountains of things that just need to go away, and yet I have not been taking the time to do more than trundle armload after armload out to the dumpster...

I am restless and unfocused and I just want to be done with it all already... Too many projects... Too much left undone... And never enough time... And I am longing to bury my head under the covers and wish it all away... But THAT is something that I cannot do... That would be childish and lazy... So I will pull on some work gloves... Cram my broken toe into a pair of tennis shoes... And go work on emptying out the garage... It is hot outside... And I will be grimy when I am done for the day... (I say for the day because I know better... There is too much to be rid of to be done in an afternoon...) But then I will have a reason to pout that is valid... Instead of being frustrated indoors, as I am right now...

I would like to be on a plane to see The Boyfriend... But it is not practical or reasonable... I really want to just be held for a bit, but if I can't settle myself, how in the world could someone else... So he goes for a bike ride while the weather holds up there, and I am off to clean the garage down here...

And then, perhaps, I will take myself out to dinner... Though I fret about the food establishments out here... I am picky by normal standards in cities... Out in the rural lands where the food is less than palatable and even chain places do not dare to exist, I am more than a little afraid... My happiness for a good taco salad with tons of crisp lettuce and juicy tomatoes... Now THAT would be bliss indeed...

So true... But...

2007-10-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else. -- E. E. Cummings

So true...
But...

It makes me wonder if we are the biggest culprits of them all...

What would happen if it all just was...
If we just were...

But then that makes me wonder so much more...

In the end...
I hope...

100 Things I Learned at Burning Man...

2007-10-09T17:05:00.001-07:00

1. Photos will happen when you look your worst, are wearing the ugliest thing you brought, or have no make up on.
2. Getting lost leads to art car adventures.
3. Sunscreen for infants is full spectrum and when applied at least twice a day results in no sunburn.
4. Those that like you will ask to borrow your mirror, those that don’t will invade your tent and just “borrow” it.
5. Cutting nails as short as possible before going is a good idea, if you don’t, they will just rip off anyway.
6. Always ask a person’s camp name, it will last longer in the memory than a personal name, and then you can find them again later.
7. Texture wax is not a good idea to apply on the playa, it needs to be done before the trip out.
8. Texture wax when mixed with playa dust becomes uni-dread.
9. You’ll never wear as many clothes as you pack, but you’ll always wish for more panties no matter how many you take.
10. The same thing goes for socks.
11. If you have the killer coat, it won’t be cold enough to wear it as often as you like.
12. Lemon juice is the savior of playa foot.
13. Temporary tanning eye shields work great to tint clear goggles for the sun.
14. Picking up moop while wearing gloves is actually fun.
15. Being a shadow dancer is fun, but harder than it looks.
16. Jumping on a big trampoline is fun, but easier than it looks.
17. Big teeter-totters are kinda scary.
18. Reversible playa coats are the way to go, they look better, keep you warmer and take up less space.
19. Goggles with rubber edges will make you sweat around the eyes and leave ring around your cheeks.
20. Dried fruit and beef jerky really are all you need to survive a week out in the desert, but you’ll miss other foods terribly.
21. Bright colors in the daytime look best against the desert dust.
22. White is great for night, the better to have fun with all of the black lights.
23. Minmai buns are the way to go for long hair that is not braided.
24. Facial cleansing cloths are better than wipes in that they have a great lather and can be re-wetted enough to scrub an entire body well.
25. Wet wipes work great to remove the soap from facial cleansing cloths.
26. Wet wipes work even better when lemon juice is poured onto them and then applied to hands and feet.
27. No matter how light you pack, there will still be food not eaten, water jugs not opened, and clothes not worn.
28. There is never enough time to do, try, see, experience everything.
29. Some people want to tell you everything, others really are escaping for the week.
30. Moop happens no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
31. It is more fun to set up than to tear down.
32. The one photo that you think you look your worst in will be the one with the most memories attached to it.
33. The vibe at the beginning of the week is very different than at the end of it.
34. If you see something cool that you want to do, do it right then, once the moment passes, it will be hard to return.
35. “Embrace the dust” really has a meaning. It gets into everything and is utterly unavoidable.
36. Be careful when taking unmarked drinks from others.
37. Emergen-c is a real lifesaver when mixed with airborne, thera-flu and gator-aide.
38. And it is perfect for the morning-after-whatever revival concoction.
39. Time flies faster than you think.
40. Sunset lasts longer than it does at home.
41. Playa time really does exist, its just that no one can tell when it is, ever.
42. Projects left to be done on the playa take longer than allotted, no matter how simple.
43. Friends can be found anywhere, especially where least expected.
44. Conversation with strangers has never been so easy and continuous.
45. Connecting with people you met on the playa is harder than imagined.
46. Band-aide blister blocks melts in the heat and does not works nearly as well as just using fabric band-aides beforehand anyway.
47. The carcass wash is an experience that must be tried. It looses something in the explanation.
48. What happens on the playa everyone knows about in 0.26 seconds, but they are as likely to forget about it just as fast.
49. Those that stay in motor homes and rvs may have air conditioning, bathrooms, bathing and real beds, but they miss out on the bonding of the camp.
50. It’s good to have friends in motor homes and rvs that share the cool air and a drink in the middle of the afternoon.
51. Dust hurts if it is hitting you at 60 mph.
52. Double rainbows are worth whiteouts and rain.
53. Walking from one end of the Playa to the other takes longer than you’d expect.
54. There will never be enough photos.
55. Going without your camera is fun.
56. Bring a back up pair of boots, just in case.
57. Double bag your “going home” clothes to keep them clean and dry.
58. Drink water. Then drink some more.
59. Powdered drink mixes added to water help to restore electrolytes and make the water taste better and less boring.
60. Make a batch of drink mix concentrate and add to the bottles, pouring powdered mixes on the playa can be messy and moopy.
61. If you think something might melt, it probably will.
62. The less you have to put in a cooler, the fewer trips for ice you need to make and the less grey water you have to worry about.
63. Wear darker lipstick than you would at home, the dust turns everything to shades of playa and you end up looking like Uncle Henry and Aunty Em…
64. I am totally the one to be placed in charge of breakfasts and morning-after all-nighter fix-em-up concoctions.
65. Getting up with the sun is inevitable. Embracing it as the morning person I am is just plain fun.
66. A dust mask is vital. Really.
67. Being a morning person can be very useful.
68. Nighttime is a good time to practice riding a bike in the secret confines of the camp. Everyone is out partying or too drunk to remember that you made a fool of yourself falling over the side of the bike.
69. Always bring toilet paper to the porta-potties with you, the one time you forget, there will not be any left and air drying sucks.
70. Toilet paper can be folded up into little squares and tucked under the back of a bra strap.
71. No matter how well prepared you are sometimes you just get caught with your pants down.
72. Other times you get caught bathing, sleeping in public, dancing like a fool, doing something totally silly, or wolfing down dinner on your way out of camp.
73. If everyone cleans up after themselves and picks up the things others may have "accidentally" left behind then the world would be in much better shape.
74. Picking up MOOP can be habit forming and lasts long after you leave the Playa.
75. When you take someone out of their general context you sometimes end up with a different person.
76. Sometimes you end up liking the different person more, sometimes less. Sometimes, it is just better to be with strangers because you won’t know the difference between their Playa personality and their At-home personality.
77. “The Playa is a microcosm of life in general. On the Playa you will see a little bit of everything and people from all over the world. The best thing is that everyone is getting along with little difficulty. Even the usual BS you would expect when you but 40k plus people together seems to either not happen or to resolve itself without incident.”
78. Waiting out a white-out is much more fun with friends.
79. Participation is fabulous, but sometimes it is a good thing to sit on your hands.
80. “Good karma happens. I was amazed just how often I would need a cold drink and one would appear or how often I would be thinking about shade and someone would invite me to have a cold one with them under their sunshade. Heck when I was hungry someone always offered me food and good food at that.”
81. Creativity may limitless, but I swear that there must be at least 5,000 ways to re-invent the wheel.
82. “Sometimes you just have to roll with it. I was caught up in some situations that at first even made me a little uncomfortable but when I just relaxed I realized that it was all good and had a good time living outside of my box.”
83. “I thought the noise at night would be louder, more ubiquitous, and more annoying to me.”
84. Camping in the center has it’s advantages. You are closer to the ice and coffee and further from the all night music makers.
85. Having a Karaoke bar across the street can be fun and entertaining.
86. Bringing all the pretty costumes is a wonderful thing, but sometimes the dust storms happen and you pull out the worst looking thing you own just to be covered quickly and hope you don’t ruin the “good” stuff.
87. I swallowed the whole fish. (a saying among American Zen Practitioners.)
88. “I hoped I'd like it less so I wouldn't feel so bummed if I can't make it next year.”
89. Expect the unexpected.
90. It all ends too soon, but somehow seems to last forever.
91. It was worth everything to get there, just for the experience, even if you never go again.
92. DECOMs, PreCOMs, Regionals, and other “Burner” events are great, but Burning Man is its own animal.
93. No matter how many time you go, or how much research you do, you’ll never be able to adequately explain it to someone that has never gone.
94. No matter the community, with 50,000 people in attendance, you are going to come across a little bit of everything.
95. If you say that “this is my last burn”, chances are, you’ll be back. Again and again.
96. Astral Head-wash is heaven sent.
97. A smile can fix anything on the Playa. Seriously. Try it and see.
98. Some people are born Burners, other people become them.
99. Even if it doesn’t “feel like coming home”, it’s still a great place to be.
100. I want to go back. (I know, big surprise.)

I went, I saw, I committed TREE...

2007-10-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a strange day... It was bound to be... It was SF DECOM...

Yes... We made it... A few hours later that I had planned... But you know how it goes when nothing is what you want to wear and all you can think of is chocolate... I need chocolate... Must have chocolate... Can't have chocolate...

But arrive we did... In our Playa-wear, ready to see and be seen... And see we did. It was an orgasmic eye-candy extravaganza to behold... Finery and frippery everywhere... Smiles and hugs and more hugs... I waffled between a tourist with my camera glued to my face, snapping away at everything, and a participant laughing and dancing with the best of them...

There are tons of photos... I posted some in my photos if you want to take a gander... Please... Leave a comment... It's like a verbal hug, or a way of saying that you came and saw... Also... If you would like to see the full album of things that caught my interest at the DECOM yesterday... If you feel like playing a Burner version of "Where's Waldo"... Feel free to take a peek at my Picasa album.

San Francisco DECOM 2007

In there you might find:
a polar bear
a pair of penguins
too many tutus
a bevy of bees
escapees from gerlach county prison
a handful of hoopers
flags a flyin'
a tiny twirler
several stilters
endless enjoyment plastered on happy faces
a couple of kisses
a few lookie-loos
and of course... me... committing tree

Yup...

Yesterday was indeed momentous... The Boyfriend and I did the unthinkable... Caught up in the moment, and with heartfelt thanks to the Tree Huggers Camp, The Boyfriend and I committed TREE together. And there is a photo to prove it... And you can tell by my huge grin that this is a good thing... It is a huge step for us... A gigantic leap in the whole commitment arena... Who knows what may happen next? Babies, marriage, equity, dogs, other plants??? Well... Let us not put the cart before the horse... That stuff is still so very, very, very (did I say very?) far off... We'll leave all of those things to our friends. With a new announcement of : We're getting married/ having a baby/ had a baby/ bought a house/ got a puppy/ said "I love you"/ flying to the moon... that has been going on, there have been plenty of good things in the air. (And I am really, really, really (did I say really?) happy with OUR new tree...)

So...

Life is moving forward... And it's TREEmendously spectacular!

Well F**k...

2007-10-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

I know... Me... Starting out a Blog with such a foul mouth... Late morning Potty Mouth here... Up and ready for action... Only, I had the wrong day... The action is tomorrow...

Well F**k...

DECOM is TOMORROW...
As in NOT TODAY...
As in Sunday...
Not Saturday...
As in I am sitting here getting directions for the best place to park the vehicle...
For 24 hours from now...
Not 4 hours from now...

Well F**k...

I am sitting here with my face all done up...
So done up that I will have to wash it before going anyplace so mundane...
My clothes are sitting strewn all over the floor...
Because I took the early morning playing dress up to see what I was in the mood to wear...
I even took a power nap...
Flat on my back...
Snoring in The Boyfriend's ear...
So that I would not mess up my make up and hair...
Better to annoy your loved one and not mess up hours of dress up...
Better to have a sore throat from sawing away for 40 minutes...
Better to have actually slept last night...
Since today is NOT the long awaited, much anticipated DECOM...
Since I STILL toss and turn all night when I am excited about something fun...
Like I am 5...

I must have read the date 5,000 times...
I must have read the day another 5,000 times...
I must have been nuts like 10,000 times...

Well... F**k...
(This is where The Boyfriend interjects that this is where the phrase "Ha Ha" is in order...)

(Yeah... Well the laugh is on him, who does he think is going to be not sleeping next to him again tonight? Who does he think is going to be laying there, desperately tired and thrashing about in that almost dreaming, yet still partly awake state? Who does he think is ALSO going to suffer from TWO nights of excited, restless, anticipation built up, lack of good nights slumber? Hmmm... "Ha Ha Boyfriend, we both suffer on this one...")

Well...

F**k...

F**k...
F**k...
F**K...

(sigh)

Well...

(You know in my head I am still jumping up and down, like I am 5, repeating that same word over and over and over... You also know that The Boyfriend is sitting on the sofa watching all of this and laughing his ass off...)

Grrr...
F**k...
Grrr...
F**k...
(sigh)
F**k...
F**k...
(sigh)
F**k...
Grrr...

(sigh)

Okay... I think I feel better now... Thanks... I'll see you all tomorrow then...

And if I happen to have a nice set of luggage under my pretty eyes when you see me at the DECOM...
"Well... F**K..."
At least now you'll know why...

Day 54: My New Home...

2007-10-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends;

I know that it has been ages… And ages… And ages, for me to get back into a regular Blogging habit… This whole moving thing has just kept me hopping… (And scrubbing and cleaning and sorting and and and…)

I have gotten rid of about half of the stuff piled up in my new front room… It was taking up the whole room and was stacked up as tall as me… (Remind me to purge more of my own stuff when I am all done with this never-ending project… I hate the thought of being that old and having someone else burdened with all of my things and what to do with them…)

The furniture is another thing altogether… I have work gloves and heavy boots that will work for tearing down the already falling apart pressboard pieces… The whole idea of demolition is kind of foreign to me… I have worked so diligently with my Dad to refurbish old and long forgotten or abused pieces that to just tear something all to bits just makes me shake my head… But I guess in the end, the difference is falling apart pressboard and neglected real wood… I think I might just get into it though… Once I figure out how to bet go about it, that is…

Some of the things I have discovered about living alone at this point in my life are:

I can get up in the middle of the night and work for an hour if I can’t sleep. I don’t have to worry about disturbing anyone… I can scrub the walls, clean the shower, sort through boxes, pack for my next trip, surf the net… It does not matter if I turn on the light or make a little bit of noise… And when I am tired out again, I can crawl back into bed and not have to think about how I am going to fight for my part of the bed or covers again… The downside is that even with my heat retaining tempur-pedic bed, I still return to cold sheets rather than a warm body… I miss hearing the sound of another person sleeping peacefully next to me…

But… By sleeping alone, I can sleep sideways, diagonally, curled up, or sprawled out… I can get up and take my pillow to the other side of the bed if I feel like it… Even if the other side happens to be the foot of the bed… I have learned that I follow the moon, that I like to rotate my direction as the moon waxes and wanes… Odd, I know, but there it is… One of those totally secret single behaviors of mine totally revealed. By living and sleeping alone, I can do this without having to explain why I am ripping all the bed clothes up and turning us 45 degrees so that I can actually fall asleep… Ah… The life of an insomniac…

I can clean in my panties… Call me strange… But I like to clean in a tank top and boy shorts… Wild, bright colors… Soft, unrestrictive cotton… I feel extra productive if I add in a pair of mis-matched knee socks and what I have long referred to as my magic yellow gloves… With those industrial hand protectors, I can take on the icky stuff and not even flinch… They are what turn me from uber princess into superwoman extraordinaire… My work gloves for the heavy stuff, gardening gloves for the outside, and latex gloves for cooking are the same way… Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a germaphobe, I just like my hands protected… I will always shake a hand if it is offered, though I much prefer a hug… I only bring out the purell for when I handle large amounts of money, use public restrooms, or go camping… I have been this way since my Mom discovered that if I was ever going to do the dishes, I had to have something to put between my skin and the yuck… As soon as she gave me my first pair, I was hooked… And never complained about dishes again… (The funny thing is that culinary school broke me of using gloves to wash dishes… Full service for a four course meal for 200 can make even the best of hand protection futile… Besides, even a princess can be practical once she realizes that some things just have to be done, no matter what…)

I can play the radio whenever I like… And I can have it at that soft level that it seems only dogs and I can hear… Anything louder will give me a headache after a couple of minutes… And when there are other people about, they get frustrated that they can’t hear what the song is… They also get frustrated that I can’t hear both what they are saying and the song at the same time… It just turns sound into noise… And since there is no one about for me to keep an ear out for, I can actually listen to the radio again. (Of course, I only have two stations to choose from… The Latin religious station… And the oldies mixed with today station. And I am just not that old yet… Of course, I am not that religious and my Spanish is not that good, so the oldies mixed with today wins out… How I can’t wait to find my CDs… No comment on the lack of an MP3 player… I have heard of them, even seen and touched a few… But do not have a clue about how to get the music in or out, let alone on how to choose which one… Plus, don’t they have an added expense just to keep track of my songs or something? I don’t know… I am stuck in the land of the CD for a while longer… Oh well… Should I even mention that most of my Arabic Dance music is still on cassette tape? Hmmm… Just forget that I brought that hidden point up…)

I have taken to wearing my retainer all the time… Since there is no one to talk to, and no one to see me, I figure why not be “good” and start wearing my retainer before all the years of braces and surgery become undone by having my teeth move too much more than they already have… (I must look like the serious geek with my retainer, glasses, hair in a ponytail, cleaning the bathroom in mix-matched knee socks, boy shorts and a tank top… But yeah… That would be the real me… In the raw… unmade up and scrubbed clean face, dancing about to music that no one else can hear but me… Good mental picture huh?)

So there you go… I could list more that I have learned, come to embrace, or just come to accept about the real and uncensored version of me when I am alone, but this is getting longer and longer… So I’ll let some more time pass and then see what else appears in the ongoing and daily discoveries of my living alone… If there is one thing I can say, it’s that life is always an adventure… (And that is the best thing of all…)

Ps.

Here is a copy of the song that I have stuck in my head today… Perhaps you too will discover that you can sing along… (However, I can’t recall ever learning the words…) Enjoy… And keep your fingers crossed that someday, I will live where there is a greater choice in radio stations… (Though, I did just find out that Sugar Ray remade the song… No, that is not the version that has been crossing the airwaves into my home… But at least I now know that it is not that forgotten of a song after all… Of course, it was Sugar Ray… So… Well… I think I’ll stick with the original… At least then I can say it is a classic… And here is a version by Alizee… Hmm… Anything French is automatically a classic right???)

ABRACADABRA
The Steve Miller Band
written by Steve Miller

I heat up, I can't cool down
You got me spinnin'
'Round and 'round
'Round and 'round and 'round it goes
Where it stops nobody knows

Every time you call my name
I heat up like a burnin' flame
Burnin' flame full of desire
Kiss me baby, let the fire get higher

Abra-abra-cadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya
Abra-abra-cadabra
Abracadabra

You make me hot, you make me sigh
You make me laugh, you make me cry
Keep me burnin' for your love
With the touch of a velvet glove

Abra-abra-cadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya
Abra-abra-cadabra
Abracadabra

I feel the magic in your caress
I feel magic when I touch your dress
Silk and satin, leather and lace
Black panties with an angel's face

I see magic in your eyes
I hear the magic in your sighs
Just when I think I'm gonna get away
I hear those words that you always say

Abra-abra-cadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya
Abra-abra-cadabra
Abracadabra

Every time you call my name
I heat up like a burnin' flame
Burnin' flame full of desire
Kiss me baby, let the fire get higher

I heat up, I can't cool down
My situation goes 'round and 'round
I heat up, I can't cool down
My situation goes 'round and 'round
I heat up, I can't cool down
My situation goes 'round and 'round

Hey... That's me...

2007-10-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

I just popped online... Have been doing the usual poking about... And then I saw it... That looks like my coat... That looks like my picture... Hey... That's ME as the little photo for that tribe... COOL...

(I had forgotten that I had posted it up there... I have been smothered and swimming in endless photos lately...)

Who knew that I was cool enough to be the icon for something, even if only for a morning... Yup... Today rocks...

The tribe? Playlicious Playwear... (See... It is cool...)
The photo? You'll just have to go and see...

playaliciousplaywear.tribe.net

What's going to be hard is to keep from going back later to see if it is still up... (Yeah... I'm a geek... No excitement here... No... Not from me... Yea! I'm cool, I'm cool! Yeah... Some things never change...)

My year so far...

2007-10-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

JANUARY
1. Who kissed you on new years?
I can't recall... It was too long ago...

2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
Yes I did... And no it didn't last..

3. Does it snow where you live?
Nope... It might if the world was coming to an end...

4. Do you like hot chocolate
Yes... White chocolate with lots of cinnamon... I can't do "real" chocolate anymore...

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
Only through the TV... If I am home, and remember to turn it to whatever channel happens to show it...

6. Do you ski or snowboard?
No, but I go sledding and make awesome snow angels...

FEBRUARY

1. Who was your Valentine?
The three year old that I "borrowed" for the night. He was the best Valentine ever... Candy, card, balloon, McDonalds for dinner... We had a ball...

2. When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class?
Nope... I made them with my Mom... We were very crafty as a family growing up...

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
Totally... I am a Puxatawnie Phil junkie, I look it up every year...

MARCH

1. Are you Irish?
A wee bit...

2. Do you wear green every year on St. Patrick’s day?
Uh huh... I look good in green...

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2007?
Went to a fantabulous party and played my first real game of poker... Was dealt a pair of aces in the first hand... It was great...

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
I like sweater weather...

APRIL

1. Do you like the rain?
Yup...

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
No...

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
Not since I was a kid... And most of that was sugar free... But ohhh... How I love the Chocolate bunnies...

4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
I do not recollect...

5. Do you "love" the month of April?
With so many April birthdays in my family what's not to love? It is a party every other day...

MAY

1. What is your favorite flower?
Hydrangeas and Japanese Peonies...

3. Finish the phrase "April showers"..
Bring slugs and snails on the porch to step on... (I like Artemis's answer for this one...)

4. Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day?
There is a national day for this?

5. Is May anything special to you?
Every day is special to me... But May does hold some fond memories for me this year...

JUNE

1. What did you do for father’s day?
Called my Daddy...

2. Did you do anything fun during this month?
Travel... Travel... Travel...

3. Have a favorite baseball team?
Which ever one that I am sitting behind third base, eating hot dogs, drink a coke, and kibitzing with the regulars about is my favorite...

JULY

1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
The old fashioned thing... BBQ... Party... Sparklers in the street, Fireworks... The whole shebang...

2. Did you go to the fireworks?
They came to me... (After I flew for what ended up being like ten hours to get to them...)

3. Did you blast the A/C all day?
I was outside in the fresh air...

AUGUST

1. Are you doing anything special at the end of your summer?
Burning Man... Travel... Parties... Travel... Moving... Travel...

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '07?
Burning Man by far...

3. Did you have a sunburn?
No way! That's what sunscreen is for... But I did get nice and dark...

4. Did you go to the pool a lot?
No, I kinda skipped the water this year for the desert...

SEPTEMBER

1. Will you be attending college/school?
Only the school of life this fall...

2. Do you like fall better than summer?
Totally!

OCTOBER

1. What was your last Halloween costume?
A witch...

2. What is your favorite candy?
All the ones that I am not supposed to have anymore... Anything with chocolate... Oh, and candy corn...

3. What was your favorite thing about this month?
My niece being born and spend some real quality time being Aunt LaLa...

NOVEMBER

1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
It depends what city I am in at the time...

2. What are you thankful for?
Good friends, family, loved ones...

3. Do you love stuffing?
It fills in the spaces...

DECEMBER

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
I like all holidays...

2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe
Not that I can recall, but it is on my list...

3. Get anything special last year?
Everything...

4. What do you want this year?
More...

Subtle changes…

2007-09-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

I made it through Burning Man… It was sort of a let down in the sense that I felt as if I had been there before… Seen it, been exposed to the kind of people who gather at that sort of event, share similar philosophies and outlooks on life in general… But what it did do, was test my ability to adapt to the environment… To really have to adjust to the weather and the elements. This, was what I had really wanted to take away from the whole thing. It was an enticing incentive to be able to hang out and party any time I wanted… But that was not so much the focus for me. It was to see if I could really pass the test of self- reliance and asking for help when I needed it, from total strangers if need be. And that was probably the hardest part of all.

I have been so separated from regular or real life for so long that at times I forget I have ever been a part of things. Community has just been a word for me. One without real meaning… Before the disability, I was self-absorbed and shallow. My superficiality was far greater than my depth of character. I just was. I was young, so I skated by… But that just doesn’t equate to the same thing… You know? And then I had my world turned inside out and upside-down. Nothing I was before seemed to remain. And if it was there, it was buried so deep that I could not find it.

So I started over. And really grew to know just who and what I am, what I am made of, what I am capable of. But it left me in a state of removal from the rest of the world. I had loved ones in my life, but I have had to live in a selfish manner, though selfish in a different way than before. I must be selfish to get out of bed each day. To be able to do things for myself and just do the things that most people just don’t think about. And in that way, I have done all sorts of things that I was told that I would not be able to do. I have pushed past boundaries and expanded my limitations. I have taken back my life, and I have made it my own. Whatever it is, it is just that, mine.

So to let others inside my life, inside my bubble that has become my world, was huge. Gigantic. It was momentous in that quiet and often times overlooked sort of way. I admitted my weaknesses in public. I actually did not try to mask things when the headaches hit so bad that all I could do was curl up in a chair and occasionally crack open an eye to watch the world pass by… I did not make excuses for the times that I did not jump up to help, but when I could, I did. And it felt good to do it. And that made it worth the pain.

I even stood up for myself when I was not enjoying things. In the past, I would have put up with the situation and just been silently miserable. But not on the Playa. I expressed my emotions to the Boyfriend, and we politely explained that there was someplace else we needed to be, and then we left… We found other places and people and had a really good time. And I felt better for having said something, for being honest about things, for standing up for myself and taking charge of my own good time. In the past, I have just disappeared into the sunset to find another hobby, or party, of interest, or group to associate with. And while it is good to be diversified, to move on, or let go when things become boring, it is not good, if it is to avoid conflict or possible conflict. And I have been taught from a very young age that it is not for me to rock the boat, to make waves, to cause trouble or to be difficult. But not anymore. I do not, will not, seek those things out. But I will not sacrifice myself or avoid those times either. Nor will I make any apologies. (I apologized only a couple of times while I was at the event, and I really meant those words with all my heart when I said them. And THAT is what an apology should be for. For those times when the heart hurts and is willing to try to make amends. Not for making excuses or for smoothing things over. At least not for me. Not anymore.)

I came face to face with a few fantastic representations of stereotypes that I have dealt with I my past. It was as if I was being given the opportunity to show that I really have learned how to not allow others to effect me, how to live with inner-beauty, grace and kindness. I was positive, and genuine, and I retained my dignity. And I did it all with a real smile. The kind that starts on the inside and bubbles its way up to the surface. The kind that is infectious and lasting. The kind that feels good all the way down to the tips of your dancing toes.

I took all of that home with me. The confidence, the resiliency, the honesty, the acceptance of who I am. And I hung onto it. And when it happened a short while after that I found myself in the most difficult of situations, I still kept all of that with me. And I laid it all on the line. Right down to the painful point of goodbyes. And, in the end, there was no goodbye. Only more honesty and love. And that felt good. And I am one more step to being stronger.

I repeated my experience again, when I ventured back into places I had thought I could never return to, and I asked for help. And I got it. Simply and without reservation. There was no feeling guilty or bad, there was nothing like that on either side. It just was. And that was truly freeing. And so I am yet another piece closer to truly being free.

I worry less and less over the things I cannot change. I do not make excuses for them any longer. And I appreciate the place I am in while I am moving constantly forward into the next place. And I am living now, more than I ever was before.

So, if you asked the question, “How was Burning Man?” of me, I have now given you my answer. And like all of my “real” answers, it has been long and wordy and drawn out. But that is how I am… If you wanted the short answer, then “fun” or “good” will suffice.

It was not like coming home to me. And I don’t think it will be like that the next time I go. But it was incredible. In ways that took being away from the Playa to surface and take hold of my conscious brain. The change in me is there. It happened on the Playa, but it could have occurred anywhere. And who knows what future adventures hold for me… But that IS life, isn’t it? And I am okay with that.

Fall Fashion Frenzy...

2007-09-23T11:15:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here with all the best reading material a gal could ask for… It is September after all… And that means the best of the best come out to super size my usual travel perusing favorites… The Fall Fashion Issues!!!!

I have; Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, In Style, Lucky, Elle, and Marie Claire strewn about the floor at my feet… The pages are now dog-eared and well- worn… The Covers are crinkled and the pages tabbed and wrinkled with my scrawling handwriting across the margins and over the ads…

I love this time of year…

Usually I travel with just Lucky or occasionally one of the others… But twice a year, spring and fall, I go out and live large… 590-840 pages large… (What I lovingly refer to as my bible turns into the phonebook for the greater LA area judging by the size and heft of the glossy mags that I do so adore…) You should see me on a plane trying to juggle them all… This past spring I went from foolish juggling clown to the adept master of the sliding of overly slick, overly thick readers… (I also passed many of the magazines along to very happy ladies who also share my guilty pleasure…) This fall, I drove for the latest stints of my traversing the Western US… So the books slid from one side of the passenger floor to the other…

Either method of travel, it is still the same effect… I reach my destination and whip out the book from the middle and scan the pages… I oooh and ahhh and exclaim to the poor boyfriend, (Who has become incredible at looking interested at what is holding my interest, even if it happens to be a pair of boots and matching handbag…) or whom ever else just so happens to be unlucky enough to be sitting next to me…

It takes me until November to make it through all of the “look books” to my satisfaction… It takes another week for me to create tear sheets with my “can’t live without” and other items of my newfound “inspiration”… And then the dilapidated books hit the recycling bin, one giant thud sounding after another…

And then I have six more months until the spring frenzy starts my heart pounding and blood racing all over again for the thrill of the undiscovered tour of fashion…

Sometimes… I am such a girl…

Done with running...

2007-09-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

And here I was… Just Blogging about how difficult it has been to get back to Blogging… And I was doing some Web research about an event someplace that I wanted to go to and there in the set of photos was a face that I used to know… One that by degrees of separation haunts me… Makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and the pulse quicken beneath my skin… A face from the past that can link me to things best forgotten, people I wish I did not know, and a life I have been running from for the past four years.

This person can spread the word of me to those I keep from… And it would be so easy… And my first instinct would be to run… But I stopped running… Or I? Really? When the flutter of the heart finds its way into the throat, isn’t that really the same thing? That I am still in the same place? That I have not changed as much as I thought, or wished, that I had?

Am I going to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, jumping at shadows, paranoid of the worst? But isn’t that what the worst really is? Never being able to walk away from a mistake? Or a bad choice? Or a life better left lost in the past for good?

But that is not how things really work… Not for the victims… For the criminals, they pay their debt and get to go free… They have much to overcome if they really mean to change, but they can go forward unafraid… It is not the same for those who seeking the worthless paper protection in the first place… The looking over the shoulder, the worries of loved ones, it just never ends… There is always fear and doubt.

Really though, I am not the victim… I mean, how can I be when I made the choice to allow such a person into my life? And then allow such a person to stay, day after day, year after year… Am I not to blame as well? For not valuing myself? For not knowing what it would mean to my life as I knew it? My future? My family? I am not the villain, the criminal, but I am not the guiltless either… It is not my fault that it happened, but I have some claim to the responsibility that I allowed it to continue.

Long after I stood up and said that I was not going to permit such things any longer, I am still paying for my innocence and naiveté… And sometimes, I am terrified that I will be paying for it forever.

The single unanswerable question I have above all others, is how do I put an end to it. The kind of end where no one gets hurt, or at least, no one else gets hurt… Where there is no more fear, no more jumping and hiding and paranoid precautions… How do I move past it far enough that it can’t ever come back to touch me again?

But I really do know the answer. I just don’t like it. The answer is, I don’t.

I move on, get stronger, smarter, keep my wits about me and never take a risk that could place me in that path of harm again. I never let my guard down, not even for a second, because that is a weakness that can be the one thing that re-opens the door I have devoted my life to barring shut. And I hope for respite in my dreams…

Terrible. I know. And fatalistic. But also, realistic. We have a good system, but there are so many holes and flaws it isn’t any other way for it to be right now. Things need to change… But the question is how? And by whom? And where? And to what end? (Okay, so that is more than one question, but they all are rolling around in my mind…) There is so much to do… To change… And not enough time to make such a big difference… So I guess the question is then, which part do I want to try to change most? How can I best make a difference? What can I do that matters in such a way that I can rest on the inside and sleep peacefully at night knowing that I have not wasted my life in hiding and fear? And is this the platform I want to take, the banner I want to wave about as if my life depended upon it? Is this the cause I want to sacrifice my life to, sacrifice so much for, suffer more for than I already have? (I know, again, more than one question…)

I need more thought. More time. More space. More information. More.

The adrenalin is gone from the initial jolt that started this Blog… It’s time for a cat nap to think it all over and re-charge… 15-20 minutes, tops. And then… And then, I don’t know… More research I suppose.

What I do know, is that I really am done with running…

Day 39: My New Home:

2007-09-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

I can feel the edges of fall creeping in this morning as I sit in front of “my” window typing… It makes me want to slow things down just a little… Getting up this early is a good thing, I can get so much done by lunch, but sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and let the fireplace dance away the chill in the air…

It’s funny, I think it rained in the middle of the night… The road and sidewalks are all wet… But that would mean that when I did finally fall asleep, it was so soundly, I did not stir… I have not slept like that in a long time… I guess physical labor will do that to a person… All I have to do is scrub and clean until I am exhausted… I’ll look great and sleep better too… (Why do I have a gym membership again? When am I going to drive the hour to the nearest one and actually USE the thing? Oh yeah… Someday… Until then, there is always deep cleaning that is seemingly endless…)

I’ll post up the past couple of Blogs that I had to write by hand (gasp) since the laptop went on hiatus for a few days… It may fill in the gaps here and there… And I am apologizing now for the barrage of photos that went up in the middle of the night… With the help of the Boyfriend, I discovered that I can indeed turn on the laptop AND get internet… All from my new favorite location in my home… “My” window… I also discovered that I not only have a TV that turns on, I have somehow have cable too… Go figure… I had forgotten what that was like… I got sucked into 20 minutes of the Discovery channel’s show about the Roman underground excavations… And then about two hours later I got sucked in for another 20 minutes on the largest underground city… The one that the Christians used to escape the Muslims and others… Since I started partway through and then realized that I was having my brain sucked out through my eyeballs… I turned off the TV without seeing the entirety of wither show… But it is nice to see TV now and again and hear the human voice… As for the radio… I still only have the choice between two stations… Static and a mix of oldies and today… Not my sort of thing, but somehow I seem to know most of the words to most of the songs… Thanks Mom… (I can hear her singing in the car now…)

Well…

I better get on with my day… I have a ton of things to get to, which I won’t since I am driving down to visit family… But to all those who have been commenting on my photos… I love you for that! It brightens my day… Thanks!!!! And to those that I owe real e-mails to... I will get those out by the end of the week… (As long as the internet holds… Promise…) Tons of hugs to everyone! I miss you all!!!

I can see it now...

2007-09-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

It harder getting back into Blogging than I thought it would… Funny… For as difficult as it was to not Blog, it seems that my brain is still on a break… (And for as much as I wanted to jump onto the computer to pour it all out, now it seems that my thoughts don’t just flow through my fingertips and onto the keyboard as they once did…)

Even still… I miss it… So I am sorry if the Blogs may end up a bit flat for a bit… And after Burning Man, I now understand that whole thing about it being like “riding a bicycle”…

Watching me wobble around the camp and on the open Playa on one of those green “yellow” bikes must have been entertaining… Makes me wonder how many people thought that I just started the party early and had one (or five) too many…

Yeah… I know… Strange that small children can ride a bike better than I can… But… Well… Yeah… I do think that next year I will be accomplished enough to invest in a bike of my own to dress up all fancy and pretty and take out to the dusty desert… (Though I do admit, every time the Boyfriend asks if I want to ride his bike I turn him down, and that I am thinking that perhaps training wheels might be a good thing to add to my cycling decorations…)

As I write this, I can feel the second-year-itis set in…

I can see it now…

My “big” project is going to be a pair of Playa bikes… (This year it was a pair of Playa coats…) And ohhh how those projects end up taking on a life of their own… (At least we both LOVE our coats… That makes it all worth the work… I hope the bike will be the same way…)

I can see it now…

I will end up making this incredible sparkly bike all fancy and pretty and then ride it all around town instead of the sparkly and pretty regular bike that my Dad bought me last summer… I will be one of THOSE burners…

(But I’ll finally be riding a bike, so does it really matter if I look silly to the whole world?)

Doin' the Decom...

2007-09-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hey there friends! It's been a week or so since we've all been back from the great Double Burn... (And hopefully everyone made it back better than when they left…)

And what has been on my mind? (Well, okay, a lot of things… Halloween being mid-week this year, my birthday rapidly approaching, my right eye healing way too slowly, all the unpacking that I have waiting for me when I get back home, eating way too much Asian Bakery so far this week, and all the Decoms to look forward to… I know it’s a ton of stuff… But what I really am focusing on, at least for the moment, is the Decom thought…)

So many Decoms... So little time...

This is how things are looking for me at the moment:

October 7- SF (Perhaps...???)
October 13- LA (Possibly... Who knows, a last minute appearance may be in order…)
October 19-21- So.Cal. (There with bells on baby!!!)

Also... I am thinking of celebrating my birthday at the So.Cal. Decom... (It is right after the event anyway, and what a great place to party for days…) Nothing big, nothing fancy… Just a few friends, a ton of soon to be friends, perhaps a hundred or so homemade cupcakes or frosted birthday cookies, and a weekend of relaxing fun… (Maybe I’ll even get my brother to come out for the thing…) So... If this provides any of you with an extra incentive to make the trek out, please know that the gift of your company would be so totally awesome!! (Said with true So.Cal. accent, hair flip and blinky-eyed smile...) And I'll even be sure to make some killer cupcakes or birthday cookies for the occasion... You do know that I went to Culinary School, right??? Mmmm... Sugar Coma... Goooood...

But…

The rest of the Decom thought was this:

What do I expect? (At least in reference to the three Decoms that I might end up at this year…) I know that the animals are all very different… But I am kind of at a loss… Especially with the So.Cal. Decom being (new/different/changed) unlike it has been in the past… At least from what I can tell from the different postings I’ve perused so far…

So…

If anyone has any thoughts, comments, advice on the whole Decom thing, I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!

Many thanks… Muah!!!!!